Sunday, April 25, 2010

Conservative Christians seem to be spending too much time writing a Conservative Bible to read the one we already have.
Christians do not fight for Democracy, we struggle for a Kingdom.

Friday, April 23, 2010

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared; 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the
creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration...

CRAP!  THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

If Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sue Lowden's healthcare plan passes:

  • Which came first, The chicken of the heart transplant?
  • Q. Why did the Chicken cross the road?  A. To get to the doctor's office.
  • When you go to the gynecologist's make sure you bring a hen, they don't accept cocks.
The Arizona House passed a "birther" bill.
America is laughing still.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Only a fool, or worse a redneck,
Would believe that Glenn Beck
Cares about anything but his check.
Every morning a man took the ferry to work, but one day his watch stopped and he thought he was running late. He rushed to the dock and saw the boat ten feet away. Taking a run at it, he jumped and, with a superhuman effort, just managed to land in the boat. The captain looked at him quizzically and said: 'If you had waited another minute, we'd have docked.'
The congregation of a small stone church in England decided that the stone which formed the step up to the front door had become too worn by its years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning over the block of stone.

They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
Teacher: How many fingers have you?

Jean: Ten.

Teacher: Well, if four were missing, what would you have then?

Jean: No piano lessons.
"Some people say the Baptist denomination started with John the Baptist, but it was much earlier than that," said a great Baptist leader as he spoke to a large gathering of Baptist ministers. "In fact, it started 'way over in the Old Testament. In the 13th chapter of Genesis, it says Lot said to Abraham, 'You go your way and I'll go mine.' That's when the Baptists began."
A blowhard Air Force major was promoted to colonel and received a brand new office. His first morning behind the desk, an airman knocked on the door and asked to speak to him. The colonel, feeling the urge to impress the young airman, picked up his phone and said: "Yes, General, thank you. Yes, I will pass that along to the President this afternoon. Yes, good-bye, sir."

Then, turning to the airman he barked, "And what do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," said the airman. "I just came to install your telephone."
"Herbert," said a mother to her six-year-old son, "are you teaching the parrot to use profanity after I asked you not to?"

"No, Mama," replied Herbert. "I was just telling him what not to say."
A message for all parents: Is your teen-age son or daughter out for the evening? If so, take advantage of the opportunity. Pack your furniture, call a moving van, and don't leave a forwarding address.
It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment. We can sympathize with the chap who met an old friend after many years.

"How is your wife?"

"She is in heaven," replied the friend.

"Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap. Then he realized this was not the thing to say. "I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad." That seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm surprised."
Food is more plentiful in Paris with the summer season, but not so with meat, which accounts for a restaurant patron's complaint to the waiter that his pork chop was too little and too hot.

"Why don't you blow on it?" the waiter none too politely- inquired.

"I am afraid to," said the diner. "It might blow away."
I know a man who fell from tie eightieth floor and lived to tell about it.

Really?

Yes, he told the people on the seventy-ninth floor, seventy-eighth floor, the seventy-seventh floor . . .
Fundamentalists have a list of "Fundamentals" to identify Christians, Jesus had only one criteria:


Jhn 13:35 By this shall all [men] know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.
If we want to get planes back in the sky over Europe, we need to give the volcano a virgin.

Divorce rates and teen pregnancies worse in red states

Divorce rates and teen pregnancies worse in red states � Sky's Universal Predications

The most Conservative and religious states fail in the "Family Values" areas.

This reminds me of what Jesus said about two brothers:

But what think ye? A [certain] man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I [go], sir: and went not.

Whether of them twain did the will of [his] father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. Mat 21:28-31

Conservatives talk about God a lot, but Liberals tend to live the "Red-letter" life more often, even those of us who are not Christians.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Plotting the Exit Strategy

Plotting the Exit Strategy - Los Angeles Times

Q: Do Conservatives want America to fail?

A: Yes - because many believe America's failure will force God's hand & hasten Armageddon.
An Army base staff that was planning war games did not. want to use live ammunition. Instead they informed the men: "In place of a rifle, you go, 'Bang, bang.' In place of a knife, you go, 'Stab, stab.' In place of a hand grenade, you go, 'Lob, lob.' "

The game was in progress when one of the soldiers saw one of the enemy. He went; "Bang, bang," but nothing happened. He ran forward and went, "Stab, stab," but nothing happened. He ran back and went, "Lob, lob," but nothing happened. Finally he walked up to the enemy and said, "You are not playing fair. I went, 'Bang, bang,'
and, 'Stab, stab,' and, 'Lob, lob,' and you haven't fallen dead yet!"

The enemy responded, "Rumble, rumble. I'm a tank."
Two Law Partners were having lunch one day, when one of them suddenly jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh, no! I've got to get back to the office!  I left the safe unlocked!"

The other lawyer looked at his partner calmly and replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."
One day Snow White was shopping in town when she stopped to look in a photography shop. She thought to herself: 'Wouldn't it be great to have a camera so that I can take photos of the Seven Dwarfs?'

So she bought a camera and rushed home to tell Dopey, Bashful, Doc and co. That afternoon she used up the whole film, taking photographs of her vertically challenged friends - in the woods, by the lake, and in their home. Snow White was so excited that she couldn't wait to get the photos developed.

The next day she took the film in to the store and asked when her photos would be ready for collection.

'Thursday,' said the clerk.

Come Thursday and Snow White could hardly contain herself. First thing in the morning she went into town to collect the pictures, only to be told by the clerk that they hadn't come in yet.

'Try again Saturday,' he suggested.

Barely concealing her disappointment, Snow White trudged home and counted the hours till Saturday. First thing Saturday morning she returned to the store.

'Are my photos ready yet?' she asked the clerk.

'Sorry, they're not. Try again Tuesday.'

Snow White was mortified by the latest setback but consoled herself with the thought that it wasn't long till Tuesday. First thing Tuesday morning, she went back to the camera shop.

Before she could even speak, the clerk said sympathetically: 'I'm really sorry, they're still not in.'

A tear began to trickle down Snow White's face. Seeing her obvious distress, the clerk stepped from behind the counter, put a comforting arm around her and said: 'Don't worry. Some day your prints will come.'
Several churches in the South decided to hold union services. The leader was a Baptist and proud of his denomination.

"How many Baptists are here?" he asked on the first night of the revival.

All except one little lady raised their hands.

"Lady, what are you?" asked the leader.

"I'm a Methodist," meekly replied the lady.

"Why are you a Methodist?" queried the leader.

"Well," replied the little old lady, "my grandparents were Methodists, my mother was a Methodist, and my late husband was a Methodist."

"Well," retorted the leader, "just supposing all your relatives had been morons, what would that I have made you?"

"Oh, I see. A Baptist, I suppose," the lady replied meekly.
Teacher, answering the phone: You say Billy has a cold and can't come to school? Who is this speaking?

Hoarse Voice : This is my father.
Did you hear about the cheerful truck driver who pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop? Halfway through his dinner, three wild-looking. motorcyclists roared up ... bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy ... with swastikas adorning their chests and helmets.

For no reason at all they selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately upset his cup of coffee. The truck driver never said one word—just arose, paid his check, and exited.

"That trucker sure ain't much of a fighter," sneered one of the invaders. The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, "He doesn't seem to be much of a driver either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles!"
Two voices were heard in the park one beautiful evening.

"I love you," said one.

"Ouch!" yelled the other.

"I love you."

"Ouch!"

It was two porcupines necking.
Mother: "How could you be so rude to tell your sister she's stupid. Tell her you're sorry."

Boy: "Sis, I'm sorry you're stupid!"
Mother: "How could you be so rude to tell your sister she's stupid. Tell her you're sorry."

Boy: "Sis, I'm sorry you're stupid!"
English professor, at dinner: "It was Sir Walter Raleigh who first introduced your American turkey into Britain."

American guest, trying to cut his portion: "And this one must be the very one he introduced."
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Boo!"

Thursday, April 15, 2010

A very new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate of a military outpost. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, said, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on."

The sentry said, "Hold it. You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son; drive on."

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this: do I shoot you or the driver?"
Just before I was to preach at a Baptist church, the pastor said, "When you get through I want you to stand at the door with me, so that the people can greet you."

Afterwards I stood there, and folks came by. One woman grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye, and said, "Preacher, that was a sorry sermon."

Of course, I was shaken by that, but I was more shaken when I noticed her in line the second time. She grabbed my hand again, looked me in the eye, and said, "... a sorry sermon and you didn't even preach it well!" And she walked on.

Then she came back a third time, grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye, and said, "... a sorry sermon and you didn't preach it well, and I hope you never come back."

Well, I was devastated. I turned to the pastor and said, "What is with this woman?"

He said, "Don't pay any attention to her. She's not very bright. She just goes around repeating what she hears everybody else saying."
Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Johnny: Big hands.
First Pupil: If I don't pass this exam, I'll kill myself.
Second Pupil: Why bother? You're dead from the neck up anyway
Right in the middle of the service, and just before the sermon, one of the congregation remembered she had forgotten to turn off the gas under the roast. Hurriedly she scribbled a note and passed it to the usher to give to her husband. Unfortunately, the usher misunderstood her intention and took it to the pulpit Unfolding the note, the preacher read aloud, "Please go home and turn off the gas."
"How do you know your family was poor?"
"Every  time I passed someone in town,  they would say, "There goes Joe. His poor family!"
A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian."

Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother, you know."

"I know," he replied, "but the store is full of mothers."
One woodworm turned to the other and said: 'How's life?'
'Boring,' said the other.
One woodworm turned to the other and said: 'How's life?'
'Boring,' said the other.
An Englishman was traveling with an American through the corn belt. "My dear man," he said, "what are you doing with all this corn?"

"Well," said the American, "we eat what we can and what we can't, we can."

The Englishman found this hilarious. As soon as he was back in London he told his friends in the club about the abundance of corn and his question about it.

"And you know what the Yankee said?" he asked. " 'We eat as much as we can and what we cannot eat we put into tins.'
Guide: A tiger will not harm you if you carry a white walking stick.
Hunter: Yes, but how fast must you carry it?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

BROWNIES

  4       (1 ounce) squares  unsweetened chocolate
     2/3           cup  shortening
  2               cups  sugar
  4                     eggs
  1           teaspoon  vanilla
  1 1/4           cups  all-purpose flour*
  1                cup  chopped nuts, if desired
  1           teaspoon  baking powder
  1           teaspoon  salt
                        Glossy Chocolate Frosting -- (recipe follows)
                       
                        GLOSSY CHOCOLATE FROSTING
  3       (1 ounce) squares  unsweetened chocolate
  3        tablespoons  shortening
  2               cups  powdered sugar
     1/4      teaspoon  salt
     1/3           cup  milk
  1           teaspoon  vanilla
     1/2           cup  finely chopped nuts, if desired

Heat oven to 350ยบ. Grease baking pan, 13 × 9 × 2 inches. Heat chocolate
and shortening in 3-quart saucepan over low heat until melted; remove from
heat. Stir in sugar, eggs and vanilla. Mix in remaining ingredients.
Spread in pan.

Bake until brownies begin to pull away from side of pan, about 30 minutes.
(Do not overbake.) Cool slightly; spread with Glossy Chocolate Frosting
(see recipe), if desired. Cool completely; cut into bars, about 2 × 1 1/2
inches.

GLOSSY CHOCOLATE FROSTING:

Heat chocolate and shortening over low heat until melted. Stir in powdered
sugar, salt, milk and vanilla; beat until smooth. Place pan of frosting in
bowl of ice and water; continue beating until smooth and of spreading
consistency. Stir in nuts.
Doctor: "What do you dream about at night?"
Dopey: "Baseball."
Doctor: "Don't you dream about anything else?"
Dopey : "No, just about baseball, night after night."
Doctor (puzzled): "Don't you ever dream about food?"
Dopey: "What? And miss my turn at bat?"
A banquet speaker went on and on with his speech. The Mayor nodded, and, after a while, rested his head on the tablecloth. The chairman reached over and bumped him lightly on the head with his gavel.

Mayor: "Hit me harder—I can still hear him."
A man walked into a bar with an ostrich behind him. He ordered a beer and said to the ostrich: 'What will you have?'

The ostrich said: 'I'll have the same.'

'That's four ninety,' said the bartender.

The man reached into his pocket and without looking or counting, handed the bartender exactly four dollars, ninety cents.

The following day the man and the ostrich called in again. 'I'll have a whiskey,' said the man. 'And what do you want?' he asked the ostrich.

The ostrich said: 'I'll have a rum and coke.'

"That's six thirty-three,' said the bartender.

The man reached into his pocket and immediately produced exactly six dollars and thirty-three cents.

The next day the man and the ostrich were back again. The man ordered a gin and tonic and the ostrich asked for a glass of Chardonnay and a packet of nuts.

'That's six ninety-eight,' said the bartender.

The man reached into his pocket and handed over exactly six dollars, ninety-eight cents.

The bartender said: 'There's something I have to ask you. How do you manage to bring out the precise amount of change from your pocket without ever counting it?'

The man explained: 'Last year I was clearing out the attic when I came across an old lamp. For fun, I thought I'd rub it to see whether a genie appeared and, to my amazement, one did. Not only that, but he granted me two wishes. My fiist wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's great,' said the bartender. 'So many people wish for untold wealth, expensive holidays or fast cars. One other thing though: what's with the ostrich?'

The man said: 'My second wish was for a chick with long legs.'
My brother has a broken arm because the doctor told him to follow a prescription for a cold.

How did he break his arm?

The prescription flew out the window and he jumped out after it.
Two eagles were lazily soaring over the desert when a jet-propelled plane sped by them, its exhaust spouting flame and smoke. As it went out of sight, one of the eagles remarked:

"That bird was really in a hurry."

"You'd be in a hurry too," said the other, "if your tail was on fire."
Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.

Johnny: I know, miss. But maybe if you were a little quieter, I could.
1st Man: "I think we should all confess our faults one to another. I've got a terrible habit of stealing!"

2nd Man: "I've got a terrible habit of lying!"

3rd Man: "I beat my wife!"

4th Man: "When no one is around, I get drunk!"

5th Man: "I've got the terrible habit of gossiping, and I can hardly wait to get out of here!"
A very dignified pastor was visiting a lady in a nursing home who was confined to a wheelchair. As he stood to leave, the lady asked him to have a word of prayer. He gently took her hand and prayed that God would be with her to bring her comfort, strength and healing.

When he finished praying, her face began to glow. She said softly, "Pastor, would you help me to my feet?"

Not knowing what else to do, he helped her up.

At first, she took a few uncertain steps. Then she began to jump up and down, then to dance and shout and cry with happiness until the whole nursing home was aroused.

After she was quieted, the solemn pastor hurried out to his car, closed the door, grabbed hold of the steering wheel and prayed this little prayer: "Lord, don't you ever do that to me again!"
It was a lucky day in the cannibal village. They had an explorer in the pot, and about to be cooked. The chief asked the victim if he had any last words to say.

The explorer gasped, "Yes. I'm smoking more now and enjoying it less."
Customer: One thousand pins and needles, please.
Salesman: What's all that for?
Customer: I'm a sword-swallower and I'm on a diet.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The smartest man on the planet becomes an idiot the day his kid becomes a teenager.
Why would a barber rather shave ten men from New York than one from San Francisco?
Because he would get ten times as much money.
A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church.

As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key."

Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."
First communist: "Nice weather we're having."
Second communist: "Yeah, but the rich are having it, too!"
His teacher was horrified to hear Little Johnny swearing in school.

'I never want to hear you using language like that again. Where on earth did you pick up such foul-mouthed talk?'

'From my Dad,' said Johnny.

'Well, he should be ashamed of himself,' said the teacher. 'And it's no reason for you to talk like that. Anyway, you don't even know what it means.'

'I do!' said Johnny. 'It means the car won't start.'
The story is told of a corporal who reported to a new regiment with a letter from his old captain, saying, "This man is a great soldier, and he'll be even better if you can cure him of his constant gambling."

The new CO. looked at him sternly and said, "I hear you're an inveterate gambler. I don't approve. It's bad for discipline. What kind of thing do you bet on?"

"Practically anything, sir," said the corporal. "If you'd like, I'll bet you my next month's pay that you've got a strawberry, birthmark under your right arm."

The C. O. snapped, "Put down your money." He then stripped to the waist, proved conclusively he had no birthmark, and pocketed the bills on the table. He couldn't wait to phone the captain and exult, "That corporal of yours won't be in a hurry to make a bet after what I just did to him."

"Don't be too sure," said the captain mournfully. "He just bet six months pay he'd get you to take your shirt off five minutes after he reported."
My brother is working with two thousand men under him.

Really. What does he do?

He cuts the grass in a cemetery.
Dan: "Did you hear that Jones is making a hundred dollars a night playing the violin?"
Nan: "Imagine! Twenty-five dollars a string!"
Dan: "Yeah, if I were him I'd get a harp."
A man walked into a bar with a strip of tarmac under his arm. 'What'll you have?' asked the bartender. The man said: 'I'll have a beer, and one for the road.'
Man, (to woman on train) "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"

Woman: "Conductor! Conductor! This man has just insulted my baby!"

Conductor: "Now, madam, don't get mad. I'll get a drink of water for you and a banana for your baby."
A very high-pressure vacuum-cleaner salesman was forcing a home demonstration on a prospective customer. He took a large paper bag out of his case, and proceeded to scatter the contents all over Mrs. Whipple's beautiful living-room rug—coffee grounds, lint, gravel, dust, eggshells, and all sorts of dirt. Then he said, "Madam, I'll eat every bit of this stuff that my vacuum cleaner doesn't pick up." Mrs. Whipple started out of the room.

"Where are you going?" asked the salesman.

"To get you a knife and fork," she said. "You see, we don't have electricity."

Thursday, April 8, 2010

CAUTION

CAUTION: If you don't want to be "brainwashed" into being a Liberal Christian, don't read the Bible for yourself.  Especially don't read those Red-Letter passages, they are hazardous to a Conservative's mentality.

Instead, find a preacher to pick passages out that agree with your way of thinking and let him package them together in a neat little Conservative passage.
Neither Jesus nor Paul protested taxes - so why do Conservative Christians?
The Hutaree Militia Represents Christianity in the same way Muslim Extremists represent Islam.
In order to take Social Justice out of Christianity, we'd have to take Jesus out of the Bible.
It's understandable Glenn Beck doesn't "get" Christianity, he's a Mormon.

I'm a Social Justice Christian PSA

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Little Johnny's class were having an English lesson, and the teacher asked him to recite a sentence with a direct object. Johnny thought for a second and said: 'Teacher, everybody thinks you are very beautiful.'

'Why, thank you, Johnny,' she said, blushing. 'But what is the direct object?'

Johnny said: 'A good report card next month.'
"We were so poor when I was a little boy I had to wear hand-me-down clothes!"
"So what? Everybody has to wear hand-me-downs!"
"But all I had were older sisters!"
Joan : "Hasn't Jack ever married?"
Jean : "No, I don't think he intends to, because he's studying for a bachelor's degree."
First Salesman: My job is selling salt.
Second Salesman: That's my job too!
First Salesman: Shake!
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ,'I need to get up and get a coke.' Don't get up,' said the Marine,' I'm in the aisle seat,' I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,' That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...'Why does it have to be this way?' How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?'
Sure Signs of Boredom:

Your toothpick model of the Eiffel Tower is approaching life size.
You actually start doing things on your 'to do' list.
You invite Jehovah's Witnesses in for a chat.
You start reading the dictionary to learn new words.
You wear out your computer mouse playing solitaire.
You start taking things apart just to see if you can rebuild them again.
You master the art of sleeping with your eyes open.
Shortly after the holy days of Lent and Passover, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi went off together on a fishing trip. They tried every kind of bait they could think of, but the fish weren't biting. So the priest got out of the boat and walked across the water to another spot. Then the rabbi got out of the boat and walked across the water. The minister got out of the boat, too— and started to sink. He floundered around, climbed back into the boat, and tried again. Once again he sank into the water. He clambered back into the boat, and tried once more, this time almost drowning. Finally the priest said to the rabbi, "Do you think we should tell him where the rocks are?"

Monday, April 5, 2010

Two Indians were riding at eighty miles an hour.
First Indian : "I think we should slow down."
Second Indian : "Why?"
First Indian : "Because I think we must be getting near the reservation."
Second Indian : "Why?"
First Indian : "Because we're hitting too many Indians."
The bore was giving the story of his travels in the Swiss Alps and droned on, and on, and on. At one point he remarked: "There I stood, with the abyss yawning before me."

"Excuse me," interjected a bored listener, "but was that abyss yawning before you got there?"
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill collapsed with laughter.
What's the difference between a  mother and a barber?
The barber has razors to shave. The mother has shavers to raise.
Sam : "Joe, did you know that a cat has three tails?"
Joe: "Don't be silly."
Sam : "But I can prove it."
Joe: "Try it."
Sam: "Well, you'll have to agree that no cat has two tails."
Joe: "Right."
Sam : "And one cat has one more tail than no cat, hasn't it?"
Joe: "Of course."
Sam : "So, one cat has three tails."
Dopey: "What is your occupation?"
Dopier: "I used to be an organist."
Dopey: "And why did you give it up?"
Dopier: "The monkey died."
He was so fat during his school days that every-time he would get up and turn around he would erase the blackboard.
Teacher: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

Jerry: At the bottom.
The judge told the witness: 'Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?'

'I do.'

'And do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?'

'Sure. My side will win.'
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, His eyes are rolled back into his head. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1.

"My friend is dead," he shouts into the phone.

The operator, says, "Calm down, take it easy. First we've got to make sure he's dead."

There is silence, then a shot is heard.

The other guy comes back on the line, "OK. Now what?"
Conservative Christianity is the doctrine that Jesus taught the virtues of the "root of all evil."
After I began reading the Bible at least once a year, I got more Liberal each time through - Perhaps that's why they used to keep the Bible chained to the altar.
For those who wish to destroy a religion, there's no greater gift than Fundamentalism.
Conservatives & Family Values: it's a matter of Do as I say, not as I do.
Conservatives desire a government too small to protect its citizens from its corporations but big enough to protect its corporations from its citizens.
The least religious Western nations (Europe) were once "Christian Nations" - when given political power, Christianity destroys itself.
Conservatives are right about one thing: Gov't doesn't work when Conservatives are in charge of it.
Conservatives are right about one thing: Gov't doesn't work when Conservatives are in charge of it.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

A newspaper correspondent assigned to cover the Paris peace meetings bumped into an old acquaintance whom he knew to be a secret agent.
"Hello," he said. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, just looking for scraps of information," answered the agent. "And what are you doing here?"
"Oh,  I'm  just  looking  for  information  of scraps," replied the correspondent.
Paul and Saul were trying to define the word "collision."
"Collision," said Paul, "is when two things come together unexpectedly."
"I know," brightly replied Saul. "Twins."
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving inventions of today.
Sandy: "I want a cheap coat hanger."
Salesperson : "Here's one for three pence."
Sandy:   "Three pence!  I  want something much cheaper."
Salesperson: "The nail department is down two aisles to the left."
Tim : "How does your new short-wave radio work?"
Charlie: "Perfectly—I got China when I turned it on at three o'clock this morning."
Tim : "China and what else?"
Charlie : "Flowerpots, milk bottles, and old shoes."
What is the difference between fog and a falling star?
One is mist on earth, the other is missed in heaven.
An egoist is someone always me-deep in conversation.
What is the difference between the earth and the sea?
One is dirt-y, the other is tide-y.
You Know You're In Trouble When:

Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line one, the DA is on line two, and CBS is on line three.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and are afraid to tell your wife.
You see the cruise captain running towards you wearing a life jacket.
They pay your wages out of petty cash.
The pest exterminator crawls under your home and never comes out.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty-day guarantee.
Didja hear about the comic who told the same jokes three nights running— he wouldn't dare tell them standing still.