Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Blond: Hey, What does 'IDK' mean?

Brunette: "I dont know."

Blonde: "OMG NOBODY knows!"
Just when I was getting all my ducks in a row, DUCK season opened.
The economy is really getting bad. The other day I saw an empty turtle shell with a foreclosed sign taped to the side.
How many libertarian economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None if market forces called for it, it would be done.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Right now political humor is easy to come up with, you just write down everything Republicans say.

Monday, September 20, 2010

We need a new Constitutional Amendment - we can't start a new war until we've paid for the last one.
Liberals want to feed the world - Conservatives want to rob it.
Fox is to news what a porn novel is to literature.
The Tea Party would have us believe they're not racist.  I checked and it's true: NASCAR season is over.
It's been reported that when Sarah Palin give a speech, she requires the venue to provide "bendy straws".  Now, if only her political views had the same  flexibility.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Christine O'Donnell dabbled in witchcraft and Sarah Palin has had witchcraft demons cast out of her by a South Africa preacher.  Maybe we should elect these two women to be President and Vice-President - We could leave Air Force One in the hanger and let them travel around the country on their brooms.
A tourist spent two miserable weeks in a Scottish hotel. Every day the weather was cold and damp. On his final day, he asked a small boy: 'Does the weather around here ever change?'

'Don't ask me,' said the boy. 'I'm only seven!'
Every day, people are straying away from the church and going back to God.—Lenny Bruce
Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

First surgeon: "I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he does the work of five guys."

Second surgeon: "That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!"

Third surgeon: "Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when George Bush went walking by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's put the entire country out of work!"

Friday, September 17, 2010

Bumper Stickers

Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if. . ."

I don't care what you love, what your other car is, who you brake for and what you'd rather be doing.

Illiterate? Write for help.

I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.

To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

They told me I was gullible . . . and I believed them.
The doctor told his patient: 'I want you to take one of these orange pills with a glass of water first thing in the morning; then I want you to take one of these yellow pills with a glass of water immediately after lunch; and I want you to take one of these green pills with a glass of water last thing at night.'

'What exactly is the matter with me?' asked the patient.

The doctor said: 'You're not drinking enough water.'

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The bridge between heaven and hell is in desperate need of repair, and St. Peter calls over to the devil, "It's your turn to fix it."

"Sorry," says the devil. "We are too busy fixing our heating system to worry about a little thing like a bridge."

"If you don't fix it," says St. Peter, "I'll have to sue you for breach of contract."

"Is that so?" says the devil. "And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
A man went to confession and told the priest that he had been having affairs with women from five neighboring villages.

'How could you do that?' asked the priest.

'It's easy,' said the man. 'I've got a bicycle.'
Husband: "Janice, when I see you in that hat, I laugh."
Wife: "Good! I'll put it on when the bill comes in."

Missing Link Discovered

Scientists have discovered the missing link between humans and ape-like creatures.  Little is known about the creatures because they tended to live in close knit communities isolated from the rest of the world and were fearful of education.  They appear to have resided mostly in the Southern United States, had white skin, and low intelligence quotients.  They've been given the Scientific Name "Camellia sinensis partie apaus" but have already been dubbed by the Common Name "Republicans."

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A humble office clerk called Norman boasted to his boss that he knew everyone in the world who was worth knowing. Celebrities, royalty, politicians: he claimed to be personal friends with each and every one.

Needless to say his boss didn't believe him, so Norman offered to introduce him to one of his celebrity friends.

'Would you believe me if I took you to Arnold Schwarzenegger's house?' asked Norman.

'Maybe,' replied the boss.

So they drove off to Schwarzenegger's mansion, and Arnie came to the door to greet them. 'Hey, Norman, my friend, how are you doin'?'

They stayed for lunch and a chat and afterward Norman turned to his boss and said: 'Now are you convinced?'

'You just got lucky,' sneered the boss. 'Arnie's a friendly guy.'

'How about if I introduced you to Madonna? Then would you believe that I know everybody?'


So they traveled to London where Norman took his boss to Madonna's house.

'Norman, great to see you again!' said Madonna warmly. 'Who's your friend?'

'This is my boss,' said Norman.

'Come in, both of you. Any friend of Norman is a friend of mine!'

Two drinks later they left. 'Now do you believe me?' asked Norman.

'Not really,' said the boss churlishly. 'I bet you tipped her off in advance and paid her to pretend she knew you.'

Norman had one trump card still to play. 'How about if I showed you I was friends with the Pope?'

'Well,' conceded the boss, 'I have to say that would be pretty impressive. I guess if you could appear on the Vatican balcony with the Pope, I'd finally be convinced that you know everyone in the world worth knowing.'

So the pair traveled to Rome. The boss waited in St. Peter's Square while Norman went into the Vatican. A few minutes later, sure enough, Norman appeared on the Vatican balcony alongside the Pope.

After his public appearance, Norman rushed back down to the square to learn his boss's reaction, only to find that he had fainted.

'What happened?' asked Norman.

'I was fine,' said the boss groggily, 'until the man next to me said: "Who's that on the balcony with Norman?'"
A regular theater goer was dismayed to find that he had a seat near the rear of the house for the performance of an eagerly awaited mystery thriller. With half an hour to go before curtain up, he summoned an usher and said: 'Could you possibly help me? I have been looking forward to this play for weeks, but I am not happy with my seat. You see, my eyesight and hearing are not what they were and, in order to be able to follow the intricate plot and work out the clues, I need a seat nearer the front of the house. If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip.'

The usher promised to do what he could and after twenty-five minutes of delicate negotiations, he was finally able to offer the man a seat right in the middle of the front row. The man took his seat, thanked the usher, and handed him a dollar by way of a tip.

The deflated usher took one look at the dollar and then whispered in the man's ear: 'The butler did it with the candlestick in the ballroom.'
Walking with a friend one day, a famous pianist passed a large fish shop where a fine catch of codfish, with mouths open and eyes staring, were arranged in a row. He suddenly stopped, looked at them, and clutching his friend by the arm, exclaimed :

"Heavens! That reminds me—! I should be playing at a concert!"
Three men were discussing the proper position and attitude for prayer. One said, "You should be on your knees with your head bowed in reverence to the Almighty."

The second man spoke up and said, "Remember that you were created in God's image. The position in which to pray is to stand up looking into the heavens into the face of God and talk to Him as a child to his father."

The third man spoke up and said, "I know nothing about those positions, but the finest praying I ever did was upside down in a Well.
She's so skinny, if she would ever get a run in her nylons, she would fall out.

Monday, September 13, 2010

An old man at a party bowed his head and wept quietly but profusely while a young lady sang the plaintive ballad, "My Old Kentucky Home," in a high soprano voice. The hostess tiptoed up to him and inquired sympathetically, "Pardon me, are you a Kentuckian?"

"No, madam," the tearful one replied, "I'm a musician."
A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"$12 for the rat,$100 for the story," said the owner.

The tourist gave the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to run toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."
One day Johnny's father brought his boss home for dinner. When Johnny's mother served the meat, the little boy asked, "Is this mutton?"

His mother replied, "No. Why do you ask?"

"Because Dad said -he was going to bring home a mutton-head for dinner," Johnny answered.
Joe Garagiola writes:

While I was playing with the Pirates, I gave a speech to the Pittsburgh Junior Chamber of Commerce. Trying to make the best of a terrible season, I said, "We may not be high in the standings, and we don't win many ballgames, but you've got to admit we play some interesting baseball."

A voice from the back of the room yelled, "Why don't you play some dull games and win a few?"
Although scheduled for all-night duty at the station, a police officer was relieved of duty early and arrived home at 2am - four hours earlier than expected. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and began to climb into bed.

But just as he pulled back the covers, his wife sat up sleepily and said: 'John, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and fetch me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.'

'Certainly, honey,' he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked to the drug store.

As he entered, the pharmacist looked up in surprise. 'Hey,' said the druggist, 'aren't you Officer Jones of the 8th District?'

'Yes, I am,' said the officer.

'Then why are you wearing the fire chief's uniform?'

Saturday, September 11, 2010

"This tonic will grow hair on a billiard ball."
"Who wants hair on a billiard ball?
You tell 'em, mountain ... I'm only a bluff!
Paul: "My brother can play the piano by ear."
Saul: "That's nothing. My grampaw fiddles with his whiskers."
Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up, Johnny?
Johnny: I want to follow in my father's footsteps and be a policeman.
Teacher: I didn't know your father was a policeman.
Johnny: He isn't. He's a burglar!
The minister selected a fifty-cent item at a convenience store but discovered he didn't have any money with him. "I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the owner, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons."

"Perhaps," suggested the owner, "I could come twice."

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Nephew: My uncle has a wooden leg and it hurts him alot.
Friend: How can a wooden leg hurt?
Nephew: His wife hit him on the head with it.
A basketball player and a jockey just robbed a bank. Police are looking high and low.
There are so many twelve-steps today. For example, you have AA, or Alcoholics Anonymous. Then there's ACA—Adult Children of Alcoholics. These are not inclusive enough. Here is a recovery program that covers all the bases:


Or, Adult Bad Children of Dysfunctional Evil Families Getting Hooked Into Just Keeping Little Mean Nasty Old People Quiet, Requiring Specialized Treatment Using Valium With eX-treme unYielding Zeal.
Donnie : "Isn't nature wonderful?"
Connie: "Why do you say that?"
Donnie: "Well, thousands of years ago she didn't know man was going to invent glasses, yet look how conveniently she placed his ears!"
The chaplain was passing through the prison garment factory. "Sewing?" he said to a prisoner who was at work.
"No, chaplain," replied the prisoner gloomily; "reaping!"
The chaplain was passing through the prison garment factory. "Sewing?" he said to a prisoner who was at work.
"No, chaplain," replied the prisoner gloomily; "reaping!"
The chaplain was passing through the prison garment factory. "Sewing?" he said to a prisoner who was at work.
"No, chaplain," replied the prisoner gloomily; "reaping!"

Monday, September 6, 2010

If you want bright eyed and bushy tailed, I suggest you find a pet squirrel.
Moisha Rabinovoff began his musical education almost before he could talk. For over twenty years he studied in practically every conservatory in the world. After that he played in concerts in every big European capital—London, Vienna, Rome, Paris. Finally he came to New York to play under Leopold Stokowski. On the first day when he was playing with Stokowski, the great conductor noticed he had a grouchy look on his face.

"Hah!" he thought. "This guy is a sourpuss."

"Why have you got that sour look on your face?" Stokowski demanded. "Don't you like me?" he continued.

"It's not that," answered Rabinovoff.

"Maybe you don't like the other musicians?"

"No, it isn't that."

"Well, maybe you don't like the piece we're playing?"

"No, it's not that."

"Maybe you don't like Carnegie Hall?"

"That isn't it."

"Well, there must be something wrong. What is it?"

"I just don't like music!" exploded Rabinovoff.
Due to poor annual profits, the management at an English crisp factory decided to introduce new working practices. Part of the manufacturing process involved the transportation of the crisps around the factory in purpose-made metal bins. Ever since anyone could remember, the materials for the bins had been supplied by a local sheet metal manufacturer, with final construction of the bins carried out by the workers within the factory. With their neatly soldered seams, the hand crafted bins were true works of art. Now as a cost cutting measure, management made the decision to replace the expensive hand crafted metal bins with cheaper, ready-made plastic bins. Not only would material costs be reduced but also staff levels within the factory could be cut.

This proposal angered the workers within the factory. A vote was taken and strike action unanimously agreed. As part of the action and in a bid to dram up national support, a local rally was organized, with a march taking place from the factory to the rally. To lift the workers' spirits as they marched with their banners, they sang: 'Onward crisp bin solderers . . .'
In the National Forests of Alaska, a tourist guide was addressing a group of vacationers about the dangers of hiking in grizzly bear territory. He warned: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in the hope of viewing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be disastrous. To avoid this, we suggest that hikers should wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. Finally, exercise added caution when you spot signs of bears in the area, particularly when you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked: "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Easy," explained the guide. "They're the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"
Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a child trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it.

The man calls out, "Let me get that for you." He bounds onto the porch and rings the bell.

"Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run."

Trailing Palin

Every time Sarah Palin
Endorses a candidate,
He ends up trailing
Everyone else on the slate.
When Republicans get together, America gets screwed.
In this economy, we've quit trying to keep up with the Joneses, the bank foreclosed on their house.
Ever notice that the less people know, the more they tend to talk?
Not sure what it says about our favorite cause when we print it on a sticker and paste it on our car's ass.

Sunday, September 5, 2010


In opening the heart,
Solitude plays it part
But laughter begins and ends
In the company of friends.

Similarities Between Teenagers and Cats:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call their name.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the sofa for hours on end without moving.

Just as you rarely see a cat out walking with a human being, no teenager ever wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating a sense of complete and utter boredom.

No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

No matter what you do for a cat or a teenager, it is never enough. You are just there to feed them.

No matter how well you tell a joke, no cat or teenager will ever crack a smile.

Cats and teenagers wreck furniture.

Given the chance, cats and teenagers like to wander off at night in search of action.

Cats have nine lives; teenagers carry on as if they did.
A woman  came  bursting into  her lawyer's office  and declared, "I want a divorce."

"But why?" asked the startled lawyer. "Do you have grounds?"

"Sure do! A house in Paramus and a cabin in the Poconos."

"No, what I mean is, do you have some kind of grudge?"

"Not exactly, but there's a carport in front of the house," she replied.

"That's not what I mean," said the lawyer, exasperated.  "Your husband, does he beat you up or something?"

"Oh, no, I'm the first one up every morning."

"Madam!" yelled the lawyer. "Can you just tell me why you want a divorce?"

"Yes! It's because I just can't carry on a decent conversation with the man!"
When is it easy to read in the woods?
When autumn turns the leaves.
Fred : "You say your son plays the piano like Chopin?"
Ted : "Yes. He uses both hands."
Got a flat tire... pulled over to change it. Stupid guy says, "Did your tire go flat?"

I said " No, I was driving along and the other three just swelled up!"


If my love should die before I do
I'd hope it'd be in winter, then
I would sit the whole night through
And quickly join her once again.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

13 Books Nobody's Read But Says They Have (PHOTOS)

Interesting, I think I've only read three of these: Swann's Way, War & Peace (after several false starts), and Satanic Verses, but thanks for the reading list.

But I would agree with the person who mentioned the Bible. My wife and I try to read it at least once a year, but I am constantly amazed at how even many of the most die-hard Christians have never read it cover-to-cover.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

13 Books Nobody's Read But Says They Have (PHOTOS)

Interesting, I think I've only read three of these: Swann's Way, War & Peace (after several false starts), and Satanic Verses, but thanks for the reading list.

But I would agree with the person who mentioned the Bible. My wife and I try to read it at least once a year, but I am constantly amazed at how even many of the most die-hard Christians have never read it cover-to-cover.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Friday, September 3, 2010

Video: Funny Gay Protest Signs

While I am a white, happily married, straight white male, I know a lot of people who were born gay.  The way I figure it, if gay people want to get married and can do a better job at staying married than straight couples, maybe they will end up saving marriage, they sure can't do any more harm to the institution  Anyway, here's a funny little video:

Two old men - one a retired history professor, the other a retired professor of psychology - had been persuaded by their wives to take a holiday in Portugal. As they sat around on the hotel balcony watching the sunset, the history professor said to the psychology professor: 'Have you read Marx?'

To which the professor of psychology replied: 'Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs.'
Three men were reflecting upon their fortunes while enjoying a relaxing day's fishing off the coast.

The first said: 'My house burnt down. I lost everything, but the insurance company paid up and that's why I'm here.'

The second said: 'My house burnt down too. I lost everything, but the insurance company paid up and that's why I'm here.'

The third guy said: 'My house was destroyed by an earthquake. I lost everything, but the insurance company paid up and that's why I'm here.'

The first two guys turned to him and said: 'Earthquake? How the hell do you start an earthquake?'
A criminal with a long record of transgressions was on trial for his latest crime. The jury found him guilty on thirty-three counts and the judge sentenced him to 189 years. Realizing that even with time off for good behavior he would be over one hundred when he was released, the prisoner burst into tears. Noting this display of remorse, the judge reconsidered. He said, "I didn't mean to be so severe. Thinking it over, I can see that I've imposed an extremely harsh sentence. So you don't have to serve the whole time." The prisoner beamed with new found hope, until the judge leaned toward him and said, 'Just do as much as you can."
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his glass eye and rushed to a stomach specialist? The specialist   peered   down   the   unfortunate   fellow's throat and exclaimed, "I've looked into a lot of stomachs in my day, but I must say, this is the first one that ever looked back at me."
After being sentenced to five years in prison, Pete knew that the time would give him the opportunity to reflect upon his past mistakes. So he set out to be a model prisoner and soon impressed the prison staff who could see that he was basically a decent guy. He had simply taken one wrong turning in life. The governor encouraged him to learn a trade so that he could lead a fruitful life on his eventual release. Pete took up carpentry and became so adept that he was often given a weekend pass to odd jobs for local pensioners. Without fail, he reported back to prison on the Sunday evening.
The governor was thinking of rebuilding his own kitchen and had already done a lot of the work. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and the breakfast counter that he had promised his wife. So he called Pete into his office and asked him whether he could complete the job.

Pete had to decline the offer. He explained: 'I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.'

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


•     A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
•     Dinner Special—Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
•     Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
•     We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
•     No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
•     Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
•     Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
•     Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
•     Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
•     Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in twenty-four hours.
•     Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
•     Stock up and save. Limit: one.
•     Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
•     We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires Dec. 31 or while supplies last.
•     This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
•     Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
•     Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
•     Semi-Annual After-Christmas Sale.
•     And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
•    We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
•    For sale at reduced prices—shirts for men with minor flaws.
•    A coupon for a Wooster, Ohio car wash: "Absolutely nothing touches your car except soup and water."
•    An ad for Morrison's Family Dining in the Miami Herald: "Home Baked Pies & Breads to Go. Entire Menu Made from Scotch Daily."
•    An ad in a Hong Kong newspaper: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A Sunday school teacher asked a little girl if she said her prayers every night.

"No, not every night," declared the child. " 'Cause some nights I don't want anything!"

Famous people give their answers to the question: why did the chicken cross the road?

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your point of reference.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.

Rene Descartes: Since the chicken does not really exist, it was only an illusion that the chicken crossed the road. This illusion was only in my mind. Therefore I created the chicken that crossed the road.

Charles Darwin: Over great periods of time, chickens have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Martin Luther King: I envisage a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

George W. Bush: The chicken was misinformated as to what attractivation was on the other side.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Several buzzards had been circling all day looking for a dead animal carcass to eat. As night approached, one wearily suggested to the others, "Let's just kill some small animal and eat it. If we don't, we'll all die of starvation."

Buzzard's don't do that," said a second.

"Says who?"

"I read it in Wikipedia."
His marriage becoming increasingly strained, a man decided that he wanted a pet as a companion he could relate to. So he went along to the pet shop in search of a new friend and there spotted a parrot with no legs or feet sitting on a perch.

'Goodness me!' said the man to the shop owner. 'What on earth happened to that parrot?'

'I was born this way,' squawked the parrot.

The man laughed to die owner. 'It was almost if the parrot understood me!'

'I did,' said the parrot. 'I understood every word. I'll have you know I'm a highly intelligent bird. I can speak three languages and can conduct a stimulating conversation on a whole range of subjects from nuclear physics to football. I would make a great companion.'

The man was impressed by the parrot's skills but one thing puzzled him. 'How do you hang on to your perch without any feet?'

'What I do,' replied the parrot quietly, 'is wrap my little parrot penis around the perch, rather like a hook. Nobody can see it because of my feathers.'

'How ingenious!' said the man. 'You're definitely the pet for me. How much are you?'

'The price tag says two hundred dollars,' replied the parrot.

'Two hundred dollars! I can't afford that!'

'Pssst,' hissed die parrot, beckoning the guy closer with one wing. 'Because I haven't got any feet nobody wants to buy me, so you can get me for much less. I bet the shop owner would be willing to sell for fifteen.'

So the man offered fifteen dollars and walked out with the parrot.

Over the ensuing weeks, the parrot proved the ideal companion. He was witty, interesting, understanding and dished out excellent advice. The man was delighted with him. Then one day the man arrived home from work to find the parrot waiting eagerly for him.

'Here,' said the parrot, motioning him over to the cage. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the window-cleaner.'

'What?' said the man.

'Well,' said the parrot, 'when he called round today, your wife greeted him at the door in a skimpy nightdress and kissed him on the mouth.'

'What happened then?' asked the man.

"The window-cleaner came into the house and lifted up her nightdress and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'Oh no!' exclaimed the man. "Then what?'

'Then he lifted up the nightdress, got down on his knees and began fondling her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going lower and lower

The parrot paused.

'What happened? What happened?' asked the man frantically.

'I don't know,' said the parrot. 'At that point I fell off my perch.'