Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Member: "How are you feeling, pastor?"

Pastor: "Better."

Member: "We had a committee meeting the other night and they voted to send you this get-well card. The motion passed 4 to 3!"
President Lyndon Johnson insisted that Lawrence F. O'Brien take his oath of office as Postmaster General in a little post office in Hye, Texas. At the ceremony, Johnson recalled mailing his first letter at that very post office when he was four. "It was about fifty-three years ago," said LBJ. "And Larry O'Brien told me a few moments ago that he is going out to find that letter and deliver it."
A boy promised his girlfriend: 'We're going to have a great time Saturday. I got three tickets for the big game.'

'Why do we need three?' she asked.

'One for your father, one for your mother, and one for your kid sister!'
A man dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly gates. Behind St. Peter, is a wall of clocks. The man asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks".

St Peter answers, " Everyone has one. The hands move when someone lies".

The man asks about George Washington. St Peter says."The hands have never moved".

The man: What about Abe Lincoln?

St Peter: Only moved twice.

The man: Where is Glenn Beck's clock?

St. Peter: It's in Jesus' office. He's using it for a fan!
A man hated his wife's cat so much that he decided to get rid of it by driving it twenty blocks from home and dumping it. But as he got back home, he saw the cat wandering up the driveway. So he drove the cat forty blocks away and dumped it. But when he arrived back home, there was the cat waiting for him at the front door. In desperation, he drove the cat fifty miles out into the country and dumped it in the middle of a wood.

Four hours later his wife got a phone call at home. 'Darling,' said her husband. 'Is the cat there?'

'Yes,' said the wife. 'Why?'

'Just put him on the line will you? I need directions.'

Monday, August 30, 2010

Prince Charles arrived in Iran on a state visit and asked the President: 'Where's the Shah?'

The President looked puzzled. 'What do you mean? There is no Shah. We got rid of the Shah years ago.'

'Very well,' said Prince Charles. 'In that case I'll take a bath.'
Father: "Can you support her in the way she's been accustomed to?"

Prospective son-in-law: "No, perhaps I cannot support her in the manner she has been accustomed to, but I can support her in the way her mother was accustomed to when she was first married."
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Diamond asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "I'd say, 'Here's an orange.'"

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student pondered for a moment, then said, "OK, I'd tell him, I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze, and otherwise eat the same, or give the same away with or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.'"

The professor beamed.

Simple Politics:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

  • I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
  • Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
  • We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
  • The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
  • And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
  • Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep doodoo.
An elderly couple died in a car crash. They had been in excellent health for years through exercizing regularly and also because the wife was obsessed with health foods, keeping a strict watch on both then-diets. So when St. Peter welcomed them to heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-rate relaxation facilities. The husband was particularly impressed by the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.

"This really is a fantastic place you've got,' he told St. Peter.

'And there's more,' said St. Peter. 'Let me show you the restaurant.'

As they observed the sumptuous buffet serving every food imaginable, the husband asked; 'Where's the low fat table?'

'Oh, you don't have to worry about things like that,' said St. Peter. 'You can eat whatever you want, no matter how fatty it is, and it's all free. After all, this is heaven!'

With that, the husband threw his hat to the ground in a fit of temper.

'What's the matter?' asked St. Peter.

Turning to his wife, the husband snapped: 'This is all your fault, Mildred. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!'

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Fred, the local barber, is the most negative person in our town. John, the president of the Rotary Club, was sitting in his chair one day, extremely excited. "Guess what, Fred," he said.

Fred muttered, "What?"

"My wife and I are going to Italy for a month."

"I've heard all about Italy," Fred replied. "The people are rude. The food is terrible. The countryside is ugly."

John paid no attention and continued, "And I'm going to spend a week in Rome."

"Big deal," said Fred. "Bunch of broken down old buildings."

Undeterred, John went on. "And I'm going to visit the Vatican. I'm even going to have an audience with the Pope."

"Oh, yeah," said Fred, "I know about those so-called papal audiences. You'll be packed into the square with a million other dopes and the Pope will wave from the balcony. Big deal."

A month went by and John was once again in the barber chair. "So how was your trip to Italy?" asked Fred. "As bad as I thought it would be, right?"

"Not at all," John responded. "The people were warm and friendly. The food was wonderful. The countryside was gorgeous."
"But Rome is a dump. Am I right?" the barber persisted.

"No,"John answered, "Rome was delightful. We could have stayed a year and not run out of fascinating places to see."
"And how about your visit with the Pope?" asked the barber, expecting his prediction to be fulfilled.
John answered, "Well, I have to admit, you were half-right about that. The Pope was up there on the balcony and I was back in the crowd with thousands of people, but two uniformed Swiss guards came over and told me the Pope wanted to talk to me. They escorted me right up onto the balcony with him."

"What did he tell you?" asked the barber.

"He didn't tell me anything. In fact, he had a question for me."

"Well, what did he ask?" asked the incredulous barber.

John took a minute to allow the suspense to mount. "The Pope said to me, 'Tell me, my son, where did you get that terrible haircut?'"
Mike: "Don't you ever take a vacation?"
John: "I can't get away."
Mike: "Why? Can't the firm do without you?"
John: "And how! That's what I don't want them to find out."
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
A motorist speeding along a highway at eighty miles an hour was stopped by a policeman. "Was I driving too fast?" asked the motorist apologetically.
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "You were flying too low."
A motorist speeding along a highway at eighty miles an hour was stopped by a policeman. "Was I driving too fast?" asked the motorist apologetically.
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "You were flying too low."
One day, the two deputies in the sheriff's office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the naked bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. Both had been shot dead. When the deputies went into the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

'No doubt about it,' said one deputy to the other. 'This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home, found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.'

'You're right,' agreed the other deputy. 'Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he'll say "It could have been worse," just like he always does.'

'No way!' said the first deputy. 'How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't possibly be any worse.'

'I'm just telling you what he'll say, that's all.'

'No, not this time, so yeah, I'll take up your bet. Ten dollars?'

'You're on.'

Just then, the old sheriff arrived on the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two naked bodies on the bed. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. 'No doubt about it,' said the sheriff, shaking his head. 'It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home, found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.' After pausing for a moment, the sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes and said solemnly: 'But you know, it could have been worse.'

The deputy who had lost his bet jumped up and shouted indignantly: 'Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!'

'Yes, it could,' the sheriff retorted. 'You see that guy on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there on that bed!'
Advice to mothers: Unless you deliberately set aside a little time for regular relaxation, you will not be able to efficiently care for your family. Therefore, plan to relax a minimum of an hour and a half every fifteen years.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

"In our family," a little girl told her teacher, "everybody marries relatives. My father married my mother, my uncle married my aunt, and the other day I found that my grandmother married my grandfather."
I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be.
Before signing his name and title to important papers, a respected personnel manager always checked something in his desk drawer. When he retired, employees found in the drawer a scrap of paper that said: "2 Ns—1 L."

You Might Be a Teabagger If...

Your back porch is bigger than your house.

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

You've ever hitchhiked naked.

You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.

The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You list your parole officer as a reference.

There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".

You have to duct tape your gloves on.

You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.

Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

Your best coat is a black and red checkered.

You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.

You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.

You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.

You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.

You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.

You've ever been given a gun as a present.

Flannel is your favorite color.

You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.

Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.

You have got more bumper stickers than children.

Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.

You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.

You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.

Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.

Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.

You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken. 56.There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.

Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.

One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.

The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.

You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.

You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.

You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.

You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.

You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.

Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.

Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.

You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.

You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.

You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.

The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.

Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.

You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.

You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.

When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".

You own more than two clappers.

You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.

You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.

Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade.

You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.

You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.

You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.

Your pickup truck no longer has a back.

The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.

The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."

Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair.

Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.

Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.

Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.

City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.

You think Tang is in the fruit group.

You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.
The ultimate reason is "because."
An old man was running a fairground tent, which proclaimed: 'For fifty dollars I'll teach you to be a mind reader.'

Intrigued by the offer, a teenager entered the tent to try his luck.

'Okay,' said the old guy, handing him a garden hose, 'I want you to hold this hose and look in the end.'

'What for?' asked the teenager.

'It's all part of teaching you to become a mind reader.'

So the teenager, somewhat reluctantly, looked in the end of the hose and saw nothing - just darkness. Then suddenly the old man turned on the tap and water came gushing out all over the young man's face.

'I knew you were going to do something like that!' yelled the drenched teenager.

The old man said: 'Then that'll be fifty dollars.'

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The First Time

The first time we made love
   I remember thinking, "Wow!"
And you didn't even know me
   As well as you do now.
Tourist: "Shame on you! A big man like you catching poor little helpless fish!"
Fisherman : "Well, if this fish had kept his mouth shut, he wouldn't be on the end of this hook."
Tourist: "Shame on you! A big man like you catching poor little helpless fish!"
Fisherman : "Well, if this fish had kept his mouth shut, he wouldn't be on the end of this hook."
He was so thin he had to wear skis in the bathtub to keep from going down the drain.
Teacher: Where's the English Channel?

Johnny: I don't know. My television doesn't pick it up!
Q: What did the Teabagger do when he went to a film that had an NC17 (no under 17's) rating?
A: Went home and got 16 friends.
A very rich man, was shaken by the doctor's diagnosis. The physician said that unless Victor had a heart transplant, he had only weeks, perhaps days, to live. Fortunately, advised the doctor, there were several hearts available, although each was quite expensive.

"How much?" Victor asked.

"Well, I've got one heart of an individual who was thirty-five years old," said the surgeon. "He exercised moderately and never ate fatty foods. It's in pretty good shape and goes for only one hundred thousand dollars."

"What else do you have?" Victor asked, "Anything better?"

"There is the heart of a twenty-year-old Olympic decathlon winner. He never smoked or drank. He was in perfect physical condition. That one will cost $250,000."

"Look Doc, this is my life," said the patient. "What's the best you got?"

"Well there is one heart, very rare but the very best. It belonged to a sixty-five-year-old man. He drank and smoked to excess, he was thirty pounds overweight and he never exercised. His cholesterol count was over three hundred. This heart goes for one million dollars."

"Why is it so expensive?" asked the patient.

"It's the heart of an Republican," explained the surgeon. "It's never been used."

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Teacher: Does anyone know which month has twenty-eight days?
Johnny: All of them.
A story is told about an engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian who were hunting in the wilds of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped, and a snow storm descended, lashing them with its fury. As they trudged on, they came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. Because friendly hospitality is a virtue practiced by those who live in the wilderness, the hunters knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but, discovering the cabin was unlocked, they entered. It was a simple place—two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was surprising about the cabin except the stove. Not the stove itself—it was large, potbellied, and made of cast iron. What was unusual was its location: it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist, stroking his beard. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated his stove so he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer as he scratched some calculations in the dust on the cabin floor. "The man is familiar with the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, folding his hands in a gesture of piety, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire 'lifted up' has been a religious symbol for centuries."
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.

When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove by wires from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct: "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe!"
She is so thin it takes two of her to make a shadow.
She is so thin it takes two of her to make a shadow.
Q: What does a blond Owl say?
A: What, what?
Did you hear about the man who went behind the barn the night before Christmas, fired a shot, and then told his two children Santa Claus had committed suicide?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Americans are our own worst enemy: every time we achieve prosperity we elect a Republican and have to start all over again.
Republicans
Explaining away failure
Yet more lies

Republican Obstructionism

In exchange for a check,
Or other corporate bone,
They joined Glenn Beck
In becoming a millstone
Around America's neck.
A child was watching his mother sift through and delete a long list of junk e-mail on the computer screen.
'This reminds me of the Lord's Prayer,' said the child.
'What do you mean?' asked the mother.
'You know. That part about "deliver us from e-mail.'"
My grandsons were thinking of going to the movies to see a cowboy picture, but one objected to it because he'd heard it had too many kissing scenes. His younger brother said, "That's okay. When the kissing starts, we can close our eyes and pretend he's choking her."
Conservatives approach the Constitution the same way they approach the Bible - like lawyers looking for loopholes.
She's so skinny that she recently swallowed an olive and was rushed to a maternity hospital.
Why is tennis such a noisy game?
Because each player raises a racket.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

A man walked into a hotel. "I'd like a room for tonight," he told the clerk.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we have no vacant rooms," the clerk answered.
"Not even one room?" the man asked.
"No, sir, we're full tonight," said the clerk.
The man thought for a moment. "Please tell me, if the President of the United States came in and asked for a room, would you give him one?"
"If the President of the United States asked for a room, I would find one for him!" the clerk replied.
"Well, the President is not coming here tonight. So give me the room you'd give him!"
A woman began a job as a junior school counselor and was eager to help with the children's welfare. One day she noticed a small boy standing by himself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the children were at the other end enjoying a game of soccer.

So she decided to approach him and ask him if he was all right. He said that he was, but ten minutes later she saw that he was still in the same spot and still by himself.

'Would you like me to be your friend?' she asked gently.

'If you want,' said the boy.

'So, tell me, why are you all on your own? Why don't you join in with the others?'

'Because,' he sighed, 'I'm the goalie!'
My uncle is a cannibal. He's been living on us for twenty years!
He's so thin his muscles look like flea bites on a piece of spaghetti.
Teacher: Who invented fractions?
Johnny: Henry the Eighth.

Is Obama a Muslim? Examine the Evidence!

Not that it would matter if he was - we aren't supposed to have a religious test for public office (remember that pesky Constitution Republican love to talk about and then ignore):

The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the Members of the several State Legislatures, and all executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States. - Article VI, section 3.





Saturday, August 21, 2010

You Might Be a Teabagger if....

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.

You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection

Your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

On stag night, you take a real deer.
The 1st step to recovery is admitting you are a Republican, that you are powerless over your ignorance, & need help.
Another name for the GOP's political philosophy is Fiscal Darwinism (survival of the richest).

Friday, August 20, 2010

A traveler's eye was caught by the sign in front of a small diner: "We have everything. Just ask." He entered and took a seat at the counter. When the owner appeared, the cynical traveler asked if it was true that they had everything. 'Just ask," replied the owner.

"What if you don't have what I want?" the traveler persisted.

"Then I'll give you my new pickup truck," said the owner.

"OK," said the traveler, "I'll have buffalo head stuffed with pheasant eggs served in octopus gravy."

The owner turned around and shouted to the cook, "One number seventeen!"
If you listen to a audio book of the Constitution played backwards, you get Republican talking points.
To a Republican, an "intellectual elitist" is someone who can read.
Anything you can put in a nutshell probably belongs there.
When people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Buzzing Bees

Bees buzzing over my flowers
As a butterfly waits patiently
For what must seem like hours
To music played discordantly.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with the warning: "Don't try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked a member of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for twenty-two years," he explained. "She made up to ten trips between the fridge, the stove, the toaster and the table, almost always carrying just a single item at a time. One day I told her: 'You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"'

"And did it save time?" asked the man in the audience,

"Yes it did," replied the expert. "It used to take her twenty minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
Doctor: "What do you dream about at night?"
Dopey: "Baseball."
Doctor: "Don't you dream about anything else?"
Dopey : "No, just about baseball, night after night."
Doctor (puzzled): "Don't you ever dream about food?"
Dopey: "What? And miss my turn at bat?"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:

•     you take real interest in hospital admissions listed in the paper, to keep track of your friends.
•     you go to visit a friend in the hospital, and the emergency room staff comes toward you with a wheelchair.
•     while trying to figure out your last hospital bill, you have to take additional medication for your blood pressure.
•     that last visit to the specialist cost you more than you earned in the first four years at work.
•     you receive six pieces of mail in the same day, and five of them are from retirement villages, asking you to come and visit them.
•     taking out a three-year subscription to a magazine is an act of positive thinking and real optimism.
•     you decide to put off one more day what you had decided to put off one more day yesterday.
•     you get excited simply watching the Weather Channel on television.
•     you go to the mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination.
•     you look forward to the next sale on support hose.
•     licking stamps for your letters is a hard day's work.
•     the doctor tells you that you are as sound as a dollar, and you get very upset.
•     your idea of a wild drinking party is a king-size Coca Cola.
•     you notice that your high school classmate looks older than sin.
•     you can remember when going to a movie didn't cost you as much as the initial down-payment on a refrigerator.
•     you can recall when service stations actually were.
•     you call the ambulance dispatcher and he tells you your address.
•     you begin to lose hope of ever finishing your Green Stamp book.
•     you can remember when it wasn't necessary to call the bank before the plumber.
•     you don't think "getting older" jokes are funny.
A golf fanatic met the Pope on a trip to Rome. 'Your Holiness,' he said, 'I'm crazy about golf. I play every day of the year. But tell me, is there a golf course in heaven?'

'I'm not sure,' said the Pope. 'I'll have to ask God.'

A few days later, the man bumped into the Pope again and asked:

'Any news from God about the golf course in heaven?'

'Yes,' replied the Pope. 'Apparently there is a beautiful course in heaven with velvet-smooth greens and lush fairways. The bad news is, you have a tee time for tomorrow morning.'
First Cannibal: "We've just captured a movie star."
Second Cannibal: "Great! I was hoping for a good ham sandwich."

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Seasons of Discontent

In summer, I love winter.
In winter, I love summer.
I guess you could infer -
Weather's a major bummer.
Every time a Republican opens his mouth, a Constitutional Amendment runs for cover.
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $50.00."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them that the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200.00."
Teacher: Give me a sentence using the word "fascinate."
Sandy: I have nine buttons but I can only fasten eight.
The parson of a tiny congregation in Arkansas disappeared one night with the entire church treasury, and the local constable set out to capture him. This he did, dragging the culprit back by the collar a week later. "Here's the varmint, folks," announced the constable grimly. "I'm sorry to say he's already squandered our money, but I drug him back so we can make him preach it out."
A man was driving down the road when his car broke down near a monastery. He went to the monastery, knocked on the door and said: 'My car has broken down. Could I possibly stay the night?'

The monks graciously accepted him, fed him dinner, and even fixed his car. But as the man was drifting off to sleep, he heard a strange sound. The next morning he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said: 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk.'

The man was mystified but thanked them anyway and went on his way.

Some years later the same man broke down again in front of the same monastery. Once more, the monks fed him, fixed his car and allowed him to stay the night. Just as he was falling asleep, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning he asked what it was, but the monks replied: 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk.'

The man was so frustrated that he said: 'Look, I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that noise was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?'

The monks said: 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.'

The man set about this daunting task. For the next fifty years he traveled the length and breadth of the globe, counting blades of grass and grains of sand until his work was finally complete. Armed with this information, he returned to the monastery and announced: 'I have traveled the earth and have found what you asked for. There are 347,498,675,212,031 blades of grass and 664,981,732,434,109,597,436,501 grains of sand on this earth.'

The monks replied: 'Congratulations. You are a monk. We will now show you the way to the sound.'

The monks led him to a large wooden door and told him: "The sound is right behind that door.'

They gave him the key to the door and he opened it. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The monks gave him the key and he opened it, only to find another door made of silver. He demanded the key to that door from the monks and was given it. As he opened the door, it revealed yet another door, this time made of copper. He asked for the key to the copper door, certain that this would reveal the answer to the secret that had troubled him for over half a century, but behind it he merely found another door, this time made of iron. On and on he went - through doors made of emerald, ruby and gold - until finally the monks said: 'This is the key to the last door.'

The man was hugely relieved. He unlocked the door, turned the knob, and behind that door he was amazed to discover the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.
Summertime is when parents pack off their troubles to an old Indian Camp and smile, smile, smile!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Glenn Beck 'Should Move' Rally From Martin Luther King Spot?

Article

Freedom ain't pretty, sometimes it's pretty ugly but Glenn Beck has the right to hold his White Power rally for the same reason Muslims have the right to build their Community Center - The first Amendment, it either applies to everyone one or eventually it'll apply to no one.''

Don't Be a Sucker - 1947

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

An American Patriot is one who is willing to defend and possibly die for the rights of those he most disagrees with.
A prostitute told me she'd do anything for $50. I've got her painting my house at the moment.
I'm for a new Amendment that mandates a separation of jerks and state.

Friday, August 13, 2010

A lawyer, an accountant, and an architect were on a cruise when the boat capsized. they rode a timber to a small desolate island.

"Somebody needs to swim ashore to get help," the accountant said.

"I'll do it," the lawyer said, and swam off into the shark infested waters. The sharks all parted ways, and one of them gave the lawyer a ride to shore.

"How's he doing that," the architect muttered. "

Professional courtesy," the accountant replies.
One day at the circus, the strong man came on stage with a bunch of lemons, squeezed the hell out of  them, and said: "If there's someone in the audience who can squeeze another drop outa this lemon, I'll give you a hundred dollars.

So this rail thin fellow comes up, squeezes, and whadaya know, there's another drop.

"well I'll be damned,"  the strong man says. "want to try again?" so the little guy squeezes more, and you guessed it, another drop comes out.

"How the hell are you doing that?" the strong man asks.

"I'm an IRS agent," the little guy says.

Thoughts While Mulling Over Proposition 8

It's doubtful that I'm alone
But of gays I have no fear.
Republicans chill me to the bone
Because they seem so queer.

Contentment

Content, I am with precious little.
No need for me to live like a king.
Maybe some food, clothes, and a couch -
For when the wife and I are fighting.

Walk a Mile

If you'd spent
Time in my shoes
Or paid what
I've paid in dues,

You would offer
A comforting hug
Instead of acting
Like such a thug.

What I'd See

I wonder what I'd see
If I looked inside of me.
What would be reflected there,
If my heart were laid bare?

If my life were put to a test,
I hope that I'd resemble best
The image of my Lord
And not the worldly horde.
There was an earthquake recently which frightened inhabitants of a certain town. One couple sent their little boy to stay with an uncle in another district, explaining the reason for the nephew's sudden visit. A day later the parents received this telegram, "Am returning your boy. Send the earthquake."
The pastor finished a powerful sermon on the Ten Commandments. One congregant was momentarily depressed but soon perked up. "Anyway," he told himself, "I've never made a graven image."
A teacher asked for sentences using the word "beans."

One pupil wrote: My father grows beans.  My mother cooks beans.  We are all human beans.
Two lawyers were bosom friends. Much to the amazement of one, the other became a Sunday school teacher. "I bet you don't even know the Lord's Prayer," he fumed.

"Everybody knows that," the other replied. "It's, 'Now I lay me down to sleep ...'"

"You win," said the other admiringly. "I didn't know you knew so much about the Bible."
Teacher: Johnny, I told you to write this poem out ten times to improve your handwriting, but you've only done it seven times.

Johnny: Looks like my counting isn't too good either!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

When the fire brigade, sirens wailing, arrived on the spot, the minister recognized one of the men. "Hello there, Jim. I haven't seen you in church for a long time," he chided.

"Well," answered the sweating man struggling with the hose, "it's been a long time since there's been any kind of fire in this church."
Teacher: What is a mountain pass?

Pupil: A mountain pass is a pass given by railroads to their workers so that they can spend their vacations in the mountains.
Teacher: An abstract noun is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can anyone give me an example?

Johnny: Sure. My dad's new car.
You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Bikers back down from your momma.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a Teabagger too!)

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You clean your nails with a stick.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.

People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever bought a used cap.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You mow your lawn and find a car.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You can spit without opening your mouth.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've never paid for a haircut.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever made change in the offering plate.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your screen door has no screen.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your wife was your favorite babysitter.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You can't buy beer until your wife's child support check comes.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your wife collects child support from more than three men.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You bring your dog to work with you.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your masseuse uses lard.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... On stag night, you take a real deer.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your back porch is bigger than your house.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think cur is a breed of dog.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... People hear your car long before they see it.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever hitchhiked naked.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You list your parole officer as a reference.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You don't think Teabagger jokes are funny.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have barnyard animals living in your house.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have ever shot a possum on your porch.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You're your own grandpa.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors' dogs when they get into it.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... you think the dump is where you swap old furniture for new.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have guns in your house that you cannot find.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think Wal-Mart is expensive.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've got more guns "On Display" than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your horse wears shoes, but you don't.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your dog is your alarm clock.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever shoplifted Spam.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... None of your zippers have all their teeth either.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You are driving the car you were conceived in.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever used scissors on food.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever re-used a paper plate.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You use a pig for a garbage disposal.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You call the junk yard a "Free Market"

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... In the delivery room, your husband says,"That's worse than skinning a deer!"

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... One of your kids was born on a pool table.


You're might be a Teabagger If ... You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your screen door has no screen.

You're might be a Teabagger If ... Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon.
First Pastor: "I hear you had a revival."
Second Pastor: "Yes, we did."
First Pastor: "How many additions did you have?"
Second Pastor: "We didn't have any additions but we had some blessed subtractions."
waking early need
drops of sweet oil in the ear
Mozart can't get in
how delightful
as wet with desire
you open to me

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I could tell
The way you didn't want
To be smothered
Being with me was only
Until someone better
she loves me
she loves me not
lord help me
find a flower
with the answer i want
naked she
offers herself to me
and again
exhausted from the day
I fall asleep
summer cold
crawling from bed
making tea


in summer
thinking of winter
in winter
thinking of summer
content in spring and fall
Christian Zen
with each breath
counting God
Wanting rainbows
           Settling for
           Skittles ®
children grown
busy building lives
I'm happy
watching the wind
scatter Autumn's leaves
jobless
in this economy
after awhile
falling asleep
listening to mosquitos
a rabbit
caught eating
squirrel's corn
Escaping
Summer's heat
Watching TV

Friday, August 6, 2010

A Republican without a brain
Is as common as grass on the plain

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Monday, August 2, 2010

sparrows in a line
along the edge of the roof
Blackbird on the feeder