What did the adding machine say to the clerk?
You can count on me.

The Pope had just arrived in New York on a special papal visit. While his luggage was being loaded into the limo, he waited hesitantly on the pavement.

'Excuse me, your holiness,' said his driver. 'Would you please take your seat so that we can leave?'

The Pope looked wistfully at the car. 'They never let me drive at the Vatican, and to tell you the truth, I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm afraid I can't let you do that,' said the chauffeur. 'I'll lose my job! And what if you had an accident?'

But the Pope was becoming insistent. 'I'll make sure you are handsomely rewarded if you let me drive. Please. Just for this one day.'

Reluctantly, the chauffeur climbed into the back while the Pope positioned himself behind the wheel. No sooner had they left the airport than the Pope put his foot down and soon had the Popemobile doing a hundred and ten miles per hour.

'Slow down, please, your holiness!' begged the driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until he heard the sound of police car sirens.

'Oh great!' wailed the suffering chauffeur. 'Now I really will lose my licence!'

As the patrolman approached, the Pope pulled over and rolled down the window. Taking one look at him, the patrolman beat a hasty retreat back to his motorcycle and got straight on the radio. 'I need to talk to the chief,' he said urgently.

The chief of police got on the radio and the patrolman told him that he had stopped a limo that was doing over a hundred and ten miles per hour.

'So bust him,' said the chief.

'I don't think we want to do that,' said the cop. 'He's really important.'

'All the more reason.'

'No, I mean really important,' repeated the cop.

'Who've you got there, the mayor?'

'Bigger.'

'The governor?'

'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the chief, 'who is it?'

'I think it must be God,' replied the flustered cop.

'What on earth makes you think it's God?'

'Well, he's got the Pope driving for him!'

In the etiquette class he once attended, he was unanimously voted the student most likely to return.

What's gray, has four legs, and a trunk? A mouse going on a trip.

Teacher: Name the four seasons.
Danny: Salt, pepper, mustard, vinegar.

Coed: "Daddy, the girl who sits next to me in class has a dress just like mine."

Dad: "So you want a new dress."

Coed: "Well, it would be cheaper than changing colleges."

Two cows were talking in a field one day.

The first cow said: 'Have you heard about the Mad Cow Disease that's going around?'

The second cow said: 'Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?'

An employer said to a man applying for a job: "You ask high wages for a man with no experience."
"Well," the prospect replied, "it's so much harder work when you don't know anything about it."

Eve: "Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: "Who else?"

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: 'Dad, am I a hundred per cent polar bear?'

The father replied: 'Of course, son, you're a hundred per cent polar bear.'

A few minutes later, the cub turned to his father again and said: 'Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I a hundred per cent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?'

The father answered: 'Son, I'm a hundred per cent polar bear, your mother is 100 per cent polar bear, so you are definitely a hundred per cent polar bear.'

The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father once more and said: 'Dad, don't think you're sparing my feelings. I've got to know. Am I a hundred per cent polar bear?'

The father was becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: 'Why do you keep asking if you're a hundred per cent polar bear?'

The cub said: 'Because I'm freezing!'

Customer: "I understand this is a second-hand store."
Clerk: "Yes, it is."
Customer : "Well, then, I want one for my watch."

There was an old man from Peru,
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe.
He awoke in the night
In a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true!

Teacher: Do you like to come to school, David?

David: Sure, and I like to go home too. It's the in-between time that gets me.

Tourist: "Shame on you! A big man like you catching poor little helpless fish!"

Fisherman : "Well, if this fish had kept his mouth shut, he wouldn't be on the end of this hook."

In the National Forests of Alaska, a tourist guide was addressing a group of vacationers about the dangers of hiking in grizzly bear territory. He warned: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in the hope of viewing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be disastrous. To avoid this, we suggest that hikers should wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. Finally, exercise added caution when you spot signs of bears in the area, particularly when you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked: "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Easy," explained the guide. "They're the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"

A third grader went home and told her mother she was in love with a classmate and was going to marry him. "That's fine," said her mother, going along with the gag. "Does he have a job?"

The little girl replied, "Oh, yes. He erases the blackboard in our class."

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven.

God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, Welcome to heaven, my son.

God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease, the doctor replies. Welcome to heaven, my son, God says.

God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. Welcome to heaven, my son, says God, but you have to leave in two days.

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Palin and her bid.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a 'Post Turtle'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'Post Turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'Post Turtle'."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she don't belong up there, and she don't know what to do while she's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put her up there to begin with."

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Palin and her bid.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a 'Post Turtle'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'Post Turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'Post Turtle'."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she don't belong up there, and she don't know what to do while she's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put her up there to begin with."

Mom: Jennifer how did youdo on the history exam?

Jennifer: Not very well. But it wasn't my fault. They asked me about things that happened before I was born.

Dorothy, aged six, was watching her mother put cold cream on her face.

"What's that for, Mummy," she asked.

"It's face cream, dear, to make me beautiful." A little while later, after the cold cream had been wiped off, Dorothy looked at her mother for a minute, shook her head, and remarked sadly, "Didn't work, did it, Mummy?"

A pioneering cardiologist was in such demand to talk about his breakthrough discovery that he was paid fifty thousand dollars to present it before a convention of his peers. After being asked to do several more presentations for a similar fee, he quickly realized that it was more lucrative to go on the medical lecture circuit than to continue as a working surgeon. So he decided to concentrate on the lectures full-time. To make the incessant touring more pleasurable, he bought a limousine and hired a chauffeur.

Six months into the new career, his chauffeur turned to him and said: 'It's not fair this . ..'

'What do you mean?' asked the surgeon.

'Well, you get fifty thousand dollars every time you give a lecture, and that's more than I get paid in a whole year.'

The surgeon tried to justify himself by explaining that the groundbreaking process he had discovered was extremely complex and that only he could deliver the lecture.

'That's nonsense,' said the driver. 'I could do your lecture. I've seen you give it so many times that I know it by heart.'

'All right then,' agreed the surgeon. 'I'll let you do the next lecture and you can keep the fifty thousand. Is that fair?'

The chauffeur said: 'Right. You're on.'

So on arrival at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver exchanged jackets. While the driver went up on stage to deliver the lecture, the surgeon, wearing the driver's cap, sat quietly at the rear of the hall.

The chauffeur was not only word perfect with the lecture but he also managed to field every question without the slightest problem. But just as he was about to wind the afternoon up, a medical geek in the audience stumped him with a really difficult question. Rather than admit not knowing the answer, the driver remained commendably calm. 'You know,' he said, 'I have done this lecture over two hundred and fifty times, and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.'

What a good thing Adam had—whenever he told a joke, he knew no one had heard it before.

I'm on the 'One meal a day diet' and it's working. I'm already up to July 12, 2187.

McCain walks out to give a speech on the White House lawn and all of the sudden you see a dust cloud and McCain gone.

"I guess the President just dried up & blew away" responds the White House Correspondent.

"I guess he was older than dirt," responds a reporter.

Out comes Sarah Palin, "Does this mean Obama's President now?"

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

Life begins, said the priest, at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.

We believe, said the minister, that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.

You're both wrong, said the rabbi. Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house.

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sundays sermon he told them, If one more person confesses
to adultery, Ill quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word fallen
instead. From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had
fallen. This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and
everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed
away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the
mayor. The priest was quite concerned, You have to do something about
the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You cant believe how many people
come into the confessional talking about having fallen!

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their
code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the
mayor and said, I dont know why youre laughing; your wife fell
three times last week!

What's on your mind?... if you'll please excuse the exaggeration.

What's the difference between a battery and a Republican?
A battery has a positive side.

Did you hear about the Republican who:

Returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," and sat down to wait for himself?

Slammed his wife and kissed the door?

Got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle ?

Did you hear about the Republican who stayed up all night see where the sun went?
Finally it dawned on him.

A man dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly gates. Behind St. Peter, is a wall of clocks. The man asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks".

St Peter answers, " Everyone has one. The hands move when someone lies".

The man asks about George Washington. St Peter says."The hands have never moved".

The man: What about Abe Lincoln?

St Peter: Only moved twice.

The man: Where is John McCain's clock?

St. Peter: It's in Jesus' office. He's using it for a fan!

The John McCain, Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin are in a plane. All of the sudden Cindy says: "If I were to throw out a $100 bill, I would make one person very happy."

John answers: "If I threw ten $10 bills out of the window, I would make ten whole people happy."

Sarah feels the need to say something as well: "If I threw a hundred $1 bills out of the window, I would make a hundred people happy."

The pilot, who had been listening to the conversation, mutters to the co-pilot: "If I were to throw these three out of the window, I'd make millions happy!"

John McCain has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

McCain thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the door to the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" McCain said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way! I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented McCain.

The devil opened the third door. In it, McCain saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. John McCain looked at this in disbelief for awhile and finally said, "Yeah I could handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . "Monica you're free to go..."

I think therefore I am (not a Republican...)

An 84 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The next time the doctor saw him he asked how he was doing.

"Great," said the old guy. "I did just what you told me. 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.' "

"I didn't say that," said the doctor. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.' "

This old guy was talking to his neighbor telling him about the new hearing aid he just got. "It cost a fortune, but it was worth it. It works perfectly."

"Really," said the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Ten thirty."

A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups. The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember.

Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything.

"Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" she asked.

"Sure," he replied.

"Do you think you should write that down to remember it?" she asked.

"No, I can remember that," he said.

"I'd like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?" she said.

"No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries," he said, becoming a little irritated.

"I'd like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down," she said.

"For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don't need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream," he said, now more than a little irritated.

Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife stared at it for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?"

According to hospital regulations, patients are required to be escorted out in a wheelchair when being discharged. A student nurse was having some trouble with an elderly gentleman who insisted that he did not need a wheelchair. After some discussion about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed. As she was wheeling him out, the student nurse asked the man if his wife was going to pick him up.

"I don't know," he replied. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Three old buddies are out for a walk.

Old guy #1 says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Old guy #2 says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Old guy #3 says, "So am I. Let's go get milk shake."

An elderly couple went to dinner at the home of some friends, also elderly. After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen and the two men were talking. One said, "We went out to dinner last night at a really good restaurant. I'd highly recommend it."

The second man said, "What's the name of it?"

The first man thought and thought, then said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love, the one that is usually red that has thorns?"

"Oh, you mean a rose?" said the second man.

"Yes, that's it," said the first man. Then he called to the kitchen, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, "You know, I'm 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"

The other guy says, "Oh, I feel like a newborn baby."

"Really," says the first guy.

"Yep," says the second one. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."

Do you find yourself looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?"

If so, you'll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room of my new dentist. It was my first appointment. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which had his full name.

Suddenly, I recalled a tall, dark haired, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class nearly 50 years ago. Could this be the same boy I had a secret crush on, way back then?

When I saw him, however, I quickly discarded that thought. This gray haired, balding man with the deeply wrinkled face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm! Or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northampton High School.

"Yes, I did!" he said. "I'm a Konkrete Kid." He gleamed with pride.

"What year did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1959," he said. "Why do you ask?"

"I was in your class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, wrinkled, old, fat, bald, gray, decrepit SOB asked, "What did you teach?"

A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television. BUT, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blond."

"Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50 year old woman. It doesn't seem fair."

His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25 year old blond? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television."

Three stages of man: Youth; Middle age; "You're looking fine."

A farmer needed to buy a bull to service his cows but, in order to afford it, he had to borrow money from the bank. The banker who lent him the money stopped by a week later to see how his investment was shaping up. The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at the cows, so the banker suggested calling in a vet to take a look at the animal.

The following week the banker returned to see if the vet had been of any use. The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull serviced all my cows twice," he said, "then broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbor"s cows three times."

"Wow!" exclaimed the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave me some pills to give him," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?"

"I don"t know," said the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."

A tobacco farmer was showing a visiting lady around his farm.

"These are tobacco plants in full bloom," he explained.

"Isn't that wonderful!" she gushed. "And when will the cigars be ripe?"

John: Did you ever hear the joke about the ceiling?

Bill: No.

John: I didn't think so. It's over your head.

How can you tell your girlfriend's getting fat?
She starts to fit in your ex-wife's clothes.

Gov. Palin likes to say that she's Joe Six-pack. What she doesn't realize is that Joe can no longer afford 6-packs and is now known as Joe 20-ouncer.

Gov. Palin exceeded all expectations in the vice-presidential debate. She showed up.

In tonight's Vice-presidential debate, Palin made a speech rudely interrupted by off topic questions by the moderator.

(Wife to husband that just got off the scale) "Your fortune says that you are handsome, debonair, and wealthy. It even has your weight wrong!"

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.

Johnny: And you don't know my father!

Ben: "One of our little pigs was sick so I gave him some sugar."

Dan: "Sugar! What for?"

Ben: "Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured ham?"

Doctor: How is the boy who swallowed the half-dollar?
Nurse: No change yet, sir.

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a
window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ,'I need to get up and get a coke.''Don't get up,' said the Marine,'I'm in the aisle seat,'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...'Why does it have to be this way?''How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?'

People who cough incessantly never seem to go to a doctor—they go to banquets, concerts, and church.

Did you hear about the psychic dwarf who escaped from prison?

The newspaper headline read: "Small Medium At Large."

Visitor: "And what will you do, dear, when you are as big as your mother?"

Little girl: "Diet."

Librarian : Shhhh, the people next to you can't read.
Patron: What a shame! I've been reading since I was six.

Simple Politics:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep doodoo.

Father: "Son, do you realize when Lincoln was your age he was already studying hard to be a lawyer?"

Son: "Right, Pop, and when he was your age, he was already President of the United States!"

A young preacher new to the area was asked by the local funeral director to conduct a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the graveside ceremony, because the deceased had outlived all his family and friends.

The new preacher set off early for the cemetery, but soon became lost. After a number of wrong turns, he finally arrived half an hour late. There was no sign of the hearse, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The preacher went over to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Do you think we should tell him that's a septic tank?"

Paul: "I saw a fellow strike a girl today."

Saul: "You didn't let him get away with it, did you?"

Paul: "I went up to him and said, 'Only a coward would hit a woman—why don't you hit a man?'"

Saul:"Then what happened?"

Paul: "That's all I remember."

Did you hear about the dog that went to the flea circus?

He stole the show.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what m ade all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity

She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? 'WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

First Pupil: This school must be haunted.

Second Pupil: Why?

First Pupil: People are always talking about the school spirit.

Polite visitor : "Your son is making really good progress with his piano since I heard him last. He is beginning to play quite nice tunes."

Mother: "Oh, do you really think so? His father and I were afraid that we'd merely got used to it."

A hat was passed around a church congregation for taking up an offering for the visiting minister.

Presently it was returned to him ... conspicuously and embarrassingly empty. Slowly and deliberately, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then raising his eyes to heaven, he exclaimed fervently, "I thank thee, dear Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

Adam and his son Abel were walking past the Garden of Eden.

"Who owns that place?" asked Abel.

"That"s where we used to live," said Adam. "Before your mother ate us out of house and home."

Mother: How did you do on your first day of school?
Son: Not so well, I guess. I have to go back tomorrow.

Proud mother : "Yes, he's fourteen months old now and he's been walking since he was eight months old!"

Bored visitor: "Really? He must be awfully tired."

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. A friend came to visit one weekend and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "to be honest we've had a few arguments over names. I wanted to call the ranch the Bar-J; my wife favored the Suzy-Q; one son liked the Flying-W; and my other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So we"re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch."

"But where are all your cattle?" asked the friend.

"So far, none have survived the branding."

Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of twelve and seventeen, for example, a child may see his parent age twenty years.

Middle age is when you know all the answers and nobody asks you the questions.

One said: "My wife always complains that I don"t help with the housework."

The other said: "Mine constantly complains that I never listen to her - or something like that."

Waiter: "You ought to have some of our enthusiastic stew."

Diner: "Why do you call it that?"

Waiter: "Because the cook puts everything he has into it."

Did you ever hear of a person turning into something e1se?

Well, my big brother was driving Dad's car and he turned into a telephone pole.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that his tail wags instead of his tongue.

If you were walking down the street and smashed toe, what would you do?

Call a tow truck.

Principal: This is the fourth time you have been to my office this week. What have you to say for yourself, Billy?

Billy: I'm certainly glad that today is Friday.

The Smiths were just back from a camping trip.

"How did you find the mosquitoes?" asked a friend.

"I didn't," said Mr. Smith. "They found me."

A farmer was driving past an insane asylum with a load of fertilizer. An inmate of the asylum saw him and called, "What are you hauling?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it on strawberries."

"You ought to live in here; we get sugar and cream on them."

A farmer who was on his way home from market had the feeling that he had forgotten something; but what it was he couldn't figure out. As he neared home this conviction increased to such a degree that he stopped his horses two or three times, scratched his head in perplexity, and tried to recall what he had forgotten, but in vain. At last he reached home and was met by his daughter, who looked at him in surprise and cried, "Why Father, what have you done with Mother?"

"I haven't slept for days."

"How come?"

"I only sleep at night."

"He is suffering from Dunlops' disease."

"What is Dunlops' disease?"

"His stomach done-lops over his belt!"

Q: "At what time of day was Adam born?"
A: "A little before Eve."

It was a baking hot day in the office. The temperature was nudging a hundred outside and a really foul smell was wafting around the room. As the odor grew more intense, the fourteen-strong workforce began to suffer.

Eventually one man said pointedly: "Clearly someone"s deodorant isn"t working."

A guy in the corner called out: "Well, it can"t be me because I"m not wearing any."

Set in his ways, a man went to the same hairdresser every month, this despite the fact that the hairdresser had the annoying habit of belittling whatever his customers said. One month the customer said he had bought a new car.

"What sort?" asked the hairdresser.

"A Mercedes," replied the customer.

The hairdresser was quick to pour cold water on the purchase. "You shouldn"t have got a Mercedes," he sneered. "A Ferrari is much classier and with a more comfortable interior. No, you"d be better off with a Ferrari."

The following month the customer revealed that he had bought an executive house on a new development on the outskirts of town. "Oh, you don"t want to move there," said the hairdresser. "It"s in the middle of nowhere. There are no amenities nearby, and I"ve heard the land is liable to flooding. You see, they"ll be giving those houses away soon."

At his next appointment, the customer said that he was going on holiday to Rome.

"What do you want to go to Rome for?" asked the hairdresser. "There"s nothing much there. It"s all ruins. No, if you must go to Italy, go to Florence."

"As a matter of fact," said the customer, struggling to get a word in, "it"s always been my ambition to meet the Pope and, if possible, to get to speak to him."

"You speak to the Pope?" mocked the hairdresser. "You"ve got no chance. You won"t get anywhere near him. I"ll bet you two hundred dollars that the Pope doesn"t talk to you."

The customer was so fed up with the hairdresser"s attitude that he accepted the bet. A month later he returned for his next haircut and was asked how he had got on in Rome.

"Don"t forget our two hundred dollars bet," crowed the hairdresser. "You can pay by check."

"No, actually you owe me two hundred dollars," said the customer. "The Pope did speak to me."

"How did you manage that?" demanded the hairdresser indignantly.

"Well," said the customer, "I was wandering around St. Peter"s Square one morning hoping to catch a glimpse of the Pope when, to my surprise, I saw him walking towards me. And then amazingly he stopped beside me and began talking to me."

"What did he say?" asked the hairdresser.

"He said: "Where on earth did you get that terrible haircut?""

A hunter was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said: 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'

The hunter took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back in his pocket. The frog then cried out: 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do whatever you want.'

Again the hunter took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

Finally the frog demanded: 'What is your problem? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'

The hunter said: 'Look, I'm an avid hunter, and when I'm not hunting, I'm fishing. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!'

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the helicopter rides, but he balked at the $25 tickets.

"Let's make a deal," said the pilot. "If you and your wife can ride without making a single sound, I won't charge you anything. Otherwise you pay the twenty-five dollars."

"Good deal!" said the farmer.

So they went for a ride. When they got back the pilot said, "If I hadn't been there, I never would have believed it You never made a sound!"

"It wasn't easy, either," said the farmer. "I almost yelled when my wife fell out"

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of Scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

"Nothing easier," Twain replied. " 'No man can serve two masters.' "

An old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no friends. Just before he died he called his - doctor, lawyer, and minister together around his bed side. "I have always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me you throw the envelopes in."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave. On the way back from the I cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly right. I'm going to confess. I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."

The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000."

The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount."

Why did the bee cross his legs?

Because he couldn't find the BP station.

A newly married man came home from work to find his young wife stretched out on the sofa, wearing a sexy negligee.

'Guess what I've got planned for dinner?' she purred seductively. 'And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today!'

An elderly couple were discussing their future plans. The husband asked: 'What will you do if I die before you?'

After some thought, she said: 'I will probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women. And since I'm active for my age, I'll go for roommates who are a little younger than me. What about you? What will you do if I die first?'

He replied: 'Probably the same.'

A humble office clerk called Norman boasted to his boss that he knew everyone in the world who was worth knowing. Celebrities, royalty, politicians: he claimed to be personal friends with each and every one.

Needless to say his boss didn't believe him, so Norman offered to introduce him to one of his celebrity friends.

'Would you believe me if I took you to Arnold Schwarzenegger's house?' asked Norman.

'Maybe,' replied the boss.

So they drove off to Schwarzenegger's mansion, and Arnie came to the door to greet them. 'Hey, Norman, my friend, how are you doin'?'

They stayed for lunch and a chat and afterward Norman turned to his boss and said: 'Now are you convinced?'

'You just got lucky,' sneered the boss. 'Arnie's a friendly guy.'

'How about if I introduced you to Madonna? Then would you believe that I know everybody?'

'Perhaps.'

So they traveled to London where Norman took his boss to Madonna's house.

'Norman, great to see you again!' said Madonna warmly. 'Who's your friend?'

'This is my boss,' said Norman.

'Come in, both of you. Any friend of Norman is a friend of mine!'

Two drinks later they left. 'Now do you believe me?' asked Norman.

'Not really,' said the boss churlishly. 'I bet you tipped her off in advance and paid her to pretend she knew you.'

Norman had one trump card still to play. 'How about if I showed you I was friends with the Pope?'

'Well,' conceded the boss, 'I have to say that would be pretty impressive. I guess if you could appear on the Vatican balcony with the Pope, I'd finally be convinced that you know everyone in the world worth knowing.'

So the pair traveled to Rome. The boss waited in St. Peter's Square while Norman went into the Vatican. A few minutes later, sure enough, Norman appeared on the Vatican balcony alongside the Pope.

After his public appearance, Norman rushed back down to the square to learn his boss's reaction, only to find that he had fainted.

'What happened?' asked Norman.

'I was fine,' said the boss groggily, 'until the man next to me said: "Who's that on the balcony with Norman?'"

First Friend: She told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her.

Second Friend: But I told her not to tell you I told her!

First Friend: Oh, well, don't tell her I told you that she told me.

Teacher: Tommy, how did you get that swelling on your nose?
Tommy: I bent to smell a brose in my garden.
Teacher: There's no "b" in "rose."
Tommy: There was in this one!

Seen in local paper: Wanted: female cat for light mouse-keeping.

Teacher: "Yes, Timmy, what is it?"

Timmy: "I don't want to scare you, but Pop saidcif I didn't get better grades, someone is due for a licking."

A city boy was looking, not too hard, for a job.

"I can get you a job digging potatoes," suggested a country friend.

"Why don't you get the man that planted them?" asked the city boy. "He knows where he hid them."

Guide, on a safari in Africa: "Quick, m'lord! Shoot that leopard on the spot!"

Lord Byron: "Be specific, my man: which spot?"

"How can I ever show my appreciation?" gushed a woman to a famous lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"Madam," he replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there's been only one answer to that question."

First cannibal : "Am I late for chow?"

Second cannibal: "Yes, everybody's eaten."

Mike: "Don't you ever take a vacation?"
John: "I can't get away."
Mike: "Why? Can't the firm do without you?"
John: "And how! That's what I don't want them to find out."

Golf student: "Well, how do you like my game?"

Pro: "I suppose it's all right, but I still prefer golf."

Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today.
Mom: That's wonderful! What did you get a hundred in?
Stevie: In two things: I got forty in reading and sixty spelling.

Teacher: If I cut a beefsteak in two, then cut the half in two, what do I get?
Pupil: Quarters.
Teacher: And then if I cut it again?
Pupil: Eighths.
Teacher: Correct—and cut it again?
Pupil: Sixteenths. Teacher: And again?
Pupil: Hamburger!

Brother: Want to see something swell?
Sister: Sure!
Brother: Hit your head with a baseball bat.

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks...
"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"

The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"
The old man gets up and says "wait right here."

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:

" Ok, here's how it works...
If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher."

The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts...
"HOT DANG SON - HE'S A REPUBLICAN!"

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

Republicans announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.

American Indians have nicknamed John McCain "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.

McCain only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

McCain got off his private plane with a baby pig under each arm. His body guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said "Nice pigs, Sir!"

McCain replied "These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Cindy, and I got one for Sarah."

The guard again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, Sir!"

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

One night, George Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked -

"George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows.
It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

And Abe replied..."Go to the theater!"

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $25.00
Fried Explorer: $35.00
Grilled Democrat $40.00
Baked Republican: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the Republican?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

First surgeon: "I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he does the work of five guys." Second surgeon: "That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!"

Third surgeon: "Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when George Bush went walking by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's putting this entire country out of work!"

It's amazing how sometimes the strongest things can be brought down by the smallest things. For example, it only took an iceberg to sink the "unsinkable" Titanic, but it only took a Bush to sink America.

Bush is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

A little girl at her first church wedding suddenly whispered loudly to her mother: "Mummy, has the lady changed her mind ?"

"Why, dear, whatever do you mean?" her mother asked.

"Well, Mummy, she went up the aisle with one man and came back with another!"

Junior: "Dad, can you help me with this arithmetic?"

Dad: "I could, but it wouldn't be right, would it?"

Junior: "No, I don't suppose so—but you could try, anyhow!"

When is it easy to read in the woods?

When autumn turns the leaves.

Soldier: "Don't bother me. I am writing to my girl."

Friend: "But why are you writing so slowly?"

Soldier: "She can't read very fast."

Mother, boarding a plane with her daughter, said to the pilot: "Now don't start going faster than sound, we want to talk."

Friend: Do you think anyone can tell the future with cards?

Junior: My mother can. She took one look at my report card and told me exactly what would happen when dad got home.

Student: How were your exam questions?

Second Student: They were easy, but I had trouble with the answers.

Girl talking to friend about her boy friend who stood her up to go fishing: "If you want to find him, just go down to the bridge and look for a pole with a worm on each end."

Teacher: I asked you to draw a horse and wagon but you've drawn only a horse.

Pupil: I figured the horse would draw the wagon.

Teacher: What is your favorite state, Sam?

Sam: Mississippi.

Teacher: How do you spell it?

Sam: Er . . . I like Ohio much better.

A dim-witted girl was visiting a sailor in the hospital.

"Where were you wounded?" she asked.

"In the Gulf, ma'am," he answered.

"How terrible!" she exclaimed. "Is it any better?"

A woman was trying to collect compensation for an accident. When the insurance adjustor called, she demanded loudly, "I want $20,000 for that lost thumb."

"But madam, that seems a lot of money for just a thumb."

"Well, it isn't," she insisted. "It's the one I kept my husband under."

Boastful soldier, at a party: "The bullet struck my head and went careening into space."

Bored friend: "You're being honest about it, anyway."

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Change?!?!?!?

What always has an eye open but can't see anything?

A needle.

A tourist stopped at a combination gas station and general store in the back country. While his car was being serviced, he noticed an old-timer basking in the sun holding a short piece of rope in his hand.

The tourist walked over to him and asked, "What have you there?"

"This is a weather gauge, sonny."

"How can you possibly tell the weather with a piece of rope?" the tourist wanted to know.

"It's simple, sonny. When it swings back and forth it's windy. When it gets wet, it's raining." •

An immigrant, taking his test for naturalization papers, was asked, "Who is the president of the United States?"

"George Bush," he answered.

"Could you be president?" was the next question he was asked.

"No." Nodding encouragingly, the questioner asked, "Why not?"

"I'm too busy right now," explained the immigrant gently.

The absent-minded husband had been married only a short time. One evening upon arriving home at his usual time, he found his wife acting cool toward him.

"What is the matter, dear ?" he asked worriedly.

"Well George, you didn't kiss me when you left this morning," she said.

"Oh, darling," he said in wonderment. "Then who was it that I kissed?"

Customer: I'd like to try on that skirt in the window.
Clerk: It would be better if you'd use the dressing room.

Patient: Doctor, I'm scared to death! This is my first operation!
Doctor: I know just how you feel. You're my first patient!

A problem child was brought to the principal's office.
Principal: Do you ever do your homework?
Student: Oh, now and then.
Principal: Where do you do it?
Student: Oh, here and there.
Principal: Put him in that closet.
Student: Hey! When will I get out?
Principal: Oh, sooner or later.

Matron : "Candice, when you wait on the table tonight for my guests, please don't spill anything."

Hired girl : "Don't you worry, ma'am, I never talk much."

"How's your uncle doing with his farm?"

"Not so good. There ain't so much money in milk and eggs any more. So he sits up all night trying to think of something else for the hens and cows to do."

There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride
With the lady inside
And a smile on the face of the tiger.

Absent-minded husband: "Lady, what are you doing in my bed?"

Lady: "Well, I like this bed, I like this neighborhood, I like this house, and I like this room. And anyway, I'm your wife!"

It's been said, there are three kinds of lies.
Lies, Damned Lies, and anything said by a Republican.

If you think Hilary Clinton won 18 million votes because of her internal plumbing, you might be a Republican.

A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"$12 for the rat,$100 for the story," said the owner.

The tourist gave the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to run toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just
outside of Washington, DC. Nothing is moving north or
south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down
his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush, Vice President
Cheney, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh and Anne Coulter.
They are demanding a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they
are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on
fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a
collection."

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."

The only good Republican is a dead ... No, wait! The dead ones stink too.

What do you get when you offer a republican a penny for his thoughts?
Change.

You might be a Republican if... You think lies about Democrats are the truth and the truth about Republicans are lies.

A Republican was out jogging and he encountered a man with some puppies. The Republican asked the man what kind of puppies they were and the man responded, "They're Republican puppies,"

The Republican thought that this was so great that the next day he brought the wife to see these puppies for herself. He asked the man to tell his wife what kind of puppies they were and the man responded, "They're Democrat puppies." The Republican looked puzzled and said, "Yesterday, you told me that they were Republican puppies." The man smiled and said, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"

And to know McCain's character, all you need to do is check the content of his Depends.

What happens when a republican has Alzheimer's?
His IQ goes up!

Have you ever voted Republican because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

McCain had a real penchant for crashing planes - he was the prototype for the crash test dummy.

Obama and McCain both were scheduled to appear in a church but McCain was 30 minutes late - his nap went longer than expected.

---


Obama and McCain both were scheduled to appear in a church but McCain was 30 minutes late - actually he was early but he stopped by the confessional.

---


Obama and McCain both were scheduled to appear in a church but McCain was 30 minutes late - he was trying to find the statue of himself nailed to a cross.

According to John McCain, the happiest years of his life were the 6 he spent in kindergarten.

McCain has been very successful raising money lately - of course his biggest contributor is still Geritol.

I'm not saying McCain is old but when he was in school, God was a year behind him.

I'm not saying McCain is old but when he was in school there were only 3 presidents.

And he couldn't remember them.

Q: How can you tell a true lover of classical music?
A: They can listen to the William Tell Overture without yelling, "Hi Yo Silver!"

When a wealthy businessman choked on a sharp fish bone in a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing into action, the doctor skilfully removed the bone and saved the businessman's life.

Recovering slowly, he thanked the doctor profusely and offered to pay him. "Just name your fee," he croaked gratefully.

The doctor thought for a moment and said: Okay. "How about half of what you would have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

Telephone companies have cut off FBI wiretaps used to eavesdrop on suspected criminals because of the bureau's repeated failures to pay phone bills on time. Now the rest of us can feel a little better when we're a little late on a bill.

Some say the happier you make the workers, the more productive your workers will be, which is hard to believe because I'm the happiest on my days off.

When you see a man opening the car door for his wife, you can be sure either the car is new or the wife is.

Phone courtesy is a lost art. Used to be people would answer a phone, "Hello?" Now it's "Press one for Engrish."

Here in Rockford we have a saying - If you don't like the weather, change the channel.

My doctor realized that many people get upset waiting in his office so he started a system to let us know when we were next - right after we win the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes.

My doctor works for an HMO. The M.D. after his name stands for Medical Don't.

My wife got a job at a bank. Now she imposes a hefty penalty for early withdrawal.

I think terrorists and illegal immigrants must be working in cahoots. Terrorists sneak across the border to blow stuff up and illegal immigrants sneak across to get a job rebuilding it.

Always dress for work as if you have a job interview that afternoon. You'll be surprised at how much time it saves.

A boss is someone who gives you all the work and keeps all the money.

I understand why Toyota has over taken FOrd to become the number 2 automaker. It used to be that American cars were built by union employess who were proud to drive a car with their company's name on it. Now, if Ford would come out with models named Manpower or Labor Ready.

The American Justice System is easy to understand. You have a prosecutor and defense attorney who are both trying to convince 12 people that it's the other guy's fault they got stuck on jury duty.

What do country music and rap music have in common?
They're both oxymorons.

I understand Muslims can have up to four wives. Imagine nag in surround sound.

I used to have a Sleep Number Bed then one night I was counting sheep and using the remote to keep track. When I got to 100, the bed exploded.

When you want to borrow money, borrow it from a pessimist.
Pessimists don't expect you to pay it back.

Several buzzards had been circling all day looking for a dead animal carcass to eat. As night approached, one wearily suggested to the others, "Let's just kill some small animal and eat it. If we don't, we'll all die of starvation."

Buzzard's don't do that," said a second.

"Says who?"

"I read it in Wikipedia."

In Toronto an 85 year old man was nabbed for street racing in his Oldmobile. -- Oldsmobile is coming out with new ads that say: This is not your father's Oldsmobile, but it's as fast as your grandpa's.

In another story, a 58 year old woman was banned from driving after going 10mph on a highway - she was driving her father's Old'smobile.

A new study finds that when it comes to spending money, the pharmaceutical industry places more emphasis on advertising than it does on research and development of new therapies.

You know what the drug companies' ads used to say: Today's medicines pay for tomorrow's politicians, er advertisements.

Texas has just freed another man from prison who was exonerated through DNA evidence. Texas leads the nation in prisoners released after DNA testing and also leads the nation in executing prisoners. This of course is a big concern - how to fry 'em before the evidence can free 'em.

Purdue University students are making some extra cash sniffing manure for science. So far they've discovered it smells better than a frat house after a party.

Studies show that just because you're in the hospital doesn't mean you'll quickly get treated if your heart stops beating. About one-third of patients don't get a potentially live-saving shock within the recommended two minutes - they just give you the bill up front.

Tax time is like election time - you have to send something to Washington whether you want to or not.

TAX TIME: That time of year when the government of the people, by the people, and for the people stick it to the people