Monday, October 27, 2008

What did the adding machine say to the clerk?
You can count on me.
The Pope had just arrived in New York on a special papal visit. While his luggage was being loaded into the limo, he waited hesitantly on the pavement.

'Excuse me, your holiness,' said his driver. 'Would you please take your seat so that we can leave?'

The Pope looked wistfully at the car. 'They never let me drive at the Vatican, and to tell you the truth, I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm afraid I can't let you do that,' said the chauffeur. 'I'll lose my job! And what if you had an accident?'

But the Pope was becoming insistent. 'I'll make sure you are handsomely rewarded if you let me drive. Please. Just for this one day.'

Reluctantly, the chauffeur climbed into the back while the Pope positioned himself behind the wheel. No sooner had they left the airport than the Pope put his foot down and soon had the Popemobile doing a hundred and ten miles per hour.

'Slow down, please, your holiness!' begged the driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until he heard the sound of police car sirens.

'Oh great!' wailed the suffering chauffeur. 'Now I really will lose my licence!'

As the patrolman approached, the Pope pulled over and rolled down the window. Taking one look at him, the patrolman beat a hasty retreat back to his motorcycle and got straight on the radio. 'I need to talk to the chief,' he said urgently.

The chief of police got on the radio and the patrolman told him that he had stopped a limo that was doing over a hundred and ten miles per hour.

'So bust him,' said the chief.

'I don't think we want to do that,' said the cop. 'He's really important.'

'All the more reason.'

'No, I mean really important,' repeated the cop.

'Who've you got there, the mayor?'


'The governor?'


'Well,' said the chief, 'who is it?'

'I think it must be God,' replied the flustered cop.

'What on earth makes you think it's God?'

'Well, he's got the Pope driving for him!'
In the etiquette class he once attended, he was unanimously voted the student most likely to return.
What's gray, has four legs, and a trunk? A mouse going on a trip.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Teacher: Name the four seasons.
Danny: Salt, pepper, mustard, vinegar.
Coed: "Daddy, the girl who sits next to me in class has a dress just like mine."

Dad: "So you want a new dress."

Coed: "Well, it would be cheaper than changing colleges."
Two cows were talking in a field one day.

The first cow said: 'Have you heard about the Mad Cow Disease that's going around?'

The second cow said: 'Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?'
An employer said to a man applying for a job: "You ask high wages for a man with no experience."
"Well," the prospect replied, "it's so much harder work when you don't know anything about it."

Friday, October 24, 2008

Eve: "Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: "Who else?"
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: 'Dad, am I a hundred per cent polar bear?'

The father replied: 'Of course, son, you're a hundred per cent polar bear.'

A few minutes later, the cub turned to his father again and said: 'Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I a hundred per cent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?'

The father answered: 'Son, I'm a hundred per cent polar bear, your mother is 100 per cent polar bear, so you are definitely a hundred per cent polar bear.'

The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father once more and said: 'Dad, don't think you're sparing my feelings. I've got to know. Am I a hundred per cent polar bear?'

The father was becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: 'Why do you keep asking if you're a hundred per cent polar bear?'

The cub said: 'Because I'm freezing!'
Customer: "I understand this is a second-hand store."
Clerk: "Yes, it is."
Customer : "Well, then, I want one for my watch."
There was an old man from Peru,
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe.
He awoke in the night
In a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Teacher: Do you like to come to school, David?

David: Sure, and I like to go home too. It's the in-between time that gets me.
Tourist: "Shame on you! A big man like you catching poor little helpless fish!"

Fisherman : "Well, if this fish had kept his mouth shut, he wouldn't be on the end of this hook."
In the National Forests of Alaska, a tourist guide was addressing a group of vacationers about the dangers of hiking in grizzly bear territory. He warned: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in the hope of viewing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be disastrous. To avoid this, we suggest that hikers should wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. Finally, exercise added caution when you spot signs of bears in the area, particularly when you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked: "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Easy," explained the guide. "They're the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"
A third grader went home and told her mother she was in love with a classmate and was going to marry him. "That's fine," said her mother, going along with the gag. "Does he have a job?"

The little girl replied, "Oh, yes. He erases the blackboard in our class."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven.

God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, Welcome to heaven, my son.

God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease, the doctor replies. Welcome to heaven, my son, God says.

God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. Welcome to heaven, my son, says God, but you have to leave in two days.
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Palin and her bid.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a 'Post Turtle'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'Post Turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'Post Turtle'."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she don't belong up there, and she don't know what to do while she's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put her up there to begin with."
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Palin and her bid.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a 'Post Turtle'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'Post Turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'Post Turtle'."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she don't belong up there, and she don't know what to do while she's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put her up there to begin with."
Mom: Jennifer how did youdo on the history exam?

Jennifer: Not very well. But it wasn't my fault. They asked me about things that happened before I was born.
Dorothy, aged six, was watching her mother put cold cream on her face.

"What's that for, Mummy," she asked.

"It's face cream, dear, to make me beautiful." A little while later, after the cold cream had been wiped off, Dorothy looked at her mother for a minute, shook her head, and remarked sadly, "Didn't work, did it, Mummy?"
A pioneering cardiologist was in such demand to talk about his breakthrough discovery that he was paid fifty thousand dollars to present it before a convention of his peers. After being asked to do several more presentations for a similar fee, he quickly realized that it was more lucrative to go on the medical lecture circuit than to continue as a working surgeon. So he decided to concentrate on the lectures full-time. To make the incessant touring more pleasurable, he bought a limousine and hired a chauffeur.

Six months into the new career, his chauffeur turned to him and said: 'It's not fair this . ..'

'What do you mean?' asked the surgeon.

'Well, you get fifty thousand dollars every time you give a lecture, and that's more than I get paid in a whole year.'

The surgeon tried to justify himself by explaining that the groundbreaking process he had discovered was extremely complex and that only he could deliver the lecture.

'That's nonsense,' said the driver. 'I could do your lecture. I've seen you give it so many times that I know it by heart.'

'All right then,' agreed the surgeon. 'I'll let you do the next lecture and you can keep the fifty thousand. Is that fair?'

The chauffeur said: 'Right. You're on.'

So on arrival at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver exchanged jackets. While the driver went up on stage to deliver the lecture, the surgeon, wearing the driver's cap, sat quietly at the rear of the hall.

The chauffeur was not only word perfect with the lecture but he also managed to field every question without the slightest problem. But just as he was about to wind the afternoon up, a medical geek in the audience stumped him with a really difficult question. Rather than admit not knowing the answer, the driver remained commendably calm. 'You know,' he said, 'I have done this lecture over two hundred and fifty times, and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.'
What a good thing Adam had—whenever he told a joke, he knew no one had heard it before.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I'm on the 'One meal a day diet' and it's working. I'm already up to July 12, 2187.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

McCain walks out to give a speech on the White House lawn and all of the sudden you see a dust cloud and McCain gone.

"I guess the President just dried up & blew away" responds the White House Correspondent.

"I guess he was older than dirt," responds a reporter.

Out comes Sarah Palin, "Does this mean Obama's President now?"
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

Life begins, said the priest, at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.

We believe, said the minister, that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.

You're both wrong, said the rabbi. Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house.
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sundays sermon he told them, If one more person confesses
to adultery, Ill quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word fallen
instead. From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had
fallen. This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and
everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed
away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the
mayor. The priest was quite concerned, You have to do something about
the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You cant believe how many people
come into the confessional talking about having fallen!

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their
code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the
mayor and said, I dont know why youre laughing; your wife fell
three times last week!
What's on your mind?... if you'll please excuse the exaggeration.
What's the difference between a battery and a Republican?
A battery has a positive side.
Did you hear about the Republican who:

Returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," and sat down to wait for himself?

Slammed his wife and kissed the door?

Got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle ?
Did you hear about the Republican who stayed up all night see where the sun went?
Finally it dawned on him.

Monday, October 6, 2008

A man dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly gates. Behind St. Peter, is a wall of clocks. The man asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks".

St Peter answers, " Everyone has one. The hands move when someone lies".

The man asks about George Washington. St Peter says."The hands have never moved".

The man: What about Abe Lincoln?

St Peter: Only moved twice.

The man: Where is John McCain's clock?

St. Peter: It's in Jesus' office. He's using it for a fan!
The John McCain, Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin are in a plane. All of the sudden Cindy says: "If I were to throw out a $100 bill, I would make one person very happy."

John answers: "If I threw ten $10 bills out of the window, I would make ten whole people happy."

Sarah feels the need to say something as well: "If I threw a hundred $1 bills out of the window, I would make a hundred people happy."

The pilot, who had been listening to the conversation, mutters to the co-pilot: "If I were to throw these three out of the window, I'd make millions happy!"
John McCain has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

McCain thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the door to the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" McCain said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way! I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented McCain.

The devil opened the third door. In it, McCain saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. John McCain looked at this in disbelief for awhile and finally said, "Yeah I could handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . "Monica you're free to go..."
I think therefore I am (not a Republican...)

Sunday, October 5, 2008

An 84 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The next time the doctor saw him he asked how he was doing.

"Great," said the old guy. "I did just what you told me. 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.' "

"I didn't say that," said the doctor. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.' "
This old guy was talking to his neighbor telling him about the new hearing aid he just got. "It cost a fortune, but it was worth it. It works perfectly."

"Really," said the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Ten thirty."
A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups. The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember.

Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything.

"Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" she asked.

"Sure," he replied.

"Do you think you should write that down to remember it?" she asked.

"No, I can remember that," he said.

"I'd like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?" she said.

"No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries," he said, becoming a little irritated.

"I'd like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down," she said.

"For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don't need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream," he said, now more than a little irritated.

Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife stared at it for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?"
According to hospital regulations, patients are required to be escorted out in a wheelchair when being discharged. A student nurse was having some trouble with an elderly gentleman who insisted that he did not need a wheelchair. After some discussion about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed. As she was wheeling him out, the student nurse asked the man if his wife was going to pick him up.

"I don't know," he replied. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Three old buddies are out for a walk.

Old guy #1 says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Old guy #2 says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Old guy #3 says, "So am I. Let's go get milk shake."
An elderly couple went to dinner at the home of some friends, also elderly. After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen and the two men were talking. One said, "We went out to dinner last night at a really good restaurant. I'd highly recommend it."

The second man said, "What's the name of it?"

The first man thought and thought, then said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love, the one that is usually red that has thorns?"

"Oh, you mean a rose?" said the second man.

"Yes, that's it," said the first man. Then he called to the kitchen, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, "You know, I'm 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"

The other guy says, "Oh, I feel like a newborn baby."

"Really," says the first guy.

"Yep," says the second one. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."
Do you find yourself looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?"

If so, you'll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room of my new dentist. It was my first appointment. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which had his full name.

Suddenly, I recalled a tall, dark haired, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class nearly 50 years ago. Could this be the same boy I had a secret crush on, way back then?

When I saw him, however, I quickly discarded that thought. This gray haired, balding man with the deeply wrinkled face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm! Or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northampton High School.

"Yes, I did!" he said. "I'm a Konkrete Kid." He gleamed with pride.

"What year did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1959," he said. "Why do you ask?"

"I was in your class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, wrinkled, old, fat, bald, gray, decrepit SOB asked, "What did you teach?"
A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television. BUT, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blond."

"Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50 year old woman. It doesn't seem fair."

His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25 year old blond? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television."
Three stages of man: Youth; Middle age; "You're looking fine."
A farmer needed to buy a bull to service his cows but, in order to afford it, he had to borrow money from the bank. The banker who lent him the money stopped by a week later to see how his investment was shaping up. The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at the cows, so the banker suggested calling in a vet to take a look at the animal.

The following week the banker returned to see if the vet had been of any use. The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull serviced all my cows twice," he said, "then broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbor"s cows three times."

"Wow!" exclaimed the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave me some pills to give him," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?"

"I don"t know," said the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."
A tobacco farmer was showing a visiting lady around his farm.

"These are tobacco plants in full bloom," he explained.

"Isn't that wonderful!" she gushed. "And when will the cigars be ripe?"
John: Did you ever hear the joke about the ceiling?

Bill: No.

John: I didn't think so. It's over your head.
How can you tell your girlfriend's getting fat?
She starts to fit in your ex-wife's clothes.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Gov. Palin likes to say that she's Joe Six-pack. What she doesn't realize is that Joe can no longer afford 6-packs and is now known as Joe 20-ouncer.
Gov. Palin exceeded all expectations in the vice-presidential debate. She showed up.
In tonight's Vice-presidential debate, Palin made a speech rudely interrupted by off topic questions by the moderator.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

(Wife to husband that just got off the scale) "Your fortune says that you are handsome, debonair, and wealthy. It even has your weight wrong!"
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.

Johnny: And you don't know my father!
Ben: "One of our little pigs was sick so I gave him some sugar."

Dan: "Sugar! What for?"

Ben: "Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured ham?"
Doctor: How is the boy who swallowed the half-dollar?
Nurse: No change yet, sir.