Tuesday, September 30, 2008
window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ,'I need to get up and get a coke.''Don't get up,' said the Marine,'I'm in the aisle seat,'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...'Why does it have to be this way?''How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?'
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep doodoo.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
The new preacher set off early for the cemetery, but soon became lost. After a number of wrong turns, he finally arrived half an hour late. There was no sign of the hearse, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The preacher went over to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Do you think we should tell him that's a septic tank?"
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what m ade all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity
She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? 'WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Presently it was returned to him ... conspicuously and embarrassingly empty. Slowly and deliberately, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then raising his eyes to heaven, he exclaimed fervently, "I thank thee, dear Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
Sunday, September 21, 2008
"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "to be honest we've had a few arguments over names. I wanted to call the ranch the Bar-J; my wife favored the Suzy-Q; one son liked the Flying-W; and my other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So we"re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch."
"But where are all your cattle?" asked the friend.
"So far, none have survived the branding."
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?"
"Put it on strawberries."
"You ought to live in here; we get sugar and cream on them."
Eventually one man said pointedly: "Clearly someone"s deodorant isn"t working."
A guy in the corner called out: "Well, it can"t be me because I"m not wearing any."
"What sort?" asked the hairdresser.
"A Mercedes," replied the customer.
The hairdresser was quick to pour cold water on the purchase. "You shouldn"t have got a Mercedes," he sneered. "A Ferrari is much classier and with a more comfortable interior. No, you"d be better off with a Ferrari."
The following month the customer revealed that he had bought an executive house on a new development on the outskirts of town. "Oh, you don"t want to move there," said the hairdresser. "It"s in the middle of nowhere. There are no amenities nearby, and I"ve heard the land is liable to flooding. You see, they"ll be giving those houses away soon."
At his next appointment, the customer said that he was going on holiday to Rome.
"What do you want to go to Rome for?" asked the hairdresser. "There"s nothing much there. It"s all ruins. No, if you must go to Italy, go to Florence."
"As a matter of fact," said the customer, struggling to get a word in, "it"s always been my ambition to meet the Pope and, if possible, to get to speak to him."
"You speak to the Pope?" mocked the hairdresser. "You"ve got no chance. You won"t get anywhere near him. I"ll bet you two hundred dollars that the Pope doesn"t talk to you."
The customer was so fed up with the hairdresser"s attitude that he accepted the bet. A month later he returned for his next haircut and was asked how he had got on in Rome.
"Don"t forget our two hundred dollars bet," crowed the hairdresser. "You can pay by check."
"No, actually you owe me two hundred dollars," said the customer. "The Pope did speak to me."
"How did you manage that?" demanded the hairdresser indignantly.
"Well," said the customer, "I was wandering around St. Peter"s Square one morning hoping to catch a glimpse of the Pope when, to my surprise, I saw him walking towards me. And then amazingly he stopped beside me and began talking to me."
"What did he say?" asked the hairdresser.
"He said: "Where on earth did you get that terrible haircut?""
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said: 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
The hunter took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back in his pocket. The frog then cried out: 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do whatever you want.'
Again the hunter took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
Finally the frog demanded: 'What is your problem? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The hunter said: 'Look, I'm an avid hunter, and when I'm not hunting, I'm fishing. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!'
Thursday, September 18, 2008
"Let's make a deal," said the pilot. "If you and your wife can ride without making a single sound, I won't charge you anything. Otherwise you pay the twenty-five dollars."
"Good deal!" said the farmer.
So they went for a ride. When they got back the pilot said, "If I hadn't been there, I never would have believed it You never made a sound!"
"It wasn't easy, either," said the farmer. "I almost yelled when my wife fell out"
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. " 'No man can serve two masters.' "
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave. On the way back from the I cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly right. I'm going to confess. I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."
The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000."
The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount."
After some thought, she said: 'I will probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women. And since I'm active for my age, I'll go for roommates who are a little younger than me. What about you? What will you do if I die first?'
He replied: 'Probably the same.'
Needless to say his boss didn't believe him, so Norman offered to introduce him to one of his celebrity friends.
'Would you believe me if I took you to Arnold Schwarzenegger's house?' asked Norman.
'Maybe,' replied the boss.
So they drove off to Schwarzenegger's mansion, and Arnie came to the door to greet them. 'Hey, Norman, my friend, how are you doin'?'
They stayed for lunch and a chat and afterward Norman turned to his boss and said: 'Now are you convinced?'
'You just got lucky,' sneered the boss. 'Arnie's a friendly guy.'
'How about if I introduced you to Madonna? Then would you believe that I know everybody?'
So they traveled to London where Norman took his boss to Madonna's house.
'Norman, great to see you again!' said Madonna warmly. 'Who's your friend?'
'This is my boss,' said Norman.
'Come in, both of you. Any friend of Norman is a friend of mine!'
Two drinks later they left. 'Now do you believe me?' asked Norman.
'Not really,' said the boss churlishly. 'I bet you tipped her off in advance and paid her to pretend she knew you.'
Norman had one trump card still to play. 'How about if I showed you I was friends with the Pope?'
'Well,' conceded the boss, 'I have to say that would be pretty impressive. I guess if you could appear on the Vatican balcony with the Pope, I'd finally be convinced that you know everyone in the world worth knowing.'
So the pair traveled to Rome. The boss waited in St. Peter's Square while Norman went into the Vatican. A few minutes later, sure enough, Norman appeared on the Vatican balcony alongside the Pope.
After his public appearance, Norman rushed back down to the square to learn his boss's reaction, only to find that he had fainted.
'What happened?' asked Norman.
'I was fine,' said the boss groggily, 'until the man next to me said: "Who's that on the balcony with Norman?'"
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The old man looks at his son and asks...
"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"
The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"
The old man gets up and says "wait right here."
About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.
The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:
" Ok, here's how it works...
If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher."
The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.
The old man shouts...
"HOT DANG SON - HE'S A REPUBLICAN!"
A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.
McCain replied "These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Cindy, and I got one for Sarah."
The guard again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, Sir!"
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
"George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows.
It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.
And Abe replied..."Go to the theater!"
Broiled Missionary: $25.00
Fried Explorer: $35.00
Grilled Democrat $40.00
Baked Republican: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the Republican?"
The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"
First surgeon: "I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he does the work of five guys." Second surgeon: "That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!"
Third surgeon: "Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when George Bush went walking by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's putting this entire country out of work!"
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
"But madam, that seems a lot of money for just a thumb."
"Well, it isn't," she insisted. "It's the one I kept my husband under."
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The tourist walked over to him and asked, "What have you there?"
"This is a weather gauge, sonny."
"How can you possibly tell the weather with a piece of rope?" the tourist wanted to know.
"It's simple, sonny. When it swings back and forth it's windy. When it gets wet, it's raining." •
"George Bush," he answered.
"Could you be president?" was the next question he was asked.
"No." Nodding encouragingly, the questioner asked, "Why not?"
"I'm too busy right now," explained the immigrant gently.
"What is the matter, dear ?" he asked worriedly.
"Well George, you didn't kiss me when you left this morning," she said.
"Oh, darling," he said in wonderment. "Then who was it that I kissed?"
Principal: Do you ever do your homework?
Student: Oh, now and then.
Principal: Where do you do it?
Student: Oh, here and there.
Principal: Put him in that closet.
Student: Hey! When will I get out?
Principal: Oh, sooner or later.