God reigns when we take a liberal view, when a liberal view is presented to us. ~ Henry David Thoreau
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
"You know, I think everyone should divide his worldly goods with the other fellow," said one office worker to another.
"That's a good idea. If you had two thousand dollars, would you give me one half?"
"Sure."
"And if you had two automobiles, would you give me one?"
"Sure."
"And if you had two shirts, would you give me one?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I've got two shirts."
"That's a good idea. If you had two thousand dollars, would you give me one half?"
"Sure."
"And if you had two automobiles, would you give me one?"
"Sure."
"And if you had two shirts, would you give me one?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I've got two shirts."
Following a succession of complaints about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, a maid was dismissed by her wealthy female employer.
Refusing to accept such criticism, the maid answered back. 'Your husband considers me a better cook and housekeeper than you, madam. He has told me himself. And furthermore, I am better in bed than you!'
'And I suppose my husband told you that, too?' said the rich woman angrily.
'No, madam. The mailman.'
Refusing to accept such criticism, the maid answered back. 'Your husband considers me a better cook and housekeeper than you, madam. He has told me himself. And furthermore, I am better in bed than you!'
'And I suppose my husband told you that, too?' said the rich woman angrily.
'No, madam. The mailman.'
Sunday, February 15, 2009
A zookeeper needed some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to write a letter. But unfortunately he didn't know the plural of 'mongoose'.
He started the letter: 'To whom it may concern, I need two mongeese.' But that didn't sound right, so he tried again. 'To whom it may concern, I need two mongooses.' But that didn't sound right either. Then he had an idea. 'To whom it may concern, I need a mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one.'
He started the letter: 'To whom it may concern, I need two mongeese.' But that didn't sound right, so he tried again. 'To whom it may concern, I need two mongooses.' But that didn't sound right either. Then he had an idea. 'To whom it may concern, I need a mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one.'
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
A small boy went to a school picnic, but it hardly met his expectations. He was stung by a bee; he fell into a creek; a little girl pulled his hair; he got badly sunburned. As he arrived home, limping and with torn and muddy clothes, his mother greeted him and asked, "Well, Son, what kind of time did you have at the picnic?"
"Mom," Sonny replied slowly, "I'm so glad I'm back, I'm glad I went."
"Mom," Sonny replied slowly, "I'm so glad I'm back, I'm glad I went."
Friday, February 13, 2009
A worker was given the job of painting white lines down the middle of the highway. On his first day, he painted six miles; on his second day, he did three miles; and on his third day, he painted less than a mile.
The foreman was not pleased. 'How come you're doing less each day?' he demanded.
'Because,' said the worker indignantly, 'each day I keep getting further away from the can of paint!'
The foreman was not pleased. 'How come you're doing less each day?' he demanded.
'Because,' said the worker indignantly, 'each day I keep getting further away from the can of paint!'
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
Thursday, February 12, 2009
At the height of the Cold War, the Russians and the Americans had got together and decided that the only way to resolve matters was by way of a dogfight. Whichever country lost the fight would lay down its arms. To prepare for the contest, each country had five years in which to breed the world's meanest fighting dog.
Russian experts set to work with a vengeance, rounding up the biggest, nastiest Dobermans and Rottweillers and breeding them with Siberian wolves. They took only the strongest puppy from each litter and made sure that it received all the milk, even at the expense of the rest of the puppies. After five years they came up with a truly fearsome beast - a dog that no human dared approach and which had to be kept in a cage behind five-inch thick steel bars. The Russian dog was a killing machine.
Come the day of the fight, the Russians paraded their awesome animal and waited to see what kind of dog the Americans would offer as a challenger. To the Russians' amazement and amusement, the American handler was walking a nine foot long dachshund. The Russians couldn't believe that after five years, the most brutal hound the Americans could come up with was an elongated sausage dog.
The two animals were left alone in the ring. The Russian dog snarled and growled at its opponent but the American dog simply waddled forward and swallowed it whole.
The Russians were distraught. They said to the Americans: 'Our best scientists have spent five years developing this brutal dog, crossbreeding with wolves. We thought it was unbeatable.'
'Well,' said the Americans, 'we had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a dachshund.'
Russian experts set to work with a vengeance, rounding up the biggest, nastiest Dobermans and Rottweillers and breeding them with Siberian wolves. They took only the strongest puppy from each litter and made sure that it received all the milk, even at the expense of the rest of the puppies. After five years they came up with a truly fearsome beast - a dog that no human dared approach and which had to be kept in a cage behind five-inch thick steel bars. The Russian dog was a killing machine.
Come the day of the fight, the Russians paraded their awesome animal and waited to see what kind of dog the Americans would offer as a challenger. To the Russians' amazement and amusement, the American handler was walking a nine foot long dachshund. The Russians couldn't believe that after five years, the most brutal hound the Americans could come up with was an elongated sausage dog.
The two animals were left alone in the ring. The Russian dog snarled and growled at its opponent but the American dog simply waddled forward and swallowed it whole.
The Russians were distraught. They said to the Americans: 'Our best scientists have spent five years developing this brutal dog, crossbreeding with wolves. We thought it was unbeatable.'
'Well,' said the Americans, 'we had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a dachshund.'
Walking along a street a man was attracted by frightened screams from a house. Rushing in he found a mother frantic because her little son had swallowed a quarter. Seizing the child by the heels, he held him up, gave him a few shakes, and the coin dropped to the floor. The grateful mother was lost in admiration.
"You certainly knew how to get it out of him," she said. "Are you a doctor?"
"No, madam," the man replied, "I'm from the IRS."
"You certainly knew how to get it out of him," she said. "Are you a doctor?"
"No, madam," the man replied, "I'm from the IRS."
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A little-known fact about William Tell is that apart from being an expert with the crossbow, he was an accomplished chef. One day he had prepared a new dish for his Swiss friends, but, ever the perfectionist, he felt there was something missing with the sauce.
'More berries in the sauce?' he suggested.
'No, no,' they said. 'I think you have just the right amount of berries.'
'More salt, then?'
'No, the amount of salt is perfect,' they insisted.
'Herbs, that's it,' he said triumphantly. 'I should have put in more herbs. What do you think?'
'Hmm,' they pondered, tasting the sauce. 'Perhaps only thyme, Will Tell.'
'More berries in the sauce?' he suggested.
'No, no,' they said. 'I think you have just the right amount of berries.'
'More salt, then?'
'No, the amount of salt is perfect,' they insisted.
'Herbs, that's it,' he said triumphantly. 'I should have put in more herbs. What do you think?'
'Hmm,' they pondered, tasting the sauce. 'Perhaps only thyme, Will Tell.'
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
A fellow was having his first date with a new girl. Things were going along pretty well, as they rode along in his car, when she turned to him and coyly asked: "Do you want to see where I was operated on?"
"Why—uh—yeah. Sure!" he gulped.
"Well, all right," said the girl. "We're just two blocks from the hospital now."
"Why—uh—yeah. Sure!" he gulped.
"Well, all right," said the girl. "We're just two blocks from the hospital now."
My little girl was sitting on her father's lap facing a mirror. After gazing intently at her reflection for some minutes, she said, "Daddy, did God make you?"
"Certainly, my dear," he told her.
"And did he make me, too?" taking another look in the mirror.
"Certainly, dear. What makes you ask?"
"Seems to me He's doing better work lately."
"Certainly, my dear," he told her.
"And did he make me, too?" taking another look in the mirror.
"Certainly, dear. What makes you ask?"
"Seems to me He's doing better work lately."
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
A man, called to testify before the tax office, asked his accountant for advice as to what to wear for the hearing.
"Wear your scruffiest clothes," said the accountant. "Let them think you"re a pauper."
The man then asked his lawyer the same question, only to receive conflicting advice.
"Don"t let them intimidate you," said the lawyer. "Wear your best suit."
Confused, the man decided to consult his minister. "Let me tell you a story," said the minister. "A girl who was about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. The mother suggested: "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck." But the girl"s best friend advised: "Wear your sexiest negligee.""
The man said: "Yes, but what"s all this got to do with my problem with the tax office?"
The minister replied: "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
"Wear your scruffiest clothes," said the accountant. "Let them think you"re a pauper."
The man then asked his lawyer the same question, only to receive conflicting advice.
"Don"t let them intimidate you," said the lawyer. "Wear your best suit."
Confused, the man decided to consult his minister. "Let me tell you a story," said the minister. "A girl who was about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. The mother suggested: "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck." But the girl"s best friend advised: "Wear your sexiest negligee.""
The man said: "Yes, but what"s all this got to do with my problem with the tax office?"
The minister replied: "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
A farmer who lived in a remote part of the country never ventured into the city until one day he was persuaded by his wife to take the family to a shopping mall. It was their first taste of city life. While the wife was in the toilet, the man and his young son looked around the mall. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
"What is it?" asked the boy.
The father, never having seen an elevator, said: "I don"t know, son."
They watched enthralled as an elderly lady went over to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls then opened and she shuffled into a small room. The walls closed behind her, and the boy and his father gazed in awe as the small numbers above the walls lit up in sequence. They continued to watch until the last number was reached and then the numbers began to light up in reverse order. Finally the walls opened again and out stepped a beautiful young woman.
Without taking his eyes off her, the father quietly said to the boy: "Go get your mother."
"What is it?" asked the boy.
The father, never having seen an elevator, said: "I don"t know, son."
They watched enthralled as an elderly lady went over to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls then opened and she shuffled into a small room. The walls closed behind her, and the boy and his father gazed in awe as the small numbers above the walls lit up in sequence. They continued to watch until the last number was reached and then the numbers began to light up in reverse order. Finally the walls opened again and out stepped a beautiful young woman.
Without taking his eyes off her, the father quietly said to the boy: "Go get your mother."
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it every time he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!
Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.
The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!
Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.
The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
A man was flying in a hot air balloon when he became aware that he was lost. So he reduced height until he was able to call out to a man on the ground: "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don"t know where I am."
The man on the ground said: "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately twenty-five feet above this field. You are between latitude thirty-six and thirty-eight degrees north and between longitude forty and forty-five degrees east."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"Yes. How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man on the ground said: "And you must be a Republican,"
"That"s right," said the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Because you don"t know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise that you cannot keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is that you are in the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
The man on the ground said: "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately twenty-five feet above this field. You are between latitude thirty-six and thirty-eight degrees north and between longitude forty and forty-five degrees east."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"Yes. How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man on the ground said: "And you must be a Republican,"
"That"s right," said the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Because you don"t know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise that you cannot keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is that you are in the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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