Sunday, January 13, 2008

Q: How can you tell a true lover of classical music?
A: They can listen to the William Tell Overture without yelling, "Hi Yo Silver!"

Saturday, January 12, 2008

When a wealthy businessman choked on a sharp fish bone in a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing into action, the doctor skilfully removed the bone and saved the businessman's life.

Recovering slowly, he thanked the doctor profusely and offered to pay him. "Just name your fee," he croaked gratefully.

The doctor thought for a moment and said: Okay. "How about half of what you would have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Telephone companies have cut off FBI wiretaps used to eavesdrop on suspected criminals because of the bureau's repeated failures to pay phone bills on time. Now the rest of us can feel a little better when we're a little late on a bill.
Some say the happier you make the workers, the more productive your workers will be, which is hard to believe because I'm the happiest on my days off.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

When you see a man opening the car door for his wife, you can be sure either the car is new or the wife is.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Phone courtesy is a lost art. Used to be people would answer a phone, "Hello?" Now it's "Press one for Engrish."

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Here in Rockford we have a saying - If you don't like the weather, change the channel.
My doctor realized that many people get upset waiting in his office so he started a system to let us know when we were next - right after we win the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes.
My doctor works for an HMO. The M.D. after his name stands for Medical Don't.
My wife got a job at a bank. Now she imposes a hefty penalty for early withdrawal.
I think terrorists and illegal immigrants must be working in cahoots. Terrorists sneak across the border to blow stuff up and illegal immigrants sneak across to get a job rebuilding it.
Always dress for work as if you have a job interview that afternoon. You'll be surprised at how much time it saves.
A boss is someone who gives you all the work and keeps all the money.
I understand why Toyota has over taken FOrd to become the number 2 automaker. It used to be that American cars were built by union employess who were proud to drive a car with their company's name on it. Now, if Ford would come out with models named Manpower or Labor Ready.
The American Justice System is easy to understand. You have a prosecutor and defense attorney who are both trying to convince 12 people that it's the other guy's fault they got stuck on jury duty.
What do country music and rap music have in common?
They're both oxymorons.
I understand Muslims can have up to four wives. Imagine nag in surround sound.
I used to have a Sleep Number Bed then one night I was counting sheep and using the remote to keep track. When I got to 100, the bed exploded.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

When you want to borrow money, borrow it from a pessimist.
Pessimists don't expect you to pay it back.
Several buzzards had been circling all day looking for a dead animal carcass to eat. As night approached, one wearily suggested to the others, "Let's just kill some small animal and eat it. If we don't, we'll all die of starvation."

Buzzard's don't do that," said a second.

"Says who?"

"I read it in Wikipedia."

Friday, January 4, 2008

In Toronto an 85 year old man was nabbed for street racing in his Oldmobile. -- Oldsmobile is coming out with new ads that say: This is not your father's Oldsmobile, but it's as fast as your grandpa's.

In another story, a 58 year old woman was banned from driving after going 10mph on a highway - she was driving her father's Old'smobile.
A new study finds that when it comes to spending money, the pharmaceutical industry places more emphasis on advertising than it does on research and development of new therapies.

You know what the drug companies' ads used to say: Today's medicines pay for tomorrow's politicians, er advertisements.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Texas has just freed another man from prison who was exonerated through DNA evidence. Texas leads the nation in prisoners released after DNA testing and also leads the nation in executing prisoners. This of course is a big concern - how to fry 'em before the evidence can free 'em.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Purdue University students are making some extra cash sniffing manure for science. So far they've discovered it smells better than a frat house after a party.
Studies show that just because you're in the hospital doesn't mean you'll quickly get treated if your heart stops beating. About one-third of patients don't get a potentially live-saving shock within the recommended two minutes - they just give you the bill up front.
Tax time is like election time - you have to send something to Washington whether you want to or not.
TAX TIME: That time of year when the government of the people, by the people, and for the people stick it to the people