Sunday, December 26, 2010

Valerie Jarrett: Obama 2012 Campaign Will Be Different From 2008 Political Operation (VIDEO)

In 2010, we thought we were voting for a Progressiv­e, We got Republican­-lite. Perhaps the Democrats are the lesser of two evils, but the lessor evil is still evil. I'm going Third Party. And before anyone says it, no, a vote in protest is not a wasted vote - it will let the politician­s know that they can't count on my vote just because they run as a Democrat.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Friday, December 24, 2010

Poll: More Than One In Three Americans Doubt Obama Believes In U.S. 'Exceptionalism'

I served over eight years in the USAF 30 years ago. I lived in Turkey and Germany. I've visited Canada and Syria. And the people who live in those countries love their country as much as I love mine. America does have its good points, if you can afford them, but it also has its bad.

Exceptiona­lism is just another word for Nationalis­m, an idolatrous notion that was a root cause of both World Wars and of many atrocities around the globe throughout history - "My country, right or wrong" is not good citizenshi­p, especially in a democratic republic.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Tea Party Nation's Judson Phillips Wants To See Methodist Church Disbanded

With the Christian Right it's always: Freedom for me but not for thee.

Interestin­g he called it the "Church of Karl Marx" - the Socialists (Social Democrats) were the only party to oppose Hitler's rise to power which is why Conservati­ves always attack Socialists first.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Monday, December 20, 2010


Shovels scrape
Under the bright night
Snow falls

40 Percent Of Americans Still Believe In Creationism

Of course, this also means that less than 40% of Americans fit the Fundamenta­list definition of a Christian - so, can we put the myth of America as a Christian Nation to bed once and for all?
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Friday, December 17, 2010

And So Begins The Comeback Narrative

After Bush 1, I swore to never vote for another Republican and I haven't. Now, after Obama's cave, I make the same oath to never vote for another Democrat. From now on, it's either write in someone, vote Green or other 3rd Party, or leave that space blank.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Friday, December 10, 2010

This Christmas

When fortunes seem reversed
And times seem their worst;
When little's under the tree;
And it seems you and me
Couldn't get any poorer,
Remember a night in a manger -
How Joseph and Mary didn't fuss?
This Christmas we still have us.
Conservatives rarely let truth stand in the way of a good talking point.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas Eve

Was Christmas Eve and all were awake
Perusing the want-ads for a job or two.
Under the tree were no gifts to shake.
Santa's not coming, he's long overdo.

It's hard to remember what Christmas means
When we've run out of food pantry beans.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bernie Sanders On Tax Cuts: GOP Wants To Grow National Debt, Then Slash Social Security

Go Bernie!!! Billionair­es don't need tax cuts, corporatio­ns are sitting on piles of (electroni­c) cash and not making any move to hire. The American poor & Middle Class have been asked to sacrifice treasure and lives for the good of our country, it's time the wealthy step up. We need tax revenue and we need to use it to pay down the deficit to improve the value of the Dollar and improve infrastruc­ture to improve our ability to compete for business.

The only tax cuts the wealthy need are tax cuts directly tied to job creation in America - no more tax cuts to invest in derivative­s and hedge funds; and no more tax breaks for job outsourcin­g.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Tax Cut Deal: Focus Group Shows Democratic Frustration, Not Revolt

I've written Obama off, but I'm still going to vote, not for a Republican­, the last Republican I voted for was Reagan, and I'm still repenting over that one. We need a viable Liberal party, the Democrats have moved Conservati­ve while the Republican­s have moved so far into Fascism they make Hitler look Progressiv­e.

So...I am either voting Green or writing in Bernie Sanders' name depending on how events play out between now and 2012.
About Bush Tax Cuts
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Bernie Sanders: 'I Will Do Whatever I Can' To Block Tax Cut Deal (VIDEO)

Bernie Sanders should be president.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Monday, December 6, 2010

Prosecution 'Stands Mute' At Texas Death Penalty Hearing

Seen studies in the past that 3-strikes laws may actually encourage violent crime rather than deter it as criminals would be more likely to want to eliminate potential witnesses.­..I imagine that would be even more likely to occur in death penalty states.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Glenn Beck: Ten Percent Of Muslims Are Terrorists (AUDIO)

Glenn Beck is Glenn Beck - to expect anything resembling facts from him would be like expecting a Nancy Drew novel to explain quantum mechanics.

In reality, there are over a billion Muslims, the percentage of them who have committed terrorist acts would be lower than the percentage of my chances of throwing a ball in Chicago and hitting a basketball hoop in DC.

And...acco­rding to the FBI, Muslims have committed only 6% of all terrorist acts in the United States.

That, of course, ignores the fact the Muslim terrorists (especiall­y involving suicide) are apostate Muslims, neither the Quran nor traditiona­l Islam support terrorism.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Thursday, December 2, 2010

An Example Of How Civil Political Discourse Threatens Modern Conservatism

By definition­, all new ideas are liberal. Conservati­sm is the status quo or a return to some mythical ideal time. Essentiall­y the definition of Conservati­ve and insanity are the same: constant repetition expecting different results.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

DADT Hearing VIDEO: Gates Warns GOP Senators They're Going Down A 'Dangerous Path'

Why do Republican­s think only straight people should die in America's wars?
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Web Delivery Firm Says Comcast Charging Unfair Fee For Data

I have noticed for some time that after watching a couple movies or tv episodes on Netflix via Comcast the movies/sho­ws begin to take forever to load with lots of stops & starts
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Monday, November 29, 2010

Senate Dems Plan Dramatic Tax Cut Vote, Followed By 'Grab Bag' Negotiations

If tax cuts created jobs, Bush wouldn't have turned in the worst job creation record since they started keeping record. Taxes, if properly used create and improve infrastruc­ture which attracts business which creates jobs which increases the tax base which creates and improves infrastruc­ture which...
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Friday, November 26, 2010

The Christian Right in Context, Part 3: Politics Over Persuasion

In the end, Fundamentalism is a reaction to fear (which makes it inherently unscriptural since Christians are not to have a "spirit of fear", 2Ti 1:7) in the face of a changing world. Especially fear in the face of uncertainty, "the Fundamentals" refer to a litmus test of things a person must believe in order to be a "real Christian" (unscriptural in itself since Christians aren't supposed to attempt to "separate the wheat from the chaff" themselves. Never mind that fundamentalism is the "new kid on the block", that for thousands of years, Christians didn't necessarily believe those things, and, according to scripture, likely part of the "great falling away."

Ultimately Conservative Christianity is rooted in racism, especially the Southern Baptists who split from other Baptists to promote slavery and a "tree never grows far from its roots.'
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving Poem

Times are bad, the economy is tough.
    Sometimes we wonder how we'll cope.
And just when we've decided enough is enough,
    The Republicans come along and dash all hope.

I guess I'm thankful to just go on living
When so many plates are empty this Thanksgiving.

This Thanksgiving

With millions of people in America hungry, unemployed, dying from lack of adequate health care, I am quietly thankful for the blessings God has given me while not wanting to celebrate too loudly in the face of such national misery.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Amazed at the diseases we have that didn't exist until drug companies invented a cure.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Ever notice no one ever calls when you have time on your hands it's always mid pee.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Eric Cantor Opposes Compromise On Extending Bush Tax Cuts, Says Government Shutdown Will Be Obama's Fault

The "no highway option" may have sounded good in The Pacifier, but coming from Republicans, it reinforces the idea that Republicans would gladly destroy America just to make sure the Black guy fails.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost
Auntie: "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like it."
Little Joan: "Well, you can't say you weren't warned, Auntie."
A medieval castle had been under siege for three months. Supplies of food and water were virtually exhausted, leaving the occupants in dire straits. Unless aid arrived soon, everyone would perish.

Realizing the gravity of the situation, one of the knights offered to break out of the castle and ride for help. Alas, all the horses had been killed so, in desperation, the knight suggested riding out on the back of a huge wolfhound.

'You can't,' said the keeper of the dogs, 'the wolfhound has injured its leg. The only dog available is this Chihuahua, and I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!'
Correcting Sunday school lessons one day, a teacher found that little Jimmy had written, "Harold be thy name," as well as "Give us this day our jelly bread."

God Punished Israel

Thus saith the LORD; For three transgressions of Israel, and for four, I will not turn away [the punishment] thereof; because they sold the righteous for silver, and the poor for a pair of shoes.  (Amos 2:6)
God punished Israel for their treatment of the poor.  How can the wealthiest nation in the history of the world expect to escape?

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Bush Tax Cuts For the Rich

I don't mind paying taxes, I happen to like roads, bridges, libraries, police, firemen, etc. I think things like food stamps and other assistance to the less fortune helps us have a soul as a nation.

So let the tax cuts expire, if they can afford to give a tax cut to those earning under $250,000 fine, but I'd rather pay more to get us out from under the thumb of foreign creditors.

What I do resent is spending 44% of our tax revenue on the military while our troops are given malfunctioning weapons and vehicles without body armor, and abandoned when they return home AND when most of our military might is used to defend "free trade" which only harms the Middle Class - let the corporations who benefit the most from our military pay the bill.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Republicans can never satisfy

Republicans can never satisfy
This greed that they've got -
With riches piled way up high,
They'll kill Naboth for his lot.

                         (1 Kings 21)
59% of voters expect Republicans to fail, they thought they were getting their house back.
Republicans keep claiming they have a mandate - haven't they ever heard of "Don't ask, don't tell?"
This Sunday, don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour and your calendars back a century.
Now that Boehner is the likely Speaker, he'll be too busy to pass out bribes on the House floor - maybe he'll use direct deposit.
There are WAY more Fox News viewers than MSNBC viewers. There are WAY more college dropouts than Rhodes Scholars.
Republicans are the relatives you have to invite for Thanksgiving Dinner, but you don't trust them around the booze or children.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Tides Foundation CEO To Fox News Advertisers: Drop Glenn Beck Or Have Blood On Your Hands

I recall Right-wing boycotts of Disney, etc. over gay rights and other Right-wing boycotts as well - so, yes, it does go both ways. For a while (80s if I recall correctly), Right-wing groups were calling for so many boycotts, they began to lose their effectiveness.

Calls for a boycott are, in themselves, free speech. I certainly have the right to do business with people and groups who share my views and refuse to do business with those who are working against my interests, and the right to encourage others to do the same. For example, as a Liberal Christian, I use the local Shepard's Guide as a personal boycott list.

No one is saying Beck can't say what he wants, but I have also put a parental block on Fox News so the crap doesn't even accidentally come into my house and avoid, when possible, spending money with companies who play the station on TVs in their waiting rooms and show rooms or with companies who advertise on Fox.
About Glenn Beck
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Tides Foundation CEO To Fox News Advertisers: Drop Glenn Beck Or Have Blood On Your Hands

I recall Right-wing boycotts of Disney, etc. over gay rights and other Right-wing boycotts as well - so, yes, it does go both ways. For a while (80s if I recall correctly), Right-wing groups were calling for so many boycotts, they began to lose their effectiveness.

Calls for a boycott are, in themselves, free speech. I certainly have the right to do business with people and groups who share my views and refuse to do business with those who are working against my interests, and the right to encourage others to do the same. For example, as a Liberal Christian, I use the local Shepard's Guide as a personal boycott list.

No one is saying Beck can't say what he wants, but I have also put a parental block on Fox News so the crap doesn't even accidentally come into my house and avoid, when possible, spending money with companies who play the station on TVs in their waiting rooms and show rooms or with companies who advertise on Fox.
About Glenn Beck
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Blond: Hey, What does 'IDK' mean?

Brunette: "I dont know."

Blonde: "OMG NOBODY knows!"
Just when I was getting all my ducks in a row, DUCK season opened.
The economy is really getting bad. The other day I saw an empty turtle shell with a foreclosed sign taped to the side.
How many libertarian economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None if market forces called for it, it would be done.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Right now political humor is easy to come up with, you just write down everything Republicans say.

Monday, September 20, 2010

We need a new Constitutional Amendment - we can't start a new war until we've paid for the last one.
Liberals want to feed the world - Conservatives want to rob it.
Fox is to news what a porn novel is to literature.
The Tea Party would have us believe they're not racist.  I checked and it's true: NASCAR season is over.
It's been reported that when Sarah Palin give a speech, she requires the venue to provide "bendy straws".  Now, if only her political views had the same  flexibility.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Christine O'Donnell dabbled in witchcraft and Sarah Palin has had witchcraft demons cast out of her by a South Africa preacher.  Maybe we should elect these two women to be President and Vice-President - We could leave Air Force One in the hanger and let them travel around the country on their brooms.
A tourist spent two miserable weeks in a Scottish hotel. Every day the weather was cold and damp. On his final day, he asked a small boy: 'Does the weather around here ever change?'

'Don't ask me,' said the boy. 'I'm only seven!'
Every day, people are straying away from the church and going back to God.—Lenny Bruce
Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

First surgeon: "I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he does the work of five guys."

Second surgeon: "That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!"

Third surgeon: "Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when George Bush went walking by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's put the entire country out of work!"

Friday, September 17, 2010

Bumper Stickers

Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if. . ."

I don't care what you love, what your other car is, who you brake for and what you'd rather be doing.

Illiterate? Write for help.

I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.

To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

They told me I was gullible . . . and I believed them.
The doctor told his patient: 'I want you to take one of these orange pills with a glass of water first thing in the morning; then I want you to take one of these yellow pills with a glass of water immediately after lunch; and I want you to take one of these green pills with a glass of water last thing at night.'

'What exactly is the matter with me?' asked the patient.

The doctor said: 'You're not drinking enough water.'

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The bridge between heaven and hell is in desperate need of repair, and St. Peter calls over to the devil, "It's your turn to fix it."

"Sorry," says the devil. "We are too busy fixing our heating system to worry about a little thing like a bridge."

"If you don't fix it," says St. Peter, "I'll have to sue you for breach of contract."

"Is that so?" says the devil. "And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
A man went to confession and told the priest that he had been having affairs with women from five neighboring villages.

'How could you do that?' asked the priest.

'It's easy,' said the man. 'I've got a bicycle.'
Husband: "Janice, when I see you in that hat, I laugh."
Wife: "Good! I'll put it on when the bill comes in."

Missing Link Discovered

Scientists have discovered the missing link between humans and ape-like creatures.  Little is known about the creatures because they tended to live in close knit communities isolated from the rest of the world and were fearful of education.  They appear to have resided mostly in the Southern United States, had white skin, and low intelligence quotients.  They've been given the Scientific Name "Camellia sinensis partie apaus" but have already been dubbed by the Common Name "Republicans."

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A humble office clerk called Norman boasted to his boss that he knew everyone in the world who was worth knowing. Celebrities, royalty, politicians: he claimed to be personal friends with each and every one.

Needless to say his boss didn't believe him, so Norman offered to introduce him to one of his celebrity friends.

'Would you believe me if I took you to Arnold Schwarzenegger's house?' asked Norman.

'Maybe,' replied the boss.

So they drove off to Schwarzenegger's mansion, and Arnie came to the door to greet them. 'Hey, Norman, my friend, how are you doin'?'

They stayed for lunch and a chat and afterward Norman turned to his boss and said: 'Now are you convinced?'

'You just got lucky,' sneered the boss. 'Arnie's a friendly guy.'

'How about if I introduced you to Madonna? Then would you believe that I know everybody?'


So they traveled to London where Norman took his boss to Madonna's house.

'Norman, great to see you again!' said Madonna warmly. 'Who's your friend?'

'This is my boss,' said Norman.

'Come in, both of you. Any friend of Norman is a friend of mine!'

Two drinks later they left. 'Now do you believe me?' asked Norman.

'Not really,' said the boss churlishly. 'I bet you tipped her off in advance and paid her to pretend she knew you.'

Norman had one trump card still to play. 'How about if I showed you I was friends with the Pope?'

'Well,' conceded the boss, 'I have to say that would be pretty impressive. I guess if you could appear on the Vatican balcony with the Pope, I'd finally be convinced that you know everyone in the world worth knowing.'

So the pair traveled to Rome. The boss waited in St. Peter's Square while Norman went into the Vatican. A few minutes later, sure enough, Norman appeared on the Vatican balcony alongside the Pope.

After his public appearance, Norman rushed back down to the square to learn his boss's reaction, only to find that he had fainted.

'What happened?' asked Norman.

'I was fine,' said the boss groggily, 'until the man next to me said: "Who's that on the balcony with Norman?'"
A regular theater goer was dismayed to find that he had a seat near the rear of the house for the performance of an eagerly awaited mystery thriller. With half an hour to go before curtain up, he summoned an usher and said: 'Could you possibly help me? I have been looking forward to this play for weeks, but I am not happy with my seat. You see, my eyesight and hearing are not what they were and, in order to be able to follow the intricate plot and work out the clues, I need a seat nearer the front of the house. If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip.'

The usher promised to do what he could and after twenty-five minutes of delicate negotiations, he was finally able to offer the man a seat right in the middle of the front row. The man took his seat, thanked the usher, and handed him a dollar by way of a tip.

The deflated usher took one look at the dollar and then whispered in the man's ear: 'The butler did it with the candlestick in the ballroom.'
Walking with a friend one day, a famous pianist passed a large fish shop where a fine catch of codfish, with mouths open and eyes staring, were arranged in a row. He suddenly stopped, looked at them, and clutching his friend by the arm, exclaimed :

"Heavens! That reminds me—! I should be playing at a concert!"
Three men were discussing the proper position and attitude for prayer. One said, "You should be on your knees with your head bowed in reverence to the Almighty."

The second man spoke up and said, "Remember that you were created in God's image. The position in which to pray is to stand up looking into the heavens into the face of God and talk to Him as a child to his father."

The third man spoke up and said, "I know nothing about those positions, but the finest praying I ever did was upside down in a Well.
She's so skinny, if she would ever get a run in her nylons, she would fall out.

Monday, September 13, 2010

An old man at a party bowed his head and wept quietly but profusely while a young lady sang the plaintive ballad, "My Old Kentucky Home," in a high soprano voice. The hostess tiptoed up to him and inquired sympathetically, "Pardon me, are you a Kentuckian?"

"No, madam," the tearful one replied, "I'm a musician."
A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"$12 for the rat,$100 for the story," said the owner.

The tourist gave the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to run toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."
One day Johnny's father brought his boss home for dinner. When Johnny's mother served the meat, the little boy asked, "Is this mutton?"

His mother replied, "No. Why do you ask?"

"Because Dad said -he was going to bring home a mutton-head for dinner," Johnny answered.
Joe Garagiola writes:

While I was playing with the Pirates, I gave a speech to the Pittsburgh Junior Chamber of Commerce. Trying to make the best of a terrible season, I said, "We may not be high in the standings, and we don't win many ballgames, but you've got to admit we play some interesting baseball."

A voice from the back of the room yelled, "Why don't you play some dull games and win a few?"
Although scheduled for all-night duty at the station, a police officer was relieved of duty early and arrived home at 2am - four hours earlier than expected. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and began to climb into bed.

But just as he pulled back the covers, his wife sat up sleepily and said: 'John, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and fetch me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.'

'Certainly, honey,' he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked to the drug store.

As he entered, the pharmacist looked up in surprise. 'Hey,' said the druggist, 'aren't you Officer Jones of the 8th District?'

'Yes, I am,' said the officer.

'Then why are you wearing the fire chief's uniform?'

Saturday, September 11, 2010

"This tonic will grow hair on a billiard ball."
"Who wants hair on a billiard ball?
You tell 'em, mountain ... I'm only a bluff!
Paul: "My brother can play the piano by ear."
Saul: "That's nothing. My grampaw fiddles with his whiskers."
Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up, Johnny?
Johnny: I want to follow in my father's footsteps and be a policeman.
Teacher: I didn't know your father was a policeman.
Johnny: He isn't. He's a burglar!
The minister selected a fifty-cent item at a convenience store but discovered he didn't have any money with him. "I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the owner, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons."

"Perhaps," suggested the owner, "I could come twice."

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Nephew: My uncle has a wooden leg and it hurts him alot.
Friend: How can a wooden leg hurt?
Nephew: His wife hit him on the head with it.
A basketball player and a jockey just robbed a bank. Police are looking high and low.
There are so many twelve-steps today. For example, you have AA, or Alcoholics Anonymous. Then there's ACA—Adult Children of Alcoholics. These are not inclusive enough. Here is a recovery program that covers all the bases:


Or, Adult Bad Children of Dysfunctional Evil Families Getting Hooked Into Just Keeping Little Mean Nasty Old People Quiet, Requiring Specialized Treatment Using Valium With eX-treme unYielding Zeal.
Donnie : "Isn't nature wonderful?"
Connie: "Why do you say that?"
Donnie: "Well, thousands of years ago she didn't know man was going to invent glasses, yet look how conveniently she placed his ears!"
The chaplain was passing through the prison garment factory. "Sewing?" he said to a prisoner who was at work.
"No, chaplain," replied the prisoner gloomily; "reaping!"
The chaplain was passing through the prison garment factory. "Sewing?" he said to a prisoner who was at work.
"No, chaplain," replied the prisoner gloomily; "reaping!"
The chaplain was passing through the prison garment factory. "Sewing?" he said to a prisoner who was at work.
"No, chaplain," replied the prisoner gloomily; "reaping!"

Monday, September 6, 2010

If you want bright eyed and bushy tailed, I suggest you find a pet squirrel.
Moisha Rabinovoff began his musical education almost before he could talk. For over twenty years he studied in practically every conservatory in the world. After that he played in concerts in every big European capital—London, Vienna, Rome, Paris. Finally he came to New York to play under Leopold Stokowski. On the first day when he was playing with Stokowski, the great conductor noticed he had a grouchy look on his face.

"Hah!" he thought. "This guy is a sourpuss."

"Why have you got that sour look on your face?" Stokowski demanded. "Don't you like me?" he continued.

"It's not that," answered Rabinovoff.

"Maybe you don't like the other musicians?"

"No, it isn't that."

"Well, maybe you don't like the piece we're playing?"

"No, it's not that."

"Maybe you don't like Carnegie Hall?"

"That isn't it."

"Well, there must be something wrong. What is it?"

"I just don't like music!" exploded Rabinovoff.
Due to poor annual profits, the management at an English crisp factory decided to introduce new working practices. Part of the manufacturing process involved the transportation of the crisps around the factory in purpose-made metal bins. Ever since anyone could remember, the materials for the bins had been supplied by a local sheet metal manufacturer, with final construction of the bins carried out by the workers within the factory. With their neatly soldered seams, the hand crafted bins were true works of art. Now as a cost cutting measure, management made the decision to replace the expensive hand crafted metal bins with cheaper, ready-made plastic bins. Not only would material costs be reduced but also staff levels within the factory could be cut.

This proposal angered the workers within the factory. A vote was taken and strike action unanimously agreed. As part of the action and in a bid to dram up national support, a local rally was organized, with a march taking place from the factory to the rally. To lift the workers' spirits as they marched with their banners, they sang: 'Onward crisp bin solderers . . .'
In the National Forests of Alaska, a tourist guide was addressing a group of vacationers about the dangers of hiking in grizzly bear territory. He warned: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in the hope of viewing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be disastrous. To avoid this, we suggest that hikers should wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. Finally, exercise added caution when you spot signs of bears in the area, particularly when you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked: "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Easy," explained the guide. "They're the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"
Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a child trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it.

The man calls out, "Let me get that for you." He bounds onto the porch and rings the bell.

"Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run."

Trailing Palin

Every time Sarah Palin
Endorses a candidate,
He ends up trailing
Everyone else on the slate.
When Republicans get together, America gets screwed.
In this economy, we've quit trying to keep up with the Joneses, the bank foreclosed on their house.
Ever notice that the less people know, the more they tend to talk?
Not sure what it says about our favorite cause when we print it on a sticker and paste it on our car's ass.

Sunday, September 5, 2010


In opening the heart,
Solitude plays it part
But laughter begins and ends
In the company of friends.

Similarities Between Teenagers and Cats:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call their name.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the sofa for hours on end without moving.

Just as you rarely see a cat out walking with a human being, no teenager ever wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating a sense of complete and utter boredom.

No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

No matter what you do for a cat or a teenager, it is never enough. You are just there to feed them.

No matter how well you tell a joke, no cat or teenager will ever crack a smile.

Cats and teenagers wreck furniture.

Given the chance, cats and teenagers like to wander off at night in search of action.

Cats have nine lives; teenagers carry on as if they did.
A woman  came  bursting into  her lawyer's office  and declared, "I want a divorce."

"But why?" asked the startled lawyer. "Do you have grounds?"

"Sure do! A house in Paramus and a cabin in the Poconos."

"No, what I mean is, do you have some kind of grudge?"

"Not exactly, but there's a carport in front of the house," she replied.

"That's not what I mean," said the lawyer, exasperated.  "Your husband, does he beat you up or something?"

"Oh, no, I'm the first one up every morning."

"Madam!" yelled the lawyer. "Can you just tell me why you want a divorce?"

"Yes! It's because I just can't carry on a decent conversation with the man!"
When is it easy to read in the woods?
When autumn turns the leaves.
Fred : "You say your son plays the piano like Chopin?"
Ted : "Yes. He uses both hands."
Got a flat tire... pulled over to change it. Stupid guy says, "Did your tire go flat?"

I said " No, I was driving along and the other three just swelled up!"


If my love should die before I do
I'd hope it'd be in winter, then
I would sit the whole night through
And quickly join her once again.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

13 Books Nobody's Read But Says They Have (PHOTOS)

Interesting, I think I've only read three of these: Swann's Way, War & Peace (after several false starts), and Satanic Verses, but thanks for the reading list.

But I would agree with the person who mentioned the Bible. My wife and I try to read it at least once a year, but I am constantly amazed at how even many of the most die-hard Christians have never read it cover-to-cover.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

13 Books Nobody's Read But Says They Have (PHOTOS)

Interesting, I think I've only read three of these: Swann's Way, War & Peace (after several false starts), and Satanic Verses, but thanks for the reading list.

But I would agree with the person who mentioned the Bible. My wife and I try to read it at least once a year, but I am constantly amazed at how even many of the most die-hard Christians have never read it cover-to-cover.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Friday, September 3, 2010

Video: Funny Gay Protest Signs

While I am a white, happily married, straight white male, I know a lot of people who were born gay.  The way I figure it, if gay people want to get married and can do a better job at staying married than straight couples, maybe they will end up saving marriage, they sure can't do any more harm to the institution  Anyway, here's a funny little video:

Two old men - one a retired history professor, the other a retired professor of psychology - had been persuaded by their wives to take a holiday in Portugal. As they sat around on the hotel balcony watching the sunset, the history professor said to the psychology professor: 'Have you read Marx?'

To which the professor of psychology replied: 'Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs.'
Three men were reflecting upon their fortunes while enjoying a relaxing day's fishing off the coast.

The first said: 'My house burnt down. I lost everything, but the insurance company paid up and that's why I'm here.'

The second said: 'My house burnt down too. I lost everything, but the insurance company paid up and that's why I'm here.'

The third guy said: 'My house was destroyed by an earthquake. I lost everything, but the insurance company paid up and that's why I'm here.'

The first two guys turned to him and said: 'Earthquake? How the hell do you start an earthquake?'
A criminal with a long record of transgressions was on trial for his latest crime. The jury found him guilty on thirty-three counts and the judge sentenced him to 189 years. Realizing that even with time off for good behavior he would be over one hundred when he was released, the prisoner burst into tears. Noting this display of remorse, the judge reconsidered. He said, "I didn't mean to be so severe. Thinking it over, I can see that I've imposed an extremely harsh sentence. So you don't have to serve the whole time." The prisoner beamed with new found hope, until the judge leaned toward him and said, 'Just do as much as you can."
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his glass eye and rushed to a stomach specialist? The specialist   peered   down   the   unfortunate   fellow's throat and exclaimed, "I've looked into a lot of stomachs in my day, but I must say, this is the first one that ever looked back at me."
After being sentenced to five years in prison, Pete knew that the time would give him the opportunity to reflect upon his past mistakes. So he set out to be a model prisoner and soon impressed the prison staff who could see that he was basically a decent guy. He had simply taken one wrong turning in life. The governor encouraged him to learn a trade so that he could lead a fruitful life on his eventual release. Pete took up carpentry and became so adept that he was often given a weekend pass to odd jobs for local pensioners. Without fail, he reported back to prison on the Sunday evening.
The governor was thinking of rebuilding his own kitchen and had already done a lot of the work. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and the breakfast counter that he had promised his wife. So he called Pete into his office and asked him whether he could complete the job.

Pete had to decline the offer. He explained: 'I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.'

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


•     A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
•     Dinner Special—Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
•     Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
•     We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
•     No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
•     Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
•     Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
•     Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
•     Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
•     Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in twenty-four hours.
•     Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
•     Stock up and save. Limit: one.
•     Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
•     We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires Dec. 31 or while supplies last.
•     This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
•     Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
•     Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
•     Semi-Annual After-Christmas Sale.
•     And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
•    We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
•    For sale at reduced prices—shirts for men with minor flaws.
•    A coupon for a Wooster, Ohio car wash: "Absolutely nothing touches your car except soup and water."
•    An ad for Morrison's Family Dining in the Miami Herald: "Home Baked Pies & Breads to Go. Entire Menu Made from Scotch Daily."
•    An ad in a Hong Kong newspaper: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A Sunday school teacher asked a little girl if she said her prayers every night.

"No, not every night," declared the child. " 'Cause some nights I don't want anything!"

Famous people give their answers to the question: why did the chicken cross the road?

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your point of reference.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.

Rene Descartes: Since the chicken does not really exist, it was only an illusion that the chicken crossed the road. This illusion was only in my mind. Therefore I created the chicken that crossed the road.

Charles Darwin: Over great periods of time, chickens have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Martin Luther King: I envisage a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

George W. Bush: The chicken was misinformated as to what attractivation was on the other side.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Several buzzards had been circling all day looking for a dead animal carcass to eat. As night approached, one wearily suggested to the others, "Let's just kill some small animal and eat it. If we don't, we'll all die of starvation."

Buzzard's don't do that," said a second.

"Says who?"

"I read it in Wikipedia."
His marriage becoming increasingly strained, a man decided that he wanted a pet as a companion he could relate to. So he went along to the pet shop in search of a new friend and there spotted a parrot with no legs or feet sitting on a perch.

'Goodness me!' said the man to the shop owner. 'What on earth happened to that parrot?'

'I was born this way,' squawked the parrot.

The man laughed to die owner. 'It was almost if the parrot understood me!'

'I did,' said the parrot. 'I understood every word. I'll have you know I'm a highly intelligent bird. I can speak three languages and can conduct a stimulating conversation on a whole range of subjects from nuclear physics to football. I would make a great companion.'

The man was impressed by the parrot's skills but one thing puzzled him. 'How do you hang on to your perch without any feet?'

'What I do,' replied the parrot quietly, 'is wrap my little parrot penis around the perch, rather like a hook. Nobody can see it because of my feathers.'

'How ingenious!' said the man. 'You're definitely the pet for me. How much are you?'

'The price tag says two hundred dollars,' replied the parrot.

'Two hundred dollars! I can't afford that!'

'Pssst,' hissed die parrot, beckoning the guy closer with one wing. 'Because I haven't got any feet nobody wants to buy me, so you can get me for much less. I bet the shop owner would be willing to sell for fifteen.'

So the man offered fifteen dollars and walked out with the parrot.

Over the ensuing weeks, the parrot proved the ideal companion. He was witty, interesting, understanding and dished out excellent advice. The man was delighted with him. Then one day the man arrived home from work to find the parrot waiting eagerly for him.

'Here,' said the parrot, motioning him over to the cage. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the window-cleaner.'

'What?' said the man.

'Well,' said the parrot, 'when he called round today, your wife greeted him at the door in a skimpy nightdress and kissed him on the mouth.'

'What happened then?' asked the man.

"The window-cleaner came into the house and lifted up her nightdress and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'Oh no!' exclaimed the man. "Then what?'

'Then he lifted up the nightdress, got down on his knees and began fondling her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going lower and lower

The parrot paused.

'What happened? What happened?' asked the man frantically.

'I don't know,' said the parrot. 'At that point I fell off my perch.'

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Member: "How are you feeling, pastor?"

Pastor: "Better."

Member: "We had a committee meeting the other night and they voted to send you this get-well card. The motion passed 4 to 3!"
President Lyndon Johnson insisted that Lawrence F. O'Brien take his oath of office as Postmaster General in a little post office in Hye, Texas. At the ceremony, Johnson recalled mailing his first letter at that very post office when he was four. "It was about fifty-three years ago," said LBJ. "And Larry O'Brien told me a few moments ago that he is going out to find that letter and deliver it."
A boy promised his girlfriend: 'We're going to have a great time Saturday. I got three tickets for the big game.'

'Why do we need three?' she asked.

'One for your father, one for your mother, and one for your kid sister!'
A man dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly gates. Behind St. Peter, is a wall of clocks. The man asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks".

St Peter answers, " Everyone has one. The hands move when someone lies".

The man asks about George Washington. St Peter says."The hands have never moved".

The man: What about Abe Lincoln?

St Peter: Only moved twice.

The man: Where is Glenn Beck's clock?

St. Peter: It's in Jesus' office. He's using it for a fan!
A man hated his wife's cat so much that he decided to get rid of it by driving it twenty blocks from home and dumping it. But as he got back home, he saw the cat wandering up the driveway. So he drove the cat forty blocks away and dumped it. But when he arrived back home, there was the cat waiting for him at the front door. In desperation, he drove the cat fifty miles out into the country and dumped it in the middle of a wood.

Four hours later his wife got a phone call at home. 'Darling,' said her husband. 'Is the cat there?'

'Yes,' said the wife. 'Why?'

'Just put him on the line will you? I need directions.'

Monday, August 30, 2010

Prince Charles arrived in Iran on a state visit and asked the President: 'Where's the Shah?'

The President looked puzzled. 'What do you mean? There is no Shah. We got rid of the Shah years ago.'

'Very well,' said Prince Charles. 'In that case I'll take a bath.'
Father: "Can you support her in the way she's been accustomed to?"

Prospective son-in-law: "No, perhaps I cannot support her in the manner she has been accustomed to, but I can support her in the way her mother was accustomed to when she was first married."
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Diamond asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "I'd say, 'Here's an orange.'"

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student pondered for a moment, then said, "OK, I'd tell him, I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze, and otherwise eat the same, or give the same away with or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.'"

The professor beamed.

Simple Politics:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

  • I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
  • Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
  • We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
  • The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
  • And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
  • Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep doodoo.
An elderly couple died in a car crash. They had been in excellent health for years through exercizing regularly and also because the wife was obsessed with health foods, keeping a strict watch on both then-diets. So when St. Peter welcomed them to heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-rate relaxation facilities. The husband was particularly impressed by the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.

"This really is a fantastic place you've got,' he told St. Peter.

'And there's more,' said St. Peter. 'Let me show you the restaurant.'

As they observed the sumptuous buffet serving every food imaginable, the husband asked; 'Where's the low fat table?'

'Oh, you don't have to worry about things like that,' said St. Peter. 'You can eat whatever you want, no matter how fatty it is, and it's all free. After all, this is heaven!'

With that, the husband threw his hat to the ground in a fit of temper.

'What's the matter?' asked St. Peter.

Turning to his wife, the husband snapped: 'This is all your fault, Mildred. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!'

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Fred, the local barber, is the most negative person in our town. John, the president of the Rotary Club, was sitting in his chair one day, extremely excited. "Guess what, Fred," he said.

Fred muttered, "What?"

"My wife and I are going to Italy for a month."

"I've heard all about Italy," Fred replied. "The people are rude. The food is terrible. The countryside is ugly."

John paid no attention and continued, "And I'm going to spend a week in Rome."

"Big deal," said Fred. "Bunch of broken down old buildings."

Undeterred, John went on. "And I'm going to visit the Vatican. I'm even going to have an audience with the Pope."

"Oh, yeah," said Fred, "I know about those so-called papal audiences. You'll be packed into the square with a million other dopes and the Pope will wave from the balcony. Big deal."

A month went by and John was once again in the barber chair. "So how was your trip to Italy?" asked Fred. "As bad as I thought it would be, right?"

"Not at all," John responded. "The people were warm and friendly. The food was wonderful. The countryside was gorgeous."
"But Rome is a dump. Am I right?" the barber persisted.

"No,"John answered, "Rome was delightful. We could have stayed a year and not run out of fascinating places to see."
"And how about your visit with the Pope?" asked the barber, expecting his prediction to be fulfilled.
John answered, "Well, I have to admit, you were half-right about that. The Pope was up there on the balcony and I was back in the crowd with thousands of people, but two uniformed Swiss guards came over and told me the Pope wanted to talk to me. They escorted me right up onto the balcony with him."

"What did he tell you?" asked the barber.

"He didn't tell me anything. In fact, he had a question for me."

"Well, what did he ask?" asked the incredulous barber.

John took a minute to allow the suspense to mount. "The Pope said to me, 'Tell me, my son, where did you get that terrible haircut?'"
Mike: "Don't you ever take a vacation?"
John: "I can't get away."
Mike: "Why? Can't the firm do without you?"
John: "And how! That's what I don't want them to find out."
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
A motorist speeding along a highway at eighty miles an hour was stopped by a policeman. "Was I driving too fast?" asked the motorist apologetically.
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "You were flying too low."
A motorist speeding along a highway at eighty miles an hour was stopped by a policeman. "Was I driving too fast?" asked the motorist apologetically.
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "You were flying too low."
One day, the two deputies in the sheriff's office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the naked bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. Both had been shot dead. When the deputies went into the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

'No doubt about it,' said one deputy to the other. 'This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home, found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.'

'You're right,' agreed the other deputy. 'Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he'll say "It could have been worse," just like he always does.'

'No way!' said the first deputy. 'How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't possibly be any worse.'

'I'm just telling you what he'll say, that's all.'

'No, not this time, so yeah, I'll take up your bet. Ten dollars?'

'You're on.'

Just then, the old sheriff arrived on the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two naked bodies on the bed. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. 'No doubt about it,' said the sheriff, shaking his head. 'It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home, found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.' After pausing for a moment, the sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes and said solemnly: 'But you know, it could have been worse.'

The deputy who had lost his bet jumped up and shouted indignantly: 'Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!'

'Yes, it could,' the sheriff retorted. 'You see that guy on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there on that bed!'
Advice to mothers: Unless you deliberately set aside a little time for regular relaxation, you will not be able to efficiently care for your family. Therefore, plan to relax a minimum of an hour and a half every fifteen years.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

"In our family," a little girl told her teacher, "everybody marries relatives. My father married my mother, my uncle married my aunt, and the other day I found that my grandmother married my grandfather."
I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be.
Before signing his name and title to important papers, a respected personnel manager always checked something in his desk drawer. When he retired, employees found in the drawer a scrap of paper that said: "2 Ns—1 L."

You Might Be a Teabagger If...

Your back porch is bigger than your house.

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

You've ever hitchhiked naked.

You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.

The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You list your parole officer as a reference.

There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".

You have to duct tape your gloves on.

You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.

Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

Your best coat is a black and red checkered.

You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.

You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.

You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.

You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.

You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.

You've ever been given a gun as a present.

Flannel is your favorite color.

You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.

Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.

You have got more bumper stickers than children.

Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.

You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.

You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.

Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.

Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.

You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken. 56.There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.

Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.

One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.

The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.

You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.

You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.

You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.

You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.

You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.

Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.

Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.

You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.

You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.

You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.

The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.

Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.

You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.

You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.

When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".

You own more than two clappers.

You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.

You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.

Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade.

You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.

You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.

You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.

Your pickup truck no longer has a back.

The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.

The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."

Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair.

Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.

Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.

Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.

City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.

You think Tang is in the fruit group.

You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.
The ultimate reason is "because."
An old man was running a fairground tent, which proclaimed: 'For fifty dollars I'll teach you to be a mind reader.'

Intrigued by the offer, a teenager entered the tent to try his luck.

'Okay,' said the old guy, handing him a garden hose, 'I want you to hold this hose and look in the end.'

'What for?' asked the teenager.

'It's all part of teaching you to become a mind reader.'

So the teenager, somewhat reluctantly, looked in the end of the hose and saw nothing - just darkness. Then suddenly the old man turned on the tap and water came gushing out all over the young man's face.

'I knew you were going to do something like that!' yelled the drenched teenager.

The old man said: 'Then that'll be fifty dollars.'

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The First Time

The first time we made love
   I remember thinking, "Wow!"
And you didn't even know me
   As well as you do now.
Tourist: "Shame on you! A big man like you catching poor little helpless fish!"
Fisherman : "Well, if this fish had kept his mouth shut, he wouldn't be on the end of this hook."
Tourist: "Shame on you! A big man like you catching poor little helpless fish!"
Fisherman : "Well, if this fish had kept his mouth shut, he wouldn't be on the end of this hook."
He was so thin he had to wear skis in the bathtub to keep from going down the drain.
Teacher: Where's the English Channel?

Johnny: I don't know. My television doesn't pick it up!
Q: What did the Teabagger do when he went to a film that had an NC17 (no under 17's) rating?
A: Went home and got 16 friends.
A very rich man, was shaken by the doctor's diagnosis. The physician said that unless Victor had a heart transplant, he had only weeks, perhaps days, to live. Fortunately, advised the doctor, there were several hearts available, although each was quite expensive.

"How much?" Victor asked.

"Well, I've got one heart of an individual who was thirty-five years old," said the surgeon. "He exercised moderately and never ate fatty foods. It's in pretty good shape and goes for only one hundred thousand dollars."

"What else do you have?" Victor asked, "Anything better?"

"There is the heart of a twenty-year-old Olympic decathlon winner. He never smoked or drank. He was in perfect physical condition. That one will cost $250,000."

"Look Doc, this is my life," said the patient. "What's the best you got?"

"Well there is one heart, very rare but the very best. It belonged to a sixty-five-year-old man. He drank and smoked to excess, he was thirty pounds overweight and he never exercised. His cholesterol count was over three hundred. This heart goes for one million dollars."

"Why is it so expensive?" asked the patient.

"It's the heart of an Republican," explained the surgeon. "It's never been used."

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Teacher: Does anyone know which month has twenty-eight days?
Johnny: All of them.
A story is told about an engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian who were hunting in the wilds of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped, and a snow storm descended, lashing them with its fury. As they trudged on, they came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. Because friendly hospitality is a virtue practiced by those who live in the wilderness, the hunters knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but, discovering the cabin was unlocked, they entered. It was a simple place—two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was surprising about the cabin except the stove. Not the stove itself—it was large, potbellied, and made of cast iron. What was unusual was its location: it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist, stroking his beard. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated his stove so he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer as he scratched some calculations in the dust on the cabin floor. "The man is familiar with the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, folding his hands in a gesture of piety, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire 'lifted up' has been a religious symbol for centuries."
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.

When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove by wires from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct: "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe!"
She is so thin it takes two of her to make a shadow.
She is so thin it takes two of her to make a shadow.
Q: What does a blond Owl say?
A: What, what?
Did you hear about the man who went behind the barn the night before Christmas, fired a shot, and then told his two children Santa Claus had committed suicide?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Americans are our own worst enemy: every time we achieve prosperity we elect a Republican and have to start all over again.
Explaining away failure
Yet more lies

Republican Obstructionism

In exchange for a check,
Or other corporate bone,
They joined Glenn Beck
In becoming a millstone
Around America's neck.
A child was watching his mother sift through and delete a long list of junk e-mail on the computer screen.
'This reminds me of the Lord's Prayer,' said the child.
'What do you mean?' asked the mother.
'You know. That part about "deliver us from e-mail.'"
My grandsons were thinking of going to the movies to see a cowboy picture, but one objected to it because he'd heard it had too many kissing scenes. His younger brother said, "That's okay. When the kissing starts, we can close our eyes and pretend he's choking her."
Conservatives approach the Constitution the same way they approach the Bible - like lawyers looking for loopholes.
She's so skinny that she recently swallowed an olive and was rushed to a maternity hospital.
Why is tennis such a noisy game?
Because each player raises a racket.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

A man walked into a hotel. "I'd like a room for tonight," he told the clerk.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we have no vacant rooms," the clerk answered.
"Not even one room?" the man asked.
"No, sir, we're full tonight," said the clerk.
The man thought for a moment. "Please tell me, if the President of the United States came in and asked for a room, would you give him one?"
"If the President of the United States asked for a room, I would find one for him!" the clerk replied.
"Well, the President is not coming here tonight. So give me the room you'd give him!"
A woman began a job as a junior school counselor and was eager to help with the children's welfare. One day she noticed a small boy standing by himself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the children were at the other end enjoying a game of soccer.

So she decided to approach him and ask him if he was all right. He said that he was, but ten minutes later she saw that he was still in the same spot and still by himself.

'Would you like me to be your friend?' she asked gently.

'If you want,' said the boy.

'So, tell me, why are you all on your own? Why don't you join in with the others?'

'Because,' he sighed, 'I'm the goalie!'
My uncle is a cannibal. He's been living on us for twenty years!
He's so thin his muscles look like flea bites on a piece of spaghetti.
Teacher: Who invented fractions?
Johnny: Henry the Eighth.

Is Obama a Muslim? Examine the Evidence!

Not that it would matter if he was - we aren't supposed to have a religious test for public office (remember that pesky Constitution Republican love to talk about and then ignore):

The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the Members of the several State Legislatures, and all executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States. - Article VI, section 3.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

You Might Be a Teabagger if....

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.

You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection

Your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

On stag night, you take a real deer.
The 1st step to recovery is admitting you are a Republican, that you are powerless over your ignorance, & need help.
Another name for the GOP's political philosophy is Fiscal Darwinism (survival of the richest).

Friday, August 20, 2010

A traveler's eye was caught by the sign in front of a small diner: "We have everything. Just ask." He entered and took a seat at the counter. When the owner appeared, the cynical traveler asked if it was true that they had everything. 'Just ask," replied the owner.

"What if you don't have what I want?" the traveler persisted.

"Then I'll give you my new pickup truck," said the owner.

"OK," said the traveler, "I'll have buffalo head stuffed with pheasant eggs served in octopus gravy."

The owner turned around and shouted to the cook, "One number seventeen!"
If you listen to a audio book of the Constitution played backwards, you get Republican talking points.
To a Republican, an "intellectual elitist" is someone who can read.
Anything you can put in a nutshell probably belongs there.
When people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Buzzing Bees

Bees buzzing over my flowers
As a butterfly waits patiently
For what must seem like hours
To music played discordantly.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with the warning: "Don't try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked a member of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for twenty-two years," he explained. "She made up to ten trips between the fridge, the stove, the toaster and the table, almost always carrying just a single item at a time. One day I told her: 'You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"'

"And did it save time?" asked the man in the audience,

"Yes it did," replied the expert. "It used to take her twenty minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
Doctor: "What do you dream about at night?"
Dopey: "Baseball."
Doctor: "Don't you dream about anything else?"
Dopey : "No, just about baseball, night after night."
Doctor (puzzled): "Don't you ever dream about food?"
Dopey: "What? And miss my turn at bat?"


•     you take real interest in hospital admissions listed in the paper, to keep track of your friends.
•     you go to visit a friend in the hospital, and the emergency room staff comes toward you with a wheelchair.
•     while trying to figure out your last hospital bill, you have to take additional medication for your blood pressure.
•     that last visit to the specialist cost you more than you earned in the first four years at work.
•     you receive six pieces of mail in the same day, and five of them are from retirement villages, asking you to come and visit them.
•     taking out a three-year subscription to a magazine is an act of positive thinking and real optimism.
•     you decide to put off one more day what you had decided to put off one more day yesterday.
•     you get excited simply watching the Weather Channel on television.
•     you go to the mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination.
•     you look forward to the next sale on support hose.
•     licking stamps for your letters is a hard day's work.
•     the doctor tells you that you are as sound as a dollar, and you get very upset.
•     your idea of a wild drinking party is a king-size Coca Cola.
•     you notice that your high school classmate looks older than sin.
•     you can remember when going to a movie didn't cost you as much as the initial down-payment on a refrigerator.
•     you can recall when service stations actually were.
•     you call the ambulance dispatcher and he tells you your address.
•     you begin to lose hope of ever finishing your Green Stamp book.
•     you can remember when it wasn't necessary to call the bank before the plumber.
•     you don't think "getting older" jokes are funny.
A golf fanatic met the Pope on a trip to Rome. 'Your Holiness,' he said, 'I'm crazy about golf. I play every day of the year. But tell me, is there a golf course in heaven?'

'I'm not sure,' said the Pope. 'I'll have to ask God.'

A few days later, the man bumped into the Pope again and asked:

'Any news from God about the golf course in heaven?'

'Yes,' replied the Pope. 'Apparently there is a beautiful course in heaven with velvet-smooth greens and lush fairways. The bad news is, you have a tee time for tomorrow morning.'
First Cannibal: "We've just captured a movie star."
Second Cannibal: "Great! I was hoping for a good ham sandwich."

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Seasons of Discontent

In summer, I love winter.
In winter, I love summer.
I guess you could infer -
Weather's a major bummer.
Every time a Republican opens his mouth, a Constitutional Amendment runs for cover.
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $50.00."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them that the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200.00."
Teacher: Give me a sentence using the word "fascinate."
Sandy: I have nine buttons but I can only fasten eight.
The parson of a tiny congregation in Arkansas disappeared one night with the entire church treasury, and the local constable set out to capture him. This he did, dragging the culprit back by the collar a week later. "Here's the varmint, folks," announced the constable grimly. "I'm sorry to say he's already squandered our money, but I drug him back so we can make him preach it out."
A man was driving down the road when his car broke down near a monastery. He went to the monastery, knocked on the door and said: 'My car has broken down. Could I possibly stay the night?'

The monks graciously accepted him, fed him dinner, and even fixed his car. But as the man was drifting off to sleep, he heard a strange sound. The next morning he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said: 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk.'

The man was mystified but thanked them anyway and went on his way.

Some years later the same man broke down again in front of the same monastery. Once more, the monks fed him, fixed his car and allowed him to stay the night. Just as he was falling asleep, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning he asked what it was, but the monks replied: 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk.'

The man was so frustrated that he said: 'Look, I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that noise was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?'

The monks said: 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.'

The man set about this daunting task. For the next fifty years he traveled the length and breadth of the globe, counting blades of grass and grains of sand until his work was finally complete. Armed with this information, he returned to the monastery and announced: 'I have traveled the earth and have found what you asked for. There are 347,498,675,212,031 blades of grass and 664,981,732,434,109,597,436,501 grains of sand on this earth.'

The monks replied: 'Congratulations. You are a monk. We will now show you the way to the sound.'

The monks led him to a large wooden door and told him: "The sound is right behind that door.'

They gave him the key to the door and he opened it. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The monks gave him the key and he opened it, only to find another door made of silver. He demanded the key to that door from the monks and was given it. As he opened the door, it revealed yet another door, this time made of copper. He asked for the key to the copper door, certain that this would reveal the answer to the secret that had troubled him for over half a century, but behind it he merely found another door, this time made of iron. On and on he went - through doors made of emerald, ruby and gold - until finally the monks said: 'This is the key to the last door.'

The man was hugely relieved. He unlocked the door, turned the knob, and behind that door he was amazed to discover the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.
Summertime is when parents pack off their troubles to an old Indian Camp and smile, smile, smile!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Glenn Beck 'Should Move' Rally From Martin Luther King Spot?


Freedom ain't pretty, sometimes it's pretty ugly but Glenn Beck has the right to hold his White Power rally for the same reason Muslims have the right to build their Community Center - The first Amendment, it either applies to everyone one or eventually it'll apply to no one.''