Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'
The kindergarten teacher noticed a little puddle under Mary's chair.

'Oh, Mary!' said the teacher. 'You should have put your hand up.'

'I did,' said Mary. 'But it still trickled through my fingers.'
If twelve make a dozen, how many make a million?

Very few.
Doctor: Nobody lives forever.
Patient: Do you mind if I try?

Monday, February 16, 2009

Teacher: I don't see how one person can make so many mistakes on his homework!

Student: It wasn't one person. My dad helped me.
"You know, I think everyone should divide his worldly goods with the other fellow," said one office worker to another.

"That's a good idea. If you had two thousand dollars, would you give me one half?"


"And if you had two automobiles, would you give me one?"


"And if you had two shirts, would you give me one?"



"Because I've got two shirts."
Following a succession of complaints about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, a maid was dismissed by her wealthy female employer.

Refusing to accept such criticism, the maid answered back. 'Your husband considers me a better cook and housekeeper than you, madam. He has told me himself. And furthermore, I am better in bed than you!'

'And I suppose my husband told you that, too?' said the rich woman angrily.

'No, madam. The mailman.'
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.
Q: "How do you make anti-freeze?"
A: "Steal her blanket."
You just might be a Conservative if the officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"

Sunday, February 15, 2009

You just might be a Conservative if When you finish eating your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.
Clara: "My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour."

Sarah: "That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject!"
A zookeeper needed some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to write a letter. But unfortunately he didn't know the plural of 'mongoose'.

He started the letter: 'To whom it may concern, I need two mongeese.' But that didn't sound right, so he tried again. 'To whom it may concern, I need two mongooses.' But that didn't sound right either. Then he had an idea. 'To whom it may concern, I need a mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one.'
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
A small boy went to a school picnic, but it hardly met his expectations. He was stung by a bee; he fell into a creek; a little girl pulled his hair; he got badly sunburned. As he arrived home, limping and with torn and muddy clothes, his mother greeted him and asked, "Well, Son, what kind of time did you have at the picnic?"

"Mom," Sonny replied slowly, "I'm so glad I'm back, I'm glad I went."
Teacher: Is there anything you can do better than anyone else?

Cindy: Yes, sir, read my own handwriting.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Q: "What does an elephant do when he hurts his toe?"

A: "He calls a tow truck."
You just might be a Conservative if you and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!
A worker was given the job of painting white lines down the middle of the highway. On his first day, he painted six miles; on his second day, he did three miles; and on his third day, he painted less than a mile.

The foreman was not pleased. 'How come you're doing less each day?' he demanded.

'Because,' said the worker indignantly, 'each day I keep getting further away from the can of paint!'
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
A visitor at a state prison asked one of the prisoners,

"What's your name?"

"9742," the prisoner sneered.

"Is that your real name?"

"Naw," he said, "just me pen name."
A teacher asked her first-grade class to bring their birth certificates to class. When the time came to give them to her, Timmy stood up and said very politely, "Teacher, I forgot my excuse for being born."

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I don't know what this means about how long winter will last, but when the groundhog came out to check his shadow, Sarah Palin shot it.
After discussing the weather peculiarities of March, the teacher asked, "What is it that comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb?"

Third Grader: Father.
You just might be a Republican if your age is higher than your I.Q.
Larry: "When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all the boys would make fun of me."

Moe: "What did you do?"

Larry: "I hit them over the head with my purse!"
At the height of the Cold War, the Russians and the Americans had got together and decided that the only way to resolve matters was by way of a dogfight. Whichever country lost the fight would lay down its arms. To prepare for the contest, each country had five years in which to breed the world's meanest fighting dog.

Russian experts set to work with a vengeance, rounding up the biggest, nastiest Dobermans and Rottweillers and breeding them with Siberian wolves. They took only the strongest puppy from each litter and made sure that it received all the milk, even at the expense of the rest of the puppies. After five years they came up with a truly fearsome beast - a dog that no human dared approach and which had to be kept in a cage behind five-inch thick steel bars. The Russian dog was a killing machine.

Come the day of the fight, the Russians paraded their awesome animal and waited to see what kind of dog the Americans would offer as a challenger. To the Russians' amazement and amusement, the American handler was walking a nine foot long dachshund. The Russians couldn't believe that after five years, the most brutal hound the Americans could come up with was an elongated sausage dog.

The two animals were left alone in the ring. The Russian dog snarled and growled at its opponent but the American dog simply waddled forward and swallowed it whole.

The Russians were distraught. They said to the Americans: 'Our best scientists have spent five years developing this brutal dog, crossbreeding with wolves. We thought it was unbeatable.'

'Well,' said the Americans, 'we had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a dachshund.'
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
Walking along a street a man was attracted by frightened screams from a house. Rushing in he found a mother frantic because her little son had swallowed a quarter. Seizing the child by the heels, he held him up, gave him a few shakes, and the coin dropped to the floor. The grateful mother was lost in admiration.

"You certainly knew how to get it out of him," she said. "Are you a doctor?"

"No, madam," the man replied, "I'm from the IRS."

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A Republican was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents.

"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up with what I believe."
Q: Why did the Republican have tire tread marks on his back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said "DON'T WALK".
Bill: I keep seeing spots before my eyes.
Al: Have you seen a doctor?
Bill: No, just spots.
Ben: "They tell me when I'm in the saddle I'm a part of the horse."

Clyde: "Yes, but did they tell you what part?"
A little-known fact about William Tell is that apart from being an expert with the crossbow, he was an accomplished chef. One day he had prepared a new dish for his Swiss friends, but, ever the perfectionist, he felt there was something missing with the sauce.

'More berries in the sauce?' he suggested.

'No, no,' they said. 'I think you have just the right amount of berries.'

'More salt, then?'

'No, the amount of salt is perfect,' they insisted.

'Herbs, that's it,' he said triumphantly. 'I should have put in more herbs. What do you think?'

'Hmm,' they pondered, tasting the sauce. 'Perhaps only thyme, Will Tell.'
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up the idea. They have no holidays.
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A fellow was having his first date with a new girl. Things were going along pretty well, as they rode along in his car, when she turned to him and coyly asked: "Do you want to see where I was operated on?"

"Why—uh—yeah. Sure!" he gulped.

"Well, all right," said the girl. "We're just two blocks from the hospital now."
Q: Why can't Republicans put in light bulbs?
A: Keep breakin' em' with hammers.
Mother: Why are you crying?
Tommy: Daddy hit his hand with a hammer.
Mother: You should be laughing.
Tommy: I did.
Two men found three hand grenades and decided that they ought to take them to the police station.

"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asked one.

The other replied: "Don't worry. We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."
My little girl was sitting on her father's lap facing a mirror. After gazing intently at her reflection for some minutes, she said, "Daddy, did God make you?"

"Certainly, my dear," he told her.

"And did he make me, too?" taking another look in the mirror.

"Certainly, dear. What makes you ask?"

"Seems to me He's doing better work lately."

Monday, February 9, 2009

It's been said that "Republicans never met a tax they liked," but lately, it seems that the Democrats never met a tax they paid.
I don't know what this means about how long winter will last, but when the groundhog came out to check his shadow, Sarah Palin shot it.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

"They tell me you love music."

"Yes, I do. But never mind—keep right on playing."
A man, called to testify before the tax office, asked his accountant for advice as to what to wear for the hearing.

"Wear your scruffiest clothes," said the accountant. "Let them think you"re a pauper."

The man then asked his lawyer the same question, only to receive conflicting advice.

"Don"t let them intimidate you," said the lawyer. "Wear your best suit."

Confused, the man decided to consult his minister. "Let me tell you a story," said the minister. "A girl who was about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. The mother suggested: "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck." But the girl"s best friend advised: "Wear your sexiest negligee.""

The man said: "Yes, but what"s all this got to do with my problem with the tax office?"

The minister replied: "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
She: "Will you love me when I am old and wrinkled?"

He: "Yes, I do!"
Q: What do you see when you look directly into a Republican's eyes?

A: The back of his head.
Haven't I seen your face before somewhere else?

I don't think so. It's always been right here between my ears.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Suzie: I can be sick for nothing because my dad is a doctor.

Tommie: So what? I can be good for nothing because my dad is a minister.
Q: What do you call a Republican between two Democrats?
A: A mental block.
Announcement: The lodge meeting will be postponed. The Supreme Exalted Invincible Unlimited Sixty-Ninth Degree Potentate's wife wouldn't let him come!
Some girls shrink from sex. Others get bigger...and bigger...
Judge: "Now tell me, why did you steal that purse?"

Defendant : "Your honor, I was not feeling well and I thought the change would do me good."

Monday, February 2, 2009

Q: Did you hear about the Republican who attempted to drive to Disney World?

A: She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.
Bus Passenger (angrily): Madam, please control your child! He just tore off my wig.

Mother: Thank goodness! I thought he scalped you.
"Can any of you children tell me who lived in the Garden of Eden?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

"Yes, teacher," said a little girl, "I think it was the Adamses."
A farmer who lived in a remote part of the country never ventured into the city until one day he was persuaded by his wife to take the family to a shopping mall. It was their first taste of city life. While the wife was in the toilet, the man and his young son looked around the mall. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

"What is it?" asked the boy.

The father, never having seen an elevator, said: "I don"t know, son."

They watched enthralled as an elderly lady went over to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls then opened and she shuffled into a small room. The walls closed behind her, and the boy and his father gazed in awe as the small numbers above the walls lit up in sequence. They continued to watch until the last number was reached and then the numbers began to light up in reverse order. Finally the walls opened again and out stepped a beautiful young woman.

Without taking his eyes off her, the father quietly said to the boy: "Go get your mother."
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.

"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Did you hear about the Republican who put under Education on his job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...
Q: What happens when a Republican developes Alzheimers?
A: His IQ goes up.
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it every time he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!

Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.

The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives and a frog croaks every night.
As a cruise ship was leaving Athens, a woman went up to the captain and, pointing to the distant hills, inquired:

"What is that white stuff on those hills?"

"That is snow, madam," replied the captain.

"Well," said the lady, "I thought so myself. But a gentleman just told me it was Greece."
A man was flying in a hot air balloon when he became aware that he was lost. So he reduced height until he was able to call out to a man on the ground: "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don"t know where I am."

The man on the ground said: "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately twenty-five feet above this field. You are between latitude thirty-six and thirty-eight degrees north and between longitude forty and forty-five degrees east."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"Yes. How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man on the ground said: "And you must be a Republican,"

"That"s right," said the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Because you don"t know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise that you cannot keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is that you are in the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
Psychiatrist to patient: "You're quite right. A man is following you constantly. He's trying to collect the $200 you owe me."