Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a
window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ,'I need to get up and get a coke.''Don't get up,' said the Marine,'I'm in the aisle seat,'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...'Why does it have to be this way?''How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?'

People who cough incessantly never seem to go to a doctor—they go to banquets, concerts, and church.

Did you hear about the psychic dwarf who escaped from prison?

The newspaper headline read: "Small Medium At Large."

Visitor: "And what will you do, dear, when you are as big as your mother?"

Little girl: "Diet."

Librarian : Shhhh, the people next to you can't read.
Patron: What a shame! I've been reading since I was six.

Simple Politics:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep doodoo.

Father: "Son, do you realize when Lincoln was your age he was already studying hard to be a lawyer?"

Son: "Right, Pop, and when he was your age, he was already President of the United States!"

A young preacher new to the area was asked by the local funeral director to conduct a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the graveside ceremony, because the deceased had outlived all his family and friends.

The new preacher set off early for the cemetery, but soon became lost. After a number of wrong turns, he finally arrived half an hour late. There was no sign of the hearse, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The preacher went over to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Do you think we should tell him that's a septic tank?"

Paul: "I saw a fellow strike a girl today."

Saul: "You didn't let him get away with it, did you?"

Paul: "I went up to him and said, 'Only a coward would hit a woman—why don't you hit a man?'"

Saul:"Then what happened?"

Paul: "That's all I remember."

Did you hear about the dog that went to the flea circus?

He stole the show.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what m ade all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity

She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? 'WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

First Pupil: This school must be haunted.

Second Pupil: Why?

First Pupil: People are always talking about the school spirit.

Polite visitor : "Your son is making really good progress with his piano since I heard him last. He is beginning to play quite nice tunes."

Mother: "Oh, do you really think so? His father and I were afraid that we'd merely got used to it."

A hat was passed around a church congregation for taking up an offering for the visiting minister.

Presently it was returned to him ... conspicuously and embarrassingly empty. Slowly and deliberately, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then raising his eyes to heaven, he exclaimed fervently, "I thank thee, dear Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

Adam and his son Abel were walking past the Garden of Eden.

"Who owns that place?" asked Abel.

"That"s where we used to live," said Adam. "Before your mother ate us out of house and home."

Mother: How did you do on your first day of school?
Son: Not so well, I guess. I have to go back tomorrow.

Proud mother : "Yes, he's fourteen months old now and he's been walking since he was eight months old!"

Bored visitor: "Really? He must be awfully tired."

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. A friend came to visit one weekend and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "to be honest we've had a few arguments over names. I wanted to call the ranch the Bar-J; my wife favored the Suzy-Q; one son liked the Flying-W; and my other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So we"re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch."

"But where are all your cattle?" asked the friend.

"So far, none have survived the branding."

Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of twelve and seventeen, for example, a child may see his parent age twenty years.

Middle age is when you know all the answers and nobody asks you the questions.

One said: "My wife always complains that I don"t help with the housework."

The other said: "Mine constantly complains that I never listen to her - or something like that."

Waiter: "You ought to have some of our enthusiastic stew."

Diner: "Why do you call it that?"

Waiter: "Because the cook puts everything he has into it."

Did you ever hear of a person turning into something e1se?

Well, my big brother was driving Dad's car and he turned into a telephone pole.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that his tail wags instead of his tongue.

If you were walking down the street and smashed toe, what would you do?

Call a tow truck.

Principal: This is the fourth time you have been to my office this week. What have you to say for yourself, Billy?

Billy: I'm certainly glad that today is Friday.

The Smiths were just back from a camping trip.

"How did you find the mosquitoes?" asked a friend.

"I didn't," said Mr. Smith. "They found me."

A farmer was driving past an insane asylum with a load of fertilizer. An inmate of the asylum saw him and called, "What are you hauling?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it on strawberries."

"You ought to live in here; we get sugar and cream on them."

A farmer who was on his way home from market had the feeling that he had forgotten something; but what it was he couldn't figure out. As he neared home this conviction increased to such a degree that he stopped his horses two or three times, scratched his head in perplexity, and tried to recall what he had forgotten, but in vain. At last he reached home and was met by his daughter, who looked at him in surprise and cried, "Why Father, what have you done with Mother?"

"I haven't slept for days."

"How come?"

"I only sleep at night."

"He is suffering from Dunlops' disease."

"What is Dunlops' disease?"

"His stomach done-lops over his belt!"

Q: "At what time of day was Adam born?"
A: "A little before Eve."

It was a baking hot day in the office. The temperature was nudging a hundred outside and a really foul smell was wafting around the room. As the odor grew more intense, the fourteen-strong workforce began to suffer.

Eventually one man said pointedly: "Clearly someone"s deodorant isn"t working."

A guy in the corner called out: "Well, it can"t be me because I"m not wearing any."

Set in his ways, a man went to the same hairdresser every month, this despite the fact that the hairdresser had the annoying habit of belittling whatever his customers said. One month the customer said he had bought a new car.

"What sort?" asked the hairdresser.

"A Mercedes," replied the customer.

The hairdresser was quick to pour cold water on the purchase. "You shouldn"t have got a Mercedes," he sneered. "A Ferrari is much classier and with a more comfortable interior. No, you"d be better off with a Ferrari."

The following month the customer revealed that he had bought an executive house on a new development on the outskirts of town. "Oh, you don"t want to move there," said the hairdresser. "It"s in the middle of nowhere. There are no amenities nearby, and I"ve heard the land is liable to flooding. You see, they"ll be giving those houses away soon."

At his next appointment, the customer said that he was going on holiday to Rome.

"What do you want to go to Rome for?" asked the hairdresser. "There"s nothing much there. It"s all ruins. No, if you must go to Italy, go to Florence."

"As a matter of fact," said the customer, struggling to get a word in, "it"s always been my ambition to meet the Pope and, if possible, to get to speak to him."

"You speak to the Pope?" mocked the hairdresser. "You"ve got no chance. You won"t get anywhere near him. I"ll bet you two hundred dollars that the Pope doesn"t talk to you."

The customer was so fed up with the hairdresser"s attitude that he accepted the bet. A month later he returned for his next haircut and was asked how he had got on in Rome.

"Don"t forget our two hundred dollars bet," crowed the hairdresser. "You can pay by check."

"No, actually you owe me two hundred dollars," said the customer. "The Pope did speak to me."

"How did you manage that?" demanded the hairdresser indignantly.

"Well," said the customer, "I was wandering around St. Peter"s Square one morning hoping to catch a glimpse of the Pope when, to my surprise, I saw him walking towards me. And then amazingly he stopped beside me and began talking to me."

"What did he say?" asked the hairdresser.

"He said: "Where on earth did you get that terrible haircut?""

A hunter was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said: 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'

The hunter took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back in his pocket. The frog then cried out: 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do whatever you want.'

Again the hunter took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

Finally the frog demanded: 'What is your problem? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'

The hunter said: 'Look, I'm an avid hunter, and when I'm not hunting, I'm fishing. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!'

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the helicopter rides, but he balked at the $25 tickets.

"Let's make a deal," said the pilot. "If you and your wife can ride without making a single sound, I won't charge you anything. Otherwise you pay the twenty-five dollars."

"Good deal!" said the farmer.

So they went for a ride. When they got back the pilot said, "If I hadn't been there, I never would have believed it You never made a sound!"

"It wasn't easy, either," said the farmer. "I almost yelled when my wife fell out"

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of Scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

"Nothing easier," Twain replied. " 'No man can serve two masters.' "

An old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no friends. Just before he died he called his - doctor, lawyer, and minister together around his bed side. "I have always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me you throw the envelopes in."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave. On the way back from the I cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly right. I'm going to confess. I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."

The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000."

The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount."

Why did the bee cross his legs?

Because he couldn't find the BP station.

A newly married man came home from work to find his young wife stretched out on the sofa, wearing a sexy negligee.

'Guess what I've got planned for dinner?' she purred seductively. 'And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today!'

An elderly couple were discussing their future plans. The husband asked: 'What will you do if I die before you?'

After some thought, she said: 'I will probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women. And since I'm active for my age, I'll go for roommates who are a little younger than me. What about you? What will you do if I die first?'

He replied: 'Probably the same.'

A humble office clerk called Norman boasted to his boss that he knew everyone in the world who was worth knowing. Celebrities, royalty, politicians: he claimed to be personal friends with each and every one.

Needless to say his boss didn't believe him, so Norman offered to introduce him to one of his celebrity friends.

'Would you believe me if I took you to Arnold Schwarzenegger's house?' asked Norman.

'Maybe,' replied the boss.

So they drove off to Schwarzenegger's mansion, and Arnie came to the door to greet them. 'Hey, Norman, my friend, how are you doin'?'

They stayed for lunch and a chat and afterward Norman turned to his boss and said: 'Now are you convinced?'

'You just got lucky,' sneered the boss. 'Arnie's a friendly guy.'

'How about if I introduced you to Madonna? Then would you believe that I know everybody?'

'Perhaps.'

So they traveled to London where Norman took his boss to Madonna's house.

'Norman, great to see you again!' said Madonna warmly. 'Who's your friend?'

'This is my boss,' said Norman.

'Come in, both of you. Any friend of Norman is a friend of mine!'

Two drinks later they left. 'Now do you believe me?' asked Norman.

'Not really,' said the boss churlishly. 'I bet you tipped her off in advance and paid her to pretend she knew you.'

Norman had one trump card still to play. 'How about if I showed you I was friends with the Pope?'

'Well,' conceded the boss, 'I have to say that would be pretty impressive. I guess if you could appear on the Vatican balcony with the Pope, I'd finally be convinced that you know everyone in the world worth knowing.'

So the pair traveled to Rome. The boss waited in St. Peter's Square while Norman went into the Vatican. A few minutes later, sure enough, Norman appeared on the Vatican balcony alongside the Pope.

After his public appearance, Norman rushed back down to the square to learn his boss's reaction, only to find that he had fainted.

'What happened?' asked Norman.

'I was fine,' said the boss groggily, 'until the man next to me said: "Who's that on the balcony with Norman?'"

First Friend: She told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her.

Second Friend: But I told her not to tell you I told her!

First Friend: Oh, well, don't tell her I told you that she told me.

Teacher: Tommy, how did you get that swelling on your nose?
Tommy: I bent to smell a brose in my garden.
Teacher: There's no "b" in "rose."
Tommy: There was in this one!

Seen in local paper: Wanted: female cat for light mouse-keeping.

Teacher: "Yes, Timmy, what is it?"

Timmy: "I don't want to scare you, but Pop saidcif I didn't get better grades, someone is due for a licking."

A city boy was looking, not too hard, for a job.

"I can get you a job digging potatoes," suggested a country friend.

"Why don't you get the man that planted them?" asked the city boy. "He knows where he hid them."

Guide, on a safari in Africa: "Quick, m'lord! Shoot that leopard on the spot!"

Lord Byron: "Be specific, my man: which spot?"

"How can I ever show my appreciation?" gushed a woman to a famous lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"Madam," he replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there's been only one answer to that question."

First cannibal : "Am I late for chow?"

Second cannibal: "Yes, everybody's eaten."

Mike: "Don't you ever take a vacation?"
John: "I can't get away."
Mike: "Why? Can't the firm do without you?"
John: "And how! That's what I don't want them to find out."

Golf student: "Well, how do you like my game?"

Pro: "I suppose it's all right, but I still prefer golf."

Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today.
Mom: That's wonderful! What did you get a hundred in?
Stevie: In two things: I got forty in reading and sixty spelling.

Teacher: If I cut a beefsteak in two, then cut the half in two, what do I get?
Pupil: Quarters.
Teacher: And then if I cut it again?
Pupil: Eighths.
Teacher: Correct—and cut it again?
Pupil: Sixteenths. Teacher: And again?
Pupil: Hamburger!

Brother: Want to see something swell?
Sister: Sure!
Brother: Hit your head with a baseball bat.

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks...
"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"

The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"
The old man gets up and says "wait right here."

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:

" Ok, here's how it works...
If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher."

The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts...
"HOT DANG SON - HE'S A REPUBLICAN!"

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

Republicans announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.

American Indians have nicknamed John McCain "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.

McCain only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

McCain got off his private plane with a baby pig under each arm. His body guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said "Nice pigs, Sir!"

McCain replied "These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Cindy, and I got one for Sarah."

The guard again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, Sir!"

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

One night, George Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked -

"George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows.
It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

And Abe replied..."Go to the theater!"

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $25.00
Fried Explorer: $35.00
Grilled Democrat $40.00
Baked Republican: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the Republican?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

First surgeon: "I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he does the work of five guys." Second surgeon: "That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!"

Third surgeon: "Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when George Bush went walking by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's putting this entire country out of work!"

It's amazing how sometimes the strongest things can be brought down by the smallest things. For example, it only took an iceberg to sink the "unsinkable" Titanic, but it only took a Bush to sink America.

Bush is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

A little girl at her first church wedding suddenly whispered loudly to her mother: "Mummy, has the lady changed her mind ?"

"Why, dear, whatever do you mean?" her mother asked.

"Well, Mummy, she went up the aisle with one man and came back with another!"

Junior: "Dad, can you help me with this arithmetic?"

Dad: "I could, but it wouldn't be right, would it?"

Junior: "No, I don't suppose so—but you could try, anyhow!"

When is it easy to read in the woods?

When autumn turns the leaves.

Soldier: "Don't bother me. I am writing to my girl."

Friend: "But why are you writing so slowly?"

Soldier: "She can't read very fast."

Mother, boarding a plane with her daughter, said to the pilot: "Now don't start going faster than sound, we want to talk."

Friend: Do you think anyone can tell the future with cards?

Junior: My mother can. She took one look at my report card and told me exactly what would happen when dad got home.

Student: How were your exam questions?

Second Student: They were easy, but I had trouble with the answers.

Girl talking to friend about her boy friend who stood her up to go fishing: "If you want to find him, just go down to the bridge and look for a pole with a worm on each end."

Teacher: I asked you to draw a horse and wagon but you've drawn only a horse.

Pupil: I figured the horse would draw the wagon.

Teacher: What is your favorite state, Sam?

Sam: Mississippi.

Teacher: How do you spell it?

Sam: Er . . . I like Ohio much better.

A dim-witted girl was visiting a sailor in the hospital.

"Where were you wounded?" she asked.

"In the Gulf, ma'am," he answered.

"How terrible!" she exclaimed. "Is it any better?"

A woman was trying to collect compensation for an accident. When the insurance adjustor called, she demanded loudly, "I want $20,000 for that lost thumb."

"But madam, that seems a lot of money for just a thumb."

"Well, it isn't," she insisted. "It's the one I kept my husband under."

Boastful soldier, at a party: "The bullet struck my head and went careening into space."

Bored friend: "You're being honest about it, anyway."

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Change?!?!?!?

What always has an eye open but can't see anything?

A needle.

A tourist stopped at a combination gas station and general store in the back country. While his car was being serviced, he noticed an old-timer basking in the sun holding a short piece of rope in his hand.

The tourist walked over to him and asked, "What have you there?"

"This is a weather gauge, sonny."

"How can you possibly tell the weather with a piece of rope?" the tourist wanted to know.

"It's simple, sonny. When it swings back and forth it's windy. When it gets wet, it's raining." •

An immigrant, taking his test for naturalization papers, was asked, "Who is the president of the United States?"

"George Bush," he answered.

"Could you be president?" was the next question he was asked.

"No." Nodding encouragingly, the questioner asked, "Why not?"

"I'm too busy right now," explained the immigrant gently.

The absent-minded husband had been married only a short time. One evening upon arriving home at his usual time, he found his wife acting cool toward him.

"What is the matter, dear ?" he asked worriedly.

"Well George, you didn't kiss me when you left this morning," she said.

"Oh, darling," he said in wonderment. "Then who was it that I kissed?"

Customer: I'd like to try on that skirt in the window.
Clerk: It would be better if you'd use the dressing room.

Patient: Doctor, I'm scared to death! This is my first operation!
Doctor: I know just how you feel. You're my first patient!

A problem child was brought to the principal's office.
Principal: Do you ever do your homework?
Student: Oh, now and then.
Principal: Where do you do it?
Student: Oh, here and there.
Principal: Put him in that closet.
Student: Hey! When will I get out?
Principal: Oh, sooner or later.

Matron : "Candice, when you wait on the table tonight for my guests, please don't spill anything."

Hired girl : "Don't you worry, ma'am, I never talk much."

"How's your uncle doing with his farm?"

"Not so good. There ain't so much money in milk and eggs any more. So he sits up all night trying to think of something else for the hens and cows to do."

There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride
With the lady inside
And a smile on the face of the tiger.

Absent-minded husband: "Lady, what are you doing in my bed?"

Lady: "Well, I like this bed, I like this neighborhood, I like this house, and I like this room. And anyway, I'm your wife!"